


TONIGHT WE'RE GOLD

by achemicalmess



Category: Frank Iero and the Future Violents (Band), Frank Iero and the Patience, Gerard Way and the Hormones, LeATHERMØUTH, MCR - Fandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Current Frank Iero, Domestic, Fluff, Frerard, Happy Ending, M/M, Middle Aged Men In Love, adiction, current frerard, current gerard way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 55,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23793307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achemicalmess/pseuds/achemicalmess
Summary: Frerard AU - CURRENT FRANK AND GEEFrank is in his late 30s, sober, and getting his shit together. Then, one day on his morning walk with Lois, he runs into a stranger that might need some help. And maybe a friend
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 320
Kudos: 187





	1. ONE

His alarm goes off at 6:30 am.

As Frank walks to the bathroom, he hears the coffee brewing already. Thank God or whatever for automatic drip coffee makers. Lois is waiting for him by the back door as he puts on a jacket, ready for her morning walk. 'Good girl,' he says to her. 'Let's go.'

He's been sober for three years, and his sponsor told him that following a routine would help him to stay away from alcohol and drugs. He already gave up his music career, and started a more normal life. Which took a lot of time, and patience he doesn't have. He got a normal job, and got his own place. He's tried dating again, but it's harder for bi men in their late thirties when they can't go around bars or places where alcohol is sold. He's tried dating apps, but other than staying up late talking to random strangers or a couple one night-stands, it didn't work for him. There was Holly. She was a nurse, he thought. They went out a couple times, and then she ghosted him. There was Matt, but he was too young. And Julian, and Kyle. All in their twenties. All of them hot. And they were good in bed. But they were just fuck buddies, not ready for a relationship. So he decided to stay single. 

Then, he adopted Lois, and his life changed.

He doesn't need anyone else. Just him and his girl.

He has a purpose now. 

Waking up every morning and filling her food bowl and taking her for a walk is all that matters. And it keeps him going. 

Every morning, they head out of his tiny apartment, walk down the street, a couple blocks until they reach the strip mall on Main Street, and then right back. On weekends, or his days off, he takes her to the park. 

He has a job as server in an Italian restaurant. It doesn't pay a lot, but it's something. He also gives music lessons twice a week. And every other Friday, he goes to his AA meeting. 

It keeps him sober, and it keeps him alive, so there he is. 

On his morning walk with Lois, sipping coffee from his to-go cup, and even smiling. He never thought he'd be happy with his life, ever. Especially not with a life so simple. But he is, he can't deny it. This is one of his favorite parts of the day. 

'Hey!' he hears someone yelling in an angry voice, taking him out of his trance, and a second later, Lois is in attack mode too. First thing he sees is a couple kids running away, and trash all over the lawn of this fancy house, Lois barking at the kids, and a long-haired man – the owner of the house, he guesses – standing just outside the door. 'Get the fuck out of here!' Frank yells at the kids. He knows he shouldn't, he's a grown man. But they shouldn't be assholes throwing trash in people's properties. 'Lois, get them!' She's still on a leash, so she can't even go after them, but she still barks. 

The house owner just looks from his porch, not doing or saying anything, confused as to why this man is helping. 

'Stop littering, or I'll tell your mom!' Frank continues. 

Then one of the kids turns around and says to Frank, 'Why? Are you his boyfriend?' 

'Yeah, why? You have a problem?' he replies, blowing kisses to the kid. When they're finally gone, he starts picking up the trash.

'You don't have to do this,' the man says, also picking up trash. Frank finally looks up from where he is and sees him. He looks around his age, with hair to his shoulders, and a beard. He looks so pale, like he hasn't been outside in ages, and he's sure he's never seen him around, but again, Frank doesn't know any of his neighbors. 'Any of this.'

'What are you talking about? They're the ones who shouldn't be fucking throwing trash in people's lawns!' He puts all the trash inside the plastic back the stranger is holding. 'I'm Frank, by the way. I'd shake your hand, but that wouldn't be sanitary after –'

'I'm Gerard,' the man mumbles. 

Frank notices him now that they're closer, and there's something mysterious about him. He looks sort of a wizard who somehow got trapped in the real world, and he wants to know more about him. 'Anyway, I was just walking my dog, and couldn't let that happen. It's no big deal.' 

'Thanks, anyway.' Gerard gives him a tiny shy smile, which makes Frank's day. He likes helping people.

'No problem. I guess I'll you around.' Then he keeps walking back home.


	2. TWO

The alarm goes off again.

Here I go again, Frank thinks, getting ready, serving his coffee, and walking out with Lois. He's too tired from work, and is thinking about how good it'd feel to have a drink, but immediately shakes that thought off. He waves at Gerard when he walks by his house, and Gerard waves back.

Back at home, he takes a shower and makes himself breakfast.

He watches a movie, and gets ready for work.

The restaurant is packed when he gets there. Lunch rush, he remembers. A customer spills beer on his pants, and another calls him an idiot for bringing her the dish she asked for, and not whatever she thought she was asking for, so Frank has to bring her the right one. And yet, he barely makes any tips.

He goes home, still wishing he could have a drink, but lying on the couch instead, watching Netflix, Lois taking a nap next to him. He opens his dating app, and only swipes right a couple times, not really in the mood. He's mostly bored. He gets a notification from this Bruce guy. They start talking about Stephen King books and Italian food, before Frank falls asleep.

Wakes up.

Repeats.

A week or so after, he runs into Gerard by his mailbox, so he stops to say hi, and Lois begs for attention too. 'She likes you!' Frank says noticing. Gerard isn't so sure, but he scratches her head nonetheless.

'I'm more of a cat person,' he says.

'What? We can't be friends then.' Is he trying to make a joke? Why? 'Just kidding, she still likes you for some reason.' Maybe he's actually a wizard, putting a spell on both Lois and Frank, and that's why he's trying to be his friend. Frank doesn't have friends, all of them were addicts, so he had to put some distance between them, and hasn't made new ones in a while. How do you make friends in your thirties?

'Well, she's nice.' Gerard lets her lick his face. 'I like her.'

'She's the best.' Frank just stands there, not sure what to say. That's why you don't have friends, he says to himself. He can't just walk back home, but what now? 'She likes you, too, I think. She thinks you're a wizard.' Fuck, no! Why did he say that?

Gerard just laughs, and looks up at Frank. 'What?'

'It wasn't me. That's what she said. Maybe it's the hair.' He's afraid of opening his mouth again, because he knows something stupid will come out.

'That's nice of her, but I'm just a normal guy.'

'What? I thought you were a wizard, too, to be honest.' They both laugh a little, and when Gerard gets back on his feet, standing right in front of Frank, it gets a little awkward. 'Well, it was nice talking,' he says, not sure why he's so nervous. 'I gotta get back and get ready for work.'

'Thanks for letting me play with your dog,' Gerard replies. 'What's her name again?'

'Lois.' Frank loves when people enjoy having Lois around, so he thinks Gerard is cool. 'And anytime. It's just me and her, and she likes you, so – I'm sure she'd appreciate a new friend.'

'Me too,' Gerard says, and Frank can swear he's not looking at Lois, but at him. 'Thank you again.'

'Not a problem. See you.' He heads home as fast as possible, wanting to hide after that embarrassing moment. Why is he trying to be friends with him so bad? Why is Gerard kinda interested in being friends too? Why isn't that easy to make friends any more? Wait – does he just want to be his friend, or –

He stops himself before getting any further with his thoughts. He's probably married and with kids. Stop it, Frank, don't get too excited!

And yet, a couple days later, he still stops to talk to him, and lets him play with Lois. They seem to like each other. And Frank is thankful for that, that even though Gerard is a cat person, he plays with his Lois. Every morning, he waits for her by the porch steps, and Lois runs to him to greet him by licking his face. So, when he stops by the coffee shop – he treats himself to one of those expensive lattes once a week –, he buys another one for Gerard, as a way to say thank you.

When they cross the street to Gerard's house, and Lois runs to him, Frank notices a weird sensation in his stomach that he hasn't felt in ages, but decides to ignore it because he's too old for that, and it's stupid. But he's still nervous.

'Hey there!' he says, as casual as possible, walking behind Lois. Gerard looks up, and just waves. Frank hands him the paper cup, hoping he doesn't see his hand is shaking. 'Here. I didn't know if you like vanilla lattes, but – almost everyone likes vanilla lattes.'

'Oh, is this for me?' Gerard replies, a little excited.

'Yes. As a way to thank you for – playing with Lois.' He was stuttering! What the fuck? 'I didn't want it to be weird saying thank you for being nice, but I guess I already made it weird.'

'Not at all. And thanks for the coffee. I love coffee, no matter how it's served.'

Don't blush, don't blush, don't blush, Frank is thinking.

'You wanna sit? I don't bite,' Gerard asks, interrupting his thoughts, and offering the space next to him on the steps. Franks hesitates a little, but sits next to him. 'So – Frank, right?'

He nods.

They're both quiet for a while, not sure how to start a conversation, and Frank is already regretting having bought him coffee cause now they have to talk. 'So –,' Frank says, trying to come up with something. 'What is your favorite order of coffee?' What a dumb question.

'What for? I told you – I like all forms of coffee, this is good.'

'But next time maybe I can get you the right one.'

'You're bringing me coffee again?'

'That depends.'

'Depends on what?'

'How you answer this question.' Gerard listens attentively, facing him. 'Beatles or Rolling Stones?'

'I'm more of a Bowie person.'

'I can deal with that.'

They toast with their coffee cups, and keep drinking, asking each other random questions, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. 'Dragons or trolls?' Gerard asks, showing his nerdy side.

'Are you fucking kidding me? Dragons!' Frank replies. 'Okay, are you married?' He's not sure why he asked that, he's just curious. He hasn't seen anyone in the house or coming or going in the past couple weeks since they met.

'Nope,' Gerard says with a shy smile. 'I've never been very social so it's hard to – you know –'

'You seem pretty social to me.'

'Are you – married?'

Hmm. Frank is still uncomfortable around that topic. 'I used to. I was one of those kids who got married too young and then things got wrong, and –'

'I'm sorry.' Gerard seems genuinely sorry and Frank wonders why.

'It's okay. It's been a while.' Fortunately for him, when he checks his watch, he realizes he's gotta go, because this can either get too sad or too embarrassing. 'I'm sorry,' he says. 'I'm running late for my meeting.' He gets up, wipes his jeans off, and turns to Gerard. 'It was really nice.'

'It was.' He smiles at Frank, and offers his hand to shake, but Frank gives him a hug. He's just like that and hopes Gerard doesn't mind. 'See you tomorrow?'

'See you tomorrow,' Frank says smiling. Is that a... date?


	3. THREE

As promised – or maybe out of habit – Frank makes it to Gerard's porch the following day just past seven in the morning. He couldn't even sleep thinking whether or not it was a date. No, it's not. It's just 2 grown up men sitting, having coffee together. Wait – isn't that kinda –? No.

So he needs the extra espresso.

He gets him a Venti Vanilla Latte again, since he was okay with it. And to his surprise, Gerard is waiting for him with a box of donuts. 'Are you for real?' Frank says, trying not so show he's blushing. 'You're going to make me lose my figure?'

'Oh, you look fine,' Gerard says casually, obviously regretting a second later.

Did – did he just say he looks fine? Frank thinks, and now it's impossible to shake off the thought as much as he wants to. 'Okay, I'll take one.' He sits next to him, and eats in silence. He was going to eat one regardless, but now his mind can't stop.

Fortunately Gerard starts a conversation immediately, even though he said he wasn't a social person. 'So did your meeting go well?' he asks. Frank is confused for a second, so Gerard continues. 'You said you had a meeting yesterday, and you were late.'

'Oh yeah. It's an AA meeting.'

'AA, as in Alcoholics Anonymous?' Frank nods. 'Huh.'

'Is that – okay?' Frank didn't know why he was being so honest with him.

'Yeah, why wouldn't it be? I like that.' Gerard smiles, and Frank can swear the world stops. He takes a sip of coffee to hide his big grin before it gives him away. 'So, what do you do for a living, then?'

'I work at Olive Garden as a server.'

'Nice. You get free breadsticks?'

'Sometimes, if there's any at the end of the day.' He likes Gerard's excitement because of fucking breadsticks. 'And you?'

'Oh I'm a writer.'

'Thanks for making me feel shitty.'

'What? Why?' Gerard asks laughing. 'Your job is just as valid. Even more. You're providing food to people's tables? You're a functioning member of society. I'm just a weirdo who lives by himself and never goes out.'

'It was cooler when I thought you were a wizard.' They laugh, looking at each other, and Frank can't help wondering if he feels the same way. But whatever this is, he's glad to have someone to talk to.

The next morning, they do the same thing, and the following. Then, on his day off, Lois wakes him up excited, as if she knew they're going to the park. 'C'mon, girl!,' he says, opening the back door.

It's a nice day today. It's not cold, so he doesn't have to wear a hoodie anymore. And as he expected, when he walked to Gerard's house, he's already waiting for him. 'Hey, man,' he says, still by the sidewalk. He's nervous as fuck, so he hopes Gerard can't see it from there. He knows the question he's about to ask isn't a big deal. It's stupid he's even nervous. But still. He takes a deep breath, and just says it. 'We're going to the park. You wanna come?'

Silence.

More silence.

He sees how Gerard's expression changes from a smile to a frown, and he hates himself for causing it. He knows Gerard is more introverted, and being a writer, he probably hates people or being around others. He doesn't know. But he might have just ruined the one good thing he had. And then, he looks up from Lois, and is surprised when Gerard in fact gets up and starts approaching, even though he still looks a little nervous about leaving his house. 'Sure.'

A big smile forms in Frank's face that it's impossible to hide. It's nothing out of the ordinary, just two dudes taking the dog to the park, Frank tells himself. If people want to think otherwise, let them. 'We can get coffees on our way there.'

Gerard gives him a shy smile when he's in front of him. 'I like the tattoos.'

'Thanks.' Frank lets him walk Lois, and he seems to enjoy it. They make it to the coffee shop, and order at the window. Frank tells him to order whatever he wants.

'I'd like a venti strawberries and creme frappuccino, double shot, please,' Gerard tells the girl behind the counter.

'Now I know what to order next time,' Frank mumbles to himself. 'Wait – you're an expert at this. I thought you didn't go out of your house.' He pays with his phone, and then they wait by the shade.

'I don't. Not a lot lately. But I used to come here more often to write. And once every couple months I go visit my brother and his family, so I'm forced to go whatever they wanna go.'

'Can I ask why –?'

'You already did,' Gerard answers. 'But it's cool. It's just my anxiety got pretty bad, and thanks to my job, I don't really have a need to go outside, so I just don't. My brother sometimes helps me with groceries, or my friend.'

Frank can't help getting a little jealous when he mentions a friend, even though they're just that, friends. The girl calls their names, interrupting the conversation, and Frank runs to get their order. 'Good luck with your date,' Emily, the barista, whispers when she hands him the drinks. He's a regular, so she was surprised to see him walk in with someone else.

'It's not a date,' he whispers back.

'Well, tell him that.'

Blood leaves Frank's face, going completely pale as he walks back to the table. What did she mean? 'Shall we?'

They cross the street to the local park, and find a bench right under a big oak tree, providing some shade. Frank asks him about what kind of books does he write – comic books, and some horror –, whether he has cats – yes, two. Lotion and Susan –, and whether he prefers vampires or zombies – vampires.

There's a long silence, when they don't talk. Frank knows this looks exactly like a date, but he doesn't want to make any assumptions. He doesn't even know if Gerard likes men or what, let alone if he likes him. And he still feels kinda ridiculous being thirty-eight and acting like he's thirteen. But their hands are almost touching while resting on the bench, and he can't stop looking at them, almost giggling. And he knows Gerard hasn't moved his for the same reason. He sees him smiling too, and it's driving him wild.

And just then, Gerard's pinky reaches for Frank's. Their pinkies are interlaced! Frank wants to scream, but holds it in. Yet, he can't hide the smile. But he understands.

It reminds him of his first boyfriend back in high school, and not ready to be out, so they had to do shit like this. And he feels just the same.

He turns to him and they're both smiling at each other, blushing, just like teenagers.

Frank hasn't been this happier in a while. And he wishes he could kiss him, right there, in front of everyone. He wishes he could hold his hand on their way back. But he respects Gerard, and if he wants to go slow, they'll go slow.

They don't say a single word on their way back to Gerard's house, just smile at each other. The butterflies in Frank's stomach won't shut up though.

They stop when they read Gerard's porch, and Frank wants to kiss him goodbye, and it's so hard to resist the urge. But he also wants it to be special. But they don't know how to say goodbye now. 'So –,' they say in unison, and laughing nervously after.

'You wanna come over later?' Gerard asks, just like that, looking straight at Frank.

Yes, I'd go anywhere with you, Frank thinks. He tries to speak up, but nothing comes out, so he just nods, biting his lip.

'Eight is okay?' Frank nods. 'I'll wait for you, then.' They wave each other goodbye, smiling like stupid, and Gerard walks back in. When Frank is far enough, he starts skipping home, screaming in celebration.


	4. FOUR

Frank stands in front of the mirror, trying a white shirt, but he’s still not sure. It’s the fifth shirt he’s tried, and he’s not convinced. He doesn’t have a lot of dress shirts, mainly his black ones for work, and obviously the last thing he wants is to look like an Olive Garden server for the date.  
Wait –  
Date?   
Fuck! nerves invade Frank again, feeling like he doesn’t look good enough, so he goes back in his closet, until he finds something nice. Gerard never mention if it was a fancy date or whatever, or just a casual dinner, or – he’s overthinking now. He hasn’t gone out on a date in a while, and it was usually with younger people, to a restaurant, so that made it easier. Now he’s going to the guy’s house, a guy who looks like a fucking wizard, and he’s afraid he’s gonna dress like a D&D character. In the back of his closet he finds a gray short-sleeve shirt, and tries it on. Meh.   
He runs his fingers through his hair, making it look a little messy. We’re going on a date, he says to his reflection, and can’t help smiling at the thought. He puts some cologne, and leaves a full bowl of water for Lois, and a couple treats. ‘I’ll be back okay,’ he says to her, his voice already shaking. He doesn’t think he’s gonna stay the night – wait, is he? No, this is different.   
Are they even –   
He’s thinking too far ahead. Gerard doesn’t look like that kind of guy. But he could be, who knows.  
Stop overthinking!  
He grabs his keys and phone, and heads out of the apartment. It’s ten minutes till eight, already dark outside, and a little chilly. The walk from his apartment complex to Gerard’s place isn’t even five minutes long, so he makes it too soon.   
He’s not ready.  
Once at the door, he takes a deep breath, exhales, and almost backs out. Don’t think of it as a date, he thinks. You’re just hanging out. Breathe in, breathe out.  
He finally knocks on the door, even though the anxiety is killing him from the inside out.   
Two minutes later – what the fuck is Gerard doing, he’s just making it worse! I’m just gonna go, Frank thinks – Gerard finally opens the door. And he’s –  
He’s wearing what looks like several layers of shirts, and a green jacket on top. He trimmed his beard a little, and – he looks so good Frank’s heart skips a beat.  
He can’t help smiling. They both are, for a minute or two. Just standing by the doorway, and looking at each other, how different – and good – they look than their morning outfits. They don’t say a word, not knowing if it’s real.   
‘Hey,’ Frank says, breaking the silence, smiling big.  
‘Hey!’ Gerard hasn’t let him in, so Frank doesn’t know what to do. ‘Oh, you brought wine!’  
‘It’s actually non-alcoholic, but –’  
‘Come on in –’   
About time, Frank thinks, following him inside, and closing the door behind him. Then, he looks around at the house. Nice! It’s big, and fancy, very white and bright. Frank doesn’t know much about styles, but it has a very modern design. Open plan, a living room that looks like nobody ever sits there, and a fancy kitchen. Stairs on both sides of the room, and a dining room facing some big ass windows. ‘You have a nice place,’ he tells Gerard, leaving the bottle of wine on the counter.   
‘Thanks – it’s mostly my friend Lynz’ work. She’s the one who knows about this stuff. I usually spend my entire day on bed or glued to my desk upstairs, so –’ Gerard replies with a shrug, placing two glasses on the counter and pouring wine on them.  
‘So that’s where the magic happens?’   
‘If by magic you mean where books get written, then yes – or at least, sometimes.’  
Frank wants to make a joke about him being a wizard and using his wand, but isn’t sure how soon it is for that, of if it’ll make him uncomfortable, so he bites his tongue.  
‘Shall we?’ Gerard says, offering a glass to Frank, and leading him to the dining room, where the table was set, all fancy and they could see the patio and the pool. ‘Take a seat, let me serve our plates.’ Frank does as he’s told, the grin never leaving his face. A minute later, Gerard comes back with two plates, and sets them, before sitting in front of Frank.   
Pasta with lemon sauce and some kind of butternut squash casserole. He must have remembered Frank mentioning he’s vegetarian. ‘You did all of this? For me?’ Frank asks, flattered.  
Gerard laughs, clearly nervous. ‘It’s the least I could do for all the coffee you’ve got me.’   
Oh, really? ‘So is this a –?’ Gerard just looks at him from across the table, blushing. His hand just rests there on the table, inches away. And Frank just needs to know, he needs an answer before he can go further. So he reaches for his hand, and takes it. Gerard doesn’t flinch or moves it away. It stays there, now with Frank’s hand on top, his tattooed thumb caressing him. They both stared at their hands, breathing heavily. Frank is so happy he’s almost giggling, and there are butterflies in his stomach. ‘Is this a date?’  
‘I think you could say that.’ Then, their fingers weave together so naturally, as if that’s how they should always be.   
‘I like that,’ Frank says, smiling like stupid, and his heart is beating like crazy.   
At some point, they start eating, before it gets cold, and talk more, getting to know each other better. Sharing stories from their childhood, bands they like – it turns out they like a lot of the same ones –, life. ‘So I thought you said you were a writer,’ Frank says, and Gerard nods. ‘This house seems too expensive.’  
‘Oh – I may or may not have sold one of my book series to a network for a TV show.’  
‘What? Really?’  
‘Yup.’ Then, somehow Frank casually lets out he used to be in this band and he knows a lot of the guys of this other band. ‘So you’re telling me on a date with a hot musician?’   
‘I don’t know about hot, but I haven’t really played music in a while, so –’  
‘Why?’  
‘Well – I was an alcoholic, and very toxic. In order for me to recover, I had to quit the band, get divorced and get my shit together. And being a musician usually means playing is trashy venues surrounded by alcohol and drugs, plus other stuff that doesn’t help.’  
‘But you seem to be doing better.’  
‘I am,’ Frank says smiling, and takes his hand again. ‘It took a while, but I can’t complain.’  
‘Are you happy?’  
‘I am now.’ He looks up at him, and they both smile at each other.  
Out of nowhere, Gerard gets up, and waves at Frank so he follows him outside. He has a terrace facing the pool, with a wooden swing chair, which is where they sit. A little too close now, holding their hands again. ‘I like to sit here sometimes and look at the stars,’ Gerard says, looking up at the sky. ‘I thought it’d be nice not to sit alone for once.’  
And as soon as he looks back at Frank, he’s already leaning close, and a second later, their lips are touching. What starts as a tender kiss, gets more and more passionate with every second. Frank’s other hand goes to Gerard’s face, behind his ear. ‘I’ve been wanting to do this for a while,’ he says, when he pulls away to take a breath. ‘And it’s even better than I thought.’ He kisses him again, this time pushing his tongue all the way in, tasting the dinner they just had in Gerard’s mouth, making it taste a thousand times better.   
They could go on forever, but have stop after a while, unable to form a word. Frank can’t stop laughing, adrenaline drunk, not sure how it all happened. It takes them a couple minutes to recover. ‘So – that was – something,’ Frank say.  
‘You tell me.’ There’s a moment of silence, while they look up at the stars, and Gerard pulls the lever of the chair, turning it into a swing bed, while Frank gives him a look. ‘Don’t get too excited. We’re just looking at the stars.’ And that’s what they do, holding their hands, talking.   
The topic of pot comes out for some reason, and Gerard looks surprised when Frank says he still smokes it. ‘Look – I’m more of an alcoholic than drug addict,’ Frank tells him. ‘And it’s pot.’  
‘Well, good, cause I have some good shit.’ He sits up, and gets a bag from his pocket, and rolls a joint while Frank looks.  
‘You were prepared, huh?’  
‘I always carry it.’ He lights it, and they share it, and with every drag, the conversation gets more random. If someone would have told Frank that he’d be smoking a blunt with one of his neighbors after making out, he would have never believed it. But he likes the feeling.  
‘You wanna know something?’ Gerard asks. ‘When I met you, besides the fact that you were very kind to help me, there was something intriguing, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. But I was sure you were straight. And also that I wouldn’t get a chance.’  
Frank laughs. ‘Do I look straight to you?’  
‘I don’t know! You look manly, and that’s kinda scary.’  
‘Well, I’m not. Besides why wouldn’t you have a chance, you look like a hot wizard.’  
‘Stop it with the wizard thing! And I don’t know – I’m in my forties already, I lost hope that I’d ever find love, and I look like a hobo, and I never go out.’  
‘Well, you did at the right time.’ Frank looks at him, dying to kiss him again. ‘Is it crazy if I say that I’ve never felt like this?’ Gerard shakes his head. ‘Because it’s true.’ He takes a second and then looks up, knowing that if he keeps looking at Gerard, he won’t be able to mutter a word. ‘I’m bi, by the way,’ he says. ‘Anyway – when I was 20, I got married to this girl I knew. I actually loved her, but being on the road, and starting to get a little more famous got to my head, and I didn’t want them to find out I also liked dudes. So that got me into drinking more, and you know heavy drugs, until I almost died.’  
‘I’m sorry.’  
‘Oh – it’s fine. Once I overdosed, I got divorced, and tried to get my shit together. But a big part of it was accepting that I – you know –.’ He turns to the side, and now they’re facing each other. ‘Where were you all my life?’ he asks him, holding his face.   
‘Here.’  
And then, they just laugh maniacally, most likely because they’re high as fuck, before pressing their mouths together again.   
They don’t make any plans, just lie there, looking up at the sky. Gerard doesn’t ask him to stay, though he most likely will. All it matters is tonight, that very moment. Them making up stories for each other, kissing in between, laughing like little kids.   
Frank looks down at their hands, intertwined, and smiles. Best night ever.


	5. FIVE

When Frank wakes up to the smell of coffee, he jumps off his bed – no, he’s not in his bed. He’s in someone’s couch, and where’s Lois?

He looks around, trying to take it in, still half asleep, and remembers.

Gerard.

He’s at Gerard’s place.

He looks up at his phone to check the time. 6:51 a.m.

It’s still too early, and his brain is trying to process everything, when Gerard is walking back from the kitchen. ‘Good morning, sleepy head,’ he says, handing him the biggest cup of coffee. ‘You set your alarm at seven to go feed Lois, so I thought why not get up earlier and have coffee ready?’

‘You really are the best, huh?’ He sets the mug on the table, and reaches his arms around Gerard pulling him closer. ‘How did I get so lucky?’

‘You bought me with coffee.’

‘Can I just ask one more question? Did we –?’

Gerard laughs. ‘You really don’t remember? How did you make it before getting sober?’

‘I think that’s what killed all of my braincells.’

‘Well, the answer is no. You insisted on watching the show based on my book series, but you were so stoned you wouldn’t stopped laughing at everything, before falling asleep.’

‘Oh.’ He hides his face in Gerard’s stomach. ‘I’m sure it’s a great show, and even better books. I was just tired, okay?’

‘I understand.’

‘Did I do any other embarrassing stuff?’ Gerard makes a thinking face, then shakes his head. ‘Well in my defense, your weed is really good.’

‘I know.’ They drink their coffee, and Frank can’t stop cuddling next to Gerard, and kissing him, wishing he could stay there all day. But he has a dog to feed. So he gets up, fixes his hair in the mirror, and starts to head out, before turning to Gerard. ‘You wanna come with me? I’m sure Lois will be happy to see you.’ Gerard smiles, as if he was waiting for him to say something, and follows him.

Once outside, Frank still doesn’t know if he’s okay with holding hands, so he does his best not to reach for it. Except is Gerard the one who reaches for Frank’s, and he can’t help smiling. ‘So – last night –’

‘Last night was – fucking amazing,’ Frank continues, with a grin. ‘The best, really.’

Soon enough, they make it to Frank’s apartment. He lives in the first floor, and they can hear Lois barking as soon as they enter the building. ‘She knows you’re here,’ Frank assures him. And just like he expected, when he opens the door, Lois runs to Gerard and greets him.

‘Aww she likes me better.’

‘I don’t blame her. I’d like you better, too.’ Frank refills her food and water bowls, while Gerard plays with her, and while she’s eating, Gerard looks around. There are a couple guitars hanging on the walls, and a couple more by the corner. Other than that, it looks pretty ordinary and basic. And clean, for a man who lives on his own. Is he one of those clean freaks? ‘Nice place,’ he says.

‘Thank you. I mean, I know you’re only saying it to be nice after I was just in your place, and other than those guitars, there’s nothing of value here, but I appreciate it.’

‘Well, I don’t agree with that in the least.’ And so, to prove his point, Gerard walks up to Frank, pressing him against the nearest wall, and pushes his mouth onto his. 'That dog over there is also very valuable.'

They both take Lois for a walk at the park, holding hands and laughing, not talking about anything in particular, just enjoying the morning bliss after the perfect date. ‘Are you even real?’ Frank asks, sitting next to him on a bench.

‘Don’t I seem real or what?’

‘Not really. You’re more like an angel. Turning my life around for the better.’

Gerard can’t help laughing at that. ‘Now I’m an angel?’

‘Yep.’

They head back, dropping off Gerard at his house. ‘I wish I could stay longer and that we could hang out all day, but I work today, and I gotta take a shower,’ Frank says, sounding more like a kid throwing a tantrum than a thirty-eight-year-old man.

Gerard leans in to kiss him, magically stopping his tantrum. ‘Tell you what. Leave Lois here before you go to work, and when you’re off, you come here and stay the night.’

‘I like how that sounds.’ He kisses him back. ‘But are you sure about Lois? I mean – leaving her here and all.’

‘We’re good friends now, and she doesn’t have to be all alone in your apartment. We can make each other company.’

‘And what about your cats?’

‘They’re the sweetest motherfuckers! They’ll get along!’

Frank is back at three thirty, bringing a bag of dry food, and another one of treats, plus her favorite toys. ‘Look at you! You look great in that uniform!’ Gerard says as he opens the door.

‘You don’t have to say that to sleep with me, you know?’

‘Oh, no? Then – what do I have to do?’

‘I – gotta go.’

But before, Gerard pulls him close for a kiss.

‘I like you, you know?’ Frank says. ‘It feels good to say it.’

‘Good, cause I like when you say it. I mean, I like you, too.’ They kiss one last time, and then Frank is off. ‘Have a good day!’

Seeing Gerard waving at him from the porch, wearing long sporty shorts and his hoodie with all the holes in it is the best view, and Frank can’t help imagining coming home to that every day.


	6. SIX

After a long weekend shift – the kind where the last customer walks in just one minute before closing and expects you to serve him, and takes their sweet time, and where they all come in groups and ask for separate checks –, Frank pulls in the driveway at eleven thirty-two. The only thing that kept him going was knowing he’d spend the night with Gerard.   
He grabs his backpack from the backseat – he brought an extra change of clothes, of course –, and walks to the door, almost skipping.   
‘Come in! It’s open!’ Gerard yells from inside, so that’s what he does. And before he even closes the door all the way, Gerard’s arms are already around his shoulders, and he’s kissing him. ‘You smell like breadsticks,’ he says as they part lips.   
‘No, I stink! But also, brought you something –’ And hands him a to-go paper bag full of breadsticks. ‘I told the cook to make an extra batch. It’s still warm, but you can heat it up if it’s not enough.’  
‘You know what? I think I might keep you.’ Frank mocks a celebratory dance, while Gerard walks to the kitchen to heat them up. ‘So how was work?’  
‘Awful.’ He looks exhausted, his eyes only half open, and he can barely move. ‘But I don’t wanna talk about it.’  
‘Then, let’s not talk about it.’ He puts his arms around Frank, hugging him really tight.  
‘I feel better now.’  
‘Oh, yeah? What about this?’ He presses him against the counter, arms on either side, and kisses him, tongue and everything. ‘I was thinking, we watch a movie, cuddle on the couch. What do you think?’  
‘Anything you want sound great, really.’ He kisses him again, and rests his head on his shoulder. ‘I missed you so much, and it’s only been twenty-four hours since we first kissed.’  
‘You’re counting?’  
‘Of course I am. And I would love nothing more than sit down with you and do nothing, but I stink, and I need a shower.’  
‘I don’t mind. You’ll taste like breadsticks.’  
‘First of all, I do mind. I smell more like grease than anything. Second of all, you have a problem, sir.’ He kisses Gerard’s neck, and then starts to walk away. ‘Where’s your bathroom?’ Gerard takes him upstairs to the bathroom in the hallway, and tells him where to get towels and whatever he needs. ‘Thanks. I’ll be quick, I promise.’  
He steps out of the shower ten minutes later, and puts on sweatpants and a white t-shirt. At home, he’d usually be in boxers all day, but he doesn’t want to seem too easy. Most likely nothing would happen, but just in case, he puts on some fancy lotion, and he’s ready.  
When he joins Gerard downstairs, he’s already done with his breadsticks, and re-watching The Office. ‘Damn, look at you!’ he yells. Frank does his best attempt not to blush but it’s impossible. He gets to the couch, and the minute he sits down, Gerard pulls him by the arm to kiss him. ‘Happy one day anniversary.’  
Frank laughs. ‘We’re really doing that?’  
‘We’re old. We can do whatever we want.’ Gerard turns on the DVD and put on The Lord of the Rings, while Frank celebrates. Since they’ve seen it already, they just talk, sharing popcorn, and stealing kisses from each other.   
‘So how did it go with Lois?’  
‘Great! She’s the best! She did miss you, though.’  
‘Aww poor baby!’ Soon, they start talking about other things. ‘So,’ Frank starts, not sure how to say it. ‘I know you mentioned you’ve never been married, and that you’re not that social. But you’ve been with someone, right?’ Gerard just nods, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. But he knows it’s something he has to talk about. ‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’   
‘Mainly girls, though. Though it was a while ago.’ Frank nods. ‘The first person I came out to besides my brother, was my friend Lynz. We were actually dating back then.’ He then turns to Frank. ‘I was thirty-three.’   
Frank reaches for his hand.  
‘And besides this one guy I met a few years ago at the bar, I haven’t been with anyone since.’  
‘That’s fine. You got me now. That’s the best prize.’  
‘It really is.’   
Frank smiles, and leans in to kiss him. But as soon he does, Gerard pulls him, almost like he’s craving it. His hands go under his shirt, while Frank sucks on his neck. He knows if he keeps going, he’ll want more, and it’s too soon to go any further. So he has to control himself, as hard as it is. As he pulls away, and runs his hands down Gerard’s face, smiling, and locks a strand of hair behind his ear, unable to handle how beautiful he is. He wants to take care of him, make sure he knows he knows the likes being with him just sitting together doing nothing, and not because he wants to have sex with him. He just hopes he’ll want to.   
And just then, Gerard catches him off guard, pushing him so he’s on his back, his mouth attacking his, his hands exploring his body. Frank tries to stop him to say something, to take it slow, but he tastes so good, and instead pulls him closer. Gerard helps him to take off his shirt, and his hands run through his chest, amazed at all the tattoos that adorn his body. ‘You’re so –,’ Gerard says between gasps. ‘So fucking beautiful.’   
Frank thinks twice about taking off Gerard’s clothes because he doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable. So he just lets him take control of the situation. Which he does. After taking off his hoodie himself, his mouth attaches to Frank’s again, as he starts dry-humping him, gasping in Frank’s mouth. ‘We can take it slow if you want,’ Frank manages to say. ‘I’ll be here. Whenever you want.’ He sees Gerard’s eyes soften as he says that. ‘I don’t want you to feel pressured. I’m with you because you’re literally the most interesting person I’ve ever met.’  
‘Am I?’   
Frank nods. Gerard kisses him again, as his hand travel all the way down to his underwear, and reaches for his dick. Fuck! is the only thing going through Frank’s mind the whole time. He doesn’t last long, though, and falls asleep soon after he comes, Gerard cuddling next to him, with his hand resting on Frank’s chest. If this is how the rest of their lives is going to be, he can’t wait. Frank falling asleep next to him, waking up and having coffee together, going to the park with Lois. Maybe he had to wait a long time to find someone like him, but it was totally worth it.


	7. SEVEN

It’s the fifth night in a row that Frank stays over at Gerard’s, and he’s starting to feel more and more at home. They have dinner together in their pajamas, and Frank watches a documentary about serial killers while Gerard sits next to him and writes.

‘What are you writing?’ Frank asks cuddling next to him.

‘It’s the third book in the series – these kids –’ Gerard tries to explain the plot before he gives up realizing it’s too complicated. ‘I don’t wanna force you to be into this just because we’re –’ When he realizes what he was about to say, he stops himself.

‘What are we?’ Frank can’t help being a pain in the ass, giving him _the look_. ‘Huh?’

‘I don’t know. What are we?’

Frank doesn’t answer, and just sits up to kiss him, his hand on Gerard’s stomach. ‘I don’t know. But I like it.’

‘Me too,’ Gerard says between kisses.

‘You wanna talk about it?’

‘I –’

‘It’s okay. We don’t have to put any labels if you don’t want to. I enjoy this regardless.’

‘Oh, really?’ Gerard puts his laptop away, and starts to take off his first layer of shirts, as he pushes Frank on his back. They’ve been doing a lot of that in the past couple days, making out and jerking each other off until Frank fell asleep. Then Gerard would just sit next to him and write, Frank’s breathing serving as a background noise.

But today was his day off, so he’s not tired in the least, so Gerard has an idea in the middle of sucking Frank’s neck, his hand still in his underwear. ‘You wanna go upstairs?’ he asks, gasping. ‘We can keep this going up there.’ Frank just nods, and follows him to his room.

They haven’t even made it to the door, and all of Frank’s clothes are gone, Gerard’s boxers still on. Frank loves how he seems more confident around him now. It took him a couple days, but now Gerard’s shirtless body is pressing against him. Frank doesn’t want to put any pressure, so he doesn’t say anything, his fingers slowly making their way to his ass, hoping Gerard gets the clue.

And he does.

He takes them off, as Frank pushes him to the bed, and starts licking his skin. Gerard lets him be in charge, mainly because he seems to know what he’s doing, and his tongue feels so good. He’s in so much pleasure by the time the first finger is inside him, it doesn’t even hurt. Frank wants to go gentle. He’s been wanting this for so long, and he cares so much about him. Gerard begs him to fuck him.

And he’s not going to say no to that.

Moaning against each other’s mouths, looking at Gerard with hair sticking on his forehead from all the sweat, he feels it. He knows it’s too soon. But suddenly, all the pieces fit together, and his heart is beating so fast it’s about to explode. He sees himself with Gerard, like this, for the rest of their lives, and a warm feeling fills his stomach. _It’s too soon,_ he reminds himself. _I’m not doing it again._ But it’s too late because he already loves him.

‘Why are you smiling, dickhead?’ Gerard asks him.

‘Nothing. Just seeing your face.’

‘Well, go faster.’

All sticky and tired, they cuddle next to each other afterwards. Gerard’s arm around Frank’s shoulders, which he loves. He likes to feel protected and cared for, too. ‘Wow!’ Frank says. ‘It’s been a while, or maybe I’m getting too old.’

Gerard laughs. ‘Well, I don’t know about you, but it’s both for me.’

‘It’s not as easy as it used to be. My knees hurt too much.’

‘Tell me about it.’

They stay quiet for a couple minutes, and then Gerard breaks the silence. ‘So this makes us fuck buddies, I guess.’ Frank gives him a disappointed look, but Gerard’s laugh lets him know it’s a joke. ‘I wanted to see your face.’ They kiss again, Frank’s tongue pushing inside his mouth. ‘For real, though. I know we’re old and shit, and I don’t know the rules, or how it’s supposed to work, but I guess, what I’m saying is, you want to be my man or whatever?’

Frank couldn’t help but laugh hysterically at that. First of all, because he was too happy. But mainly because it just sounded funny. ‘ _My man_ _or whatever?_ ’

‘Boyfriend sounds stupid. We’re not teenagers.’

‘I guess you’re right. And yes, I want to be your man or whatever.’ And without saying anything else, they went back to making out, their hands on each other’s skins, until Gerard was on top of Frank, and they were going for round two.

Frank is back at his apartment, taking a long shower and trying to look decent. Gerard only told him now that his brother was coming over to visit, so he has to make a good impression. ‘He’s cool,’ he assured him. ‘It’s just a family barbecue, nothing more.’

‘Yeah, but it turns out I’m not part of the family. Not yet. And this is the first time we’re meeting. That is if you want me here.’ He had spent a whole week sleeping over at Gerard’s, and a lot of his stuff was already there.

‘Of course I want you here, what are you talking about?’

‘Fine. Then, I’ll be back in a couple hours. We have to pretend we’re not actually living together already. I don’t want your family to think bad about you.’

‘Frank! I’m forty-two years old, for fucks sake!’

‘What?! I thought you were twenty-five! You tricked me!’ Gerard tried to stop him by pulling him back in bed, but it didn’t work. ‘I’ll be back!’

So now, he’s walking back to Gerard’s house, wearing a sweater and jeans. And obviously, Lois is coming too. Just like he planned it, Gerard’s brother and his family have arrived already. ‘Hey, baby,’ Gerard says, greeting him at the door, and pulling him by the arm to the dining room, where they all are. ‘So – Frank, this is my family. My brother Mikey, his wife Kristin, and their kids Rowan and Kennedy. Guys, this is Frank.’ Gerard wraps his arm around Frank’s waist, making him giggle. ‘My – boyfriend?’

Frank laughs. ‘Yeah. Nice to meet you.’

‘Boyfriend, huh?’ Mikey asks, holding out a hand for him to shake. ‘Nice to meet you.’

They all sit outside, Gerard playing with his baby niece, while Rowan and Kristin play in the pool, and Mikey and Frank take care of the grill. ‘So – I would ask my brother,’ Mikey starts. ‘But I know he won’t tell me. So how did you two meet?’

‘Oh – I live down the street,’ Frank says, smiling at the thought. ‘I take my dog out for a walk every morning, and we just started talking. And you know, we got closer.’

‘But you’re not married or anything, right?’ Frank understood Mikey being worried. He would be too.

‘Used to. A long time ago.’ There was a long silence. ‘I really care about your brother. You have no idea.’ He almost tells him he loves him, but he wants to keep that for Gerard himself.

‘Welcome to the family.’


	8. EIGHT

They’re all playing monopoly in the living room later that night, though Frank is actually playing tea time with Rowan. ‘It’d be an honor to have tea with you, your honor,’ he says, causing the little girl to giggle. She goes through her princess backpack and takes out the tea set to give a plate to Frank, while Gerard watches the scene. They share glances for a second, smiling at each other.

‘Rowan seems to like Frank,’ Mikey mentions.

‘She does,’ Gerard says with a smile. ‘I think she likes him better than me.’

‘We like him too, by the way. He’s a good guy.’

When Rowan gets distracted with Lois, Frank sits with the everyone else. Mikey interrogates him, in a nice way. Where does he work, his age, political views, does he have any children. Frank takes it as a joke, and Gerard is fascinated by the fact they get along so well. Frank is perfect, he thinks.

They keep talking, and Frank soon realizes Mikey is as big of a nerd as Gerard, and together they get even worse, which is funny to see. They’re talking about superheroes, and D&D, and somehow convince Frank to get into it.

Then, while Kristin takes the girls to bed in the guest room, Gerard is trying to teach him the rules, but he just gives him a look that says he doesn’t understand a thing, and Gerard gives up. ‘I’m sorry, I told you all of my brain cells are dead,’ Frank says.

‘That’s not true. You’re smart as fuck.’

‘But I’m not a nerd like you.’ Gerard pretends to be offended, so Frank pecks him. ‘But I still love you.’

He doesn’t register what he just said until after saying it.

_Fuck._

He said it.

In front of his family.

He’s blushing, he knows it, his mouth open to say something but nothing comes out.

Gerard smiles at him, also blushing. ‘I love you, too,’ he says, and kisses him.

‘Okay –’ Mikey mumbles and gets up from his spot. ‘I need to use the bathroom. To puke!’

‘He’s just joking,’ Gerard assures him between kisses.

‘I know.’

‘Yeah – I just don’t want you thinking he’s repulsed by this –’ They continue kissing as Frank moves to Gerard’s lap, one leg on each side, and then begins to kiss Gerard’s neck.

‘I meant it, by the way. I love you.’

‘I love you, Frankie.’

Soon, they all get up and go to bed. ‘I really like your family, by the way,’ Frank says casually.

‘Well, I’m not supposed to say it, but they like you too.’

‘They do?’ Frank smiles, and kisses Gerard, who’s already pulling him closer, and grinding his lower half against him. ‘Wait – no. We can’t do that with your brother sleeping next door.’ Gerard laughs. ‘I don’t want them to hate me.’

‘Hate you for what? For fucking me?’

And just then, their door opens, and Rowan comes in. ‘Uncle Frankie,’ she says, her eyes still closed. ‘Can you tell me a story?’

‘Of course! Come here!’ Rowan sits between him and Gerard, and they smile at each other, glad they hadn’t taken off their clothes. ‘What story you want me to tell you? I know one about a puppy, one about birds, and one about a dragon.’

‘The dragon one!’

‘Then the dragon one it is.’ He puts his arms around her, and tells her the story he obviously made just made up. Gerard looks at them, feeling the luckiest man in the world, amazed at how good he is with kids. Frank would make a great dad, he thinks.

*

Gerard wakes up to Rowan asleep between him and Frank, and he can’t help smiling.

It’s still early so he goes to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast for everyone. When Mikey makes it to the kitchen, Gerard knows he was the one who send Rowan to their room just by his smile. ‘What? She really likes Frank.’

Ten minutes later, they all make it to the dining room, Frank’s eyes not even open yet. He cuddles in Gerard’s lap, knowing it’ll make Mikey uncomfortable, but also because he wants to. ‘Are you trying to make me throw up?’ Mikey says. ‘I don’t want you kissing my brother in front of me.’ Frank knows he’s joking but he enjoys it.

‘That’s for using us as nannies last night,’ Gerard says.

Mikey covers Rowan’s ears, and then says to Frank, ‘No fucking my brother until after marriage. Just trying to keep his dignity intact.’ They all laugh, and eat, and then hang out at the pool for a while before they have to go.

‘It was nice meeting you, Frank,’ Mikey says as they say goodbye outside.

‘Nice to meet you too.’

‘Thanks for making my brother happy. He really needed that.’

‘Anytime.’

Frank and Gerard see them drive away, Gerard’s arm around his waist, and then turns to him. ‘I have a question,’ he says. Frank looks up, smiling. He doesn’t know what he’s about to ask, but he’d jump off a cliff for him. ‘You wanna move in with me?’

‘Absolutely fucking yes.’


	9. NINE

The move is going down slowly. Frank has keys of the house, and he stays there every night, becoming the place he comes home to after work. He’s brought most of his clothes already, and Gerard gave him his own closet. And most importantly, Lois has made herself home, and sleeps by their bed.

 _Their_ bed.

But the rest of Frank’s stuff is still back in his apartment. On his days off, he takes care of packing up, and selling the furniture he doesn’t need anymore. But it’s taken them a couple weeks, in which they get to know each other better before the move was definite, which for them means knowing every single corner of each other’s bodies better.

Frank spends most morning inside the pool, while Gerard sits on the swing chair and writes, enjoying the view. He never thought he’d have this life, and he feels the luckiest man in the world.

They’re almost done packing everything in boxes, Frank’s books taking most of them. ‘You have a bunch of shit spread around,’ Gerard says going through his bookcases.

‘Are you implying I’m a hoarder?’

‘Yes, that’s what I’m implying.’

‘Is that a turn off? You regret asking me to move in now?’ Frank smiles in a way is impossible to be mean at him.

‘Hell no! Just saying – there’s going to have some order.’ Going through the drawer, he finds a couple photo albums, and curiosity gets the best of him. ‘Do you mind?’

Frank shrugs and keeps cleaning his drawers, while Gerard looks at all the pictures, mostly going _aww_ and _how fucking cute_ with all the baby pictures, making Frank blush. ‘Oh my –! This is when you had the band?’ Gerard shows him one where he’s with other guys, hugging, among a crowd.

‘One of many, yeah.’ Gerard keeps asking him about pictures, so he leaves what he’s doing to sit with Gee and share stories about those days.

He tells him all the different bands he was in, all the venues they played at, and all the tours they did. Gerard can’t help noticing the sparkle in Frank’s eyes when he talks about music and playing onstage, and how happy he is. ‘Play me something.’

Frank looks up at him, surprised. ‘What?’ he says with a giggle.

‘I want to hear you play. I feel like that’s a big part of you, and I don’t know it yet.’

‘I haven’t played in a while, I’m kinda rusty.’

‘I don’t care.’ Gerard gets up and takes one of his many guitars, and hands it to Frank. ‘Please!’

‘You know I can’t say no to you, don’t you?’ He kisses Gee, and takes the guitar, immediately tuning it, and then playing around. ‘What do you want me to play?’

‘Anything.’

Frank plays a riff that repeats over and over, before he starts singing. Gerard has never heard the song, and wonders if it’s an original. But when Frank starts singing, his heart melts right away. His voice is so soothing and raw and with so much feeling, you can’t help feeling all the emotions in his song. When he finishes playing, Frank looks up, smiling, without saying anything else.

‘I fucking love you,’ Gerard says. That leads to them kissing. ‘You know what we’ve never done?’ he asks.

‘What?’

‘Fuck in your room. Or anywhere in this apartment.’

‘That sounds like a plan to me.’

Once Frank has completely moved in, they want to celebrate it by having a date. ‘Great!’ Gerard says. ‘Let me cook you some pasta.’

‘No. We’re going out.’ Gerard is about to protest, but Frank stops him. ‘We’ve been together for a month, and haven’t gone out as a couple! That’s unforgivable!’

‘But –’ Gerard pulls him closer, putting his arms around his neck and kissing him. ‘I don’t – it’s just more comfortable here, just you and me. I can sneak a hand in your pants while we have dinner.’

‘While that sounds like a good idea, I so want to take you out and show you off.’

‘Do you?’

‘Heck yes! You know how fucking handsome you are? I want everyone to know I’m tapping that!’ Gerard laughs at that, and kisses his man. ‘So go and get ready because we’re going to a fancy restaurant, and we’re going to be the hottest couple there.’

Frank helps him to choose a shirt and a long knitted blue cardigan, while he goes for a gray shirt with a black tie. ‘Damn, daddy!’ Gerard yells. ‘I think I’m the one who’ll be showing you off!’

‘First of all, if you call me daddy one more time, we’re over.’ He pulls him by the collar of his shirt and places a kiss on his lips. ‘Second of all, I love you.’

The drove downtown to a Japanese restaurant, walking in hand in hand. Gerard seemed nervous, and he could swear all eyes were on them. ‘Of course they’re looking at us!’ Frank says. ‘We’re attractive as fuck! They’re jealous of me.’

They sit in a booth, and order sushi. All vegetarian options, sharing plates. Holding hands under the table. ‘I can’t believe I get to go home with my man after this,’ Frank says.

‘Me neither. Thanks for accepting moving in with me.’

‘Thanks for asking.’

They talk for what seems hours, and it feels like there is always something new to learn about each other, and they’ll never get tired of it.

After dinner, they walk around downtown, never letting go of each other, stopping for a coffee, and Frank takes pictures of Gee all the time, as well as selfies of both of them.

Back at home – _their_ home – they go straight to bed, not to sleep. ‘So we get to do this for the rest of our lives, huh?’ Frank says afterwards, lying naked on Gerard’s chest. ‘Here, together?’

‘That’s the plan.’

‘I like that plan.’


	10. TEN

‘Happy three-month anniversary!’ Frank mumbles hugging Gerard from behind and sitting in the arms of his office chair. He’s still not quite awake, but he’d rather cuddle in Gerard’s shoulder than in bed.

Gerard moves so Frank can sit on his lap, still resting his head on his shoulder, and pressing kisses on his neck. ‘How do you always remember this?’ he says. ‘You make me seem like the worst boyfriend.’

‘You’re not. You put up with me. That’s already a lot.’

Gerard continues to work on his illustrations, despite Frank’s weight and distracting kisses. ‘I like to disagree. Mornings had never been this good.’ Frank’s mouth presses against his, his tongue slipping in. ‘Should I get ready for a fancy dinner or you have a gift?’

‘I have something even better,’ Frank says, getting up from the chair, and gets everything out of the way in Gerard’s desk, before sitting there. ‘I got the gift of me.’

Gerard smiles at that, tugging on Frank’s boxers. ‘I love that. Best gift ever!’ He takes them down, and takes his already hard dick inside his mouth.

‘I can’t believe I got this lucky.’

***

After disinfecting the desk and moving to the couch to continue the make-out session, they finally get up to make breakfast. Gerard is in charge of the cooking, while Frank grinds the coffee beans, even making up a song about it. ‘That’s why I love you, you dork,’ Gerard tells him.

Frank convinces him to get in the pool with him, where they have sexy wet pool sex, followed by blowjobs in the shower. ‘If we’ll do this every month, I’ll be glad to spend many, many months with you,’ Gerard tells him as they walk back in the room in their underwear.

‘I’m happy to hear that because I was keeping you anyway.’

Obviously, Frank forces him to dress up nicely to go out to eat, though he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it. They walk to the park, and come home to watch movies on the couch until they fall asleep.

The next morning, they have morning sex before Gerard has to work on his comic and Frank takes Lois for a walk. After breakfast, Gerard sits outside to write and convinces Frank to play guitar for him. That night, Frank has to work, and when he comes home, he finds his boyfriend in the office, looking very stressed, writing, so he helps him by sitting on his lap and kissing his neck until Gerard can’t take it any longer and they go upstairs to their bedroom to finish off what they started.

It all becomes a routine, but neither of them could be happier. Sharing coffee in the morning, going to the grocery store together, or taking Lois for walks to the park. Cuddling after Frank comes home from work, or sitting to watch movies together. Babysitting Rowan. All the mundane things that mean so much more now that they’re together.

It’s like they were meant for each other and now it all makes sense.

***

It’s late at night, and Gerard has been glued to the computer all day. Between emails and editing, he looks like he’s about to throw it out the window. So Frank knows what to do.

He gets up from the couch he’s been sitting for the past hour, reading a book, and looks through their record collection – most of them are Frank’s, but now they’re all theirs –, until he finds one he’s looking for. The Ronettes’ _Be My Baby_. He puts it in the turntable, and walks up to Gerard, and pulls him by the arm to the other side of the office. Gerard protests, but Frank pulls him closer, taking one hand on his and wraps the other one around his waist, and sways him around.

They go around, struggling to follow the rhythm, but Frank finds it even more endearing, and tries to fight the tears. Resting his head in Gerard’s shoulder, he says, ‘I remember seeing my grandparents dancing to this in their living room when I was a kid, and I always dreamed of doing the same thing with the love of my life, but I never thought that day would come.’

Gerard runs his hand down Frank’s cheek and notices he’s crying. ‘Oh, Frankie!’

‘No – they’re happy tears. It’s just I never thought this would ever happen to me. I never thought I would find someone so perfect that made my life so much better. And there you are.’

Gerard placed a kiss on Frank’s lips. ‘I love your fucking romantic heart so much.’ He kisses him again. ‘And I want nothing more than you seeing all your dreams come true, because you deserve it more than anyone.’

‘Fucking stop it!’

‘You’re so adorable!’

‘Fuck you.’ Gerard wants to make him happy, so they keep dancing for a little longer, while Frank tells him more about his childhood memories. ‘I thought one day I’d have my own kids and grandkids, and they would be there.’

‘Is that something you want?’ The question catches Frank off guard, pulling apart from Gee’s shoulder to face him. He never thought the topic would ever come out. ‘You want kids?’

Frank nods. ‘It’s something I’ve always wanted. I almost did, by the way.’ Gerard looks shocked. ‘She got pregnant, and I was on the road, and always on pills. When I came back, she told me she had an abortion because she didn’t think I’d be a good dad.’ He’s crying again, and Gerard hugs him tighter.

‘I know it’s too early in our relationship, but who knows? Maybe one day.’

‘Would you have kids with me?’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve seen you with Rowan. You’d be an excellent dad!’

They don’t say another word and just keep slow dancing until the dead of night.


	11. ELEVEN

It's seven a.m. and Frank wakes up to find Lois by the bed, waiting for him to take him for a walk. 'Aww you dork,' he says, patting her head. 'Let's go.'

His eyes aren't even open as he walks to the kitchen to make himself coffee, and puts on a jacket, and then they're on their way out. They pass by Frank's old apartment complex, bringing memories of another life. He can't believe it's only been a couple months since he's moved in with Gerard and he feels so much at home. 

Halfway through his walk, his phone rings. 'Hello, mom!' he says, without looking at the screen. She's the only one who still calls him, especially this early in the morning. 

'Good morning, sweetie! How are you?'

'I'm good, mom.' It has been a while since they actually talked, and he hasn't really told her about Gerard, or the fact that they're living together, other than he was seeing someone. Most days he feels it's too good to be true, and it could end in any second, so he was afraid to tell others and ruin it. 'In fact, I've never been this good,' he says with a smile.

'Sweetheart! That makes me so happy!' They talk for a while, catching up on what they've been doing, and life in general. Frank isn't sure why he doesn't call his mom more often. 'You should come over and visit!'

'I would love to.' 

'Are you working tonight?'

'I am. But let's do it tomorrow.'

When he walks back in the house, he finds Gerard sitting on a bar stool, eyes glued to his laptop. 'Good morning, babe,' Frank says, approaching from behind, and kissing his cheek. 'New office?'

'It's closer to the coffee pot.' Gerard kisses him back, and pulls him closer. 'I want to fuck you so bad right now, but I have so many edits to do –'

'Don't tease me!' Frank pours himself a cup of coffee and joins him. 'Oh, by the way. My mom called, and we're having dinner with her tomorrow.'

'Wait – what? Am I going to finally meet your mom?'

'If you want to, of course.' 

'Of course I do.' To be honest, Frank is terrified of Gerard meeting his family. It means they’re serious. He hasn't been in a serious relationship in the longest time, and the last time, he never took him to meet the parents. 'Does she even know about me?'

'Are you kidding me?! Yes!'

'She does?!' 

'I mean, I'm in my late thirties, I don't need to tell my mom every detail of my sex life –'

Gerard interrupts. 'What do you mean sex life? We're more than that!'

'Yeah, but it's still weird to tell my mom I'm you know, living with you, and all that.'

'I get you, you don't have to give me an explanation. Though tomorrow, I guess we're going to have to tell her?'

'We will,' Frank says with a shy smile, clearly blushing. 

'You're nervous?'

'As fuck.'

Frank then gets in the shower, gets ready for work, and continues with his day. He's so excited about bringing Gerard to meet his mom, it's obvious in his enthusiastic tone and trying to make conversations with customers, that he gets almost double the tips. 

He comes home tired and sore, and Gerard takes him to bed and gives him a massage. 'This is my favorite part of moving in with you,' Frank says.

'I'm glad. I love spoiling you.' Gerard rubbed lotion on Frank's tattooed back, followed by tiny kisses all over, his hands caressing every inch of him.

'This was your plan, huh?'

'You got me.' And then Gerard's hand goes in Frank's underwear and takes him. 

***

'Gee! C'mon!' Frank yells from the door. He has a duffel bag and Lois on her leash, waiting for Gerard, who's still upstairs. 

When he finally makes it to the door, he's wearing the same blue cardigan he wore on their first outdoor date, and he's carrying a plant. 

'What is that?' Frank asks.

'A gift. For your mom.' The way he says it, nervous and almost doubting himself, melts Frank's heart. 'Is it too much?'

Frank shakes his head. 'You're so adorable sometimes,' he says, planting a kiss on Gerard's lips. 

'Only sometimes?'

'Yeah.' 

They walk outside to Frank's car, and he gets Lois and the bag in the backseat before getting in himself. 'What's that for?' Gerard asks.

'The bag? I brought some extra clothes for both.'

'What? Why?'

'My mom is kinda pushy, and I'm sure she'll ask us to stay the night so we don't have to drive all the way here and, you know –'

'So we're going to sleep in your childhood bed? Together?'

'I mean – it's not the same bed, but yeah?'

'Now I'm excited.'

Gerard spent most of the drive there asking about his mom, wondering if she'd like him. 'She's going to love you, I'm sure!' Frank assured him.

'And when are we meeting your dad?' 

'One parent to worry about at the time, please!' 

They finally park outside a small one-story house with a cute front lawn covered in roses. Gerard is still nervous, but Frank calms him down. 'She'll love you,' he says. 'You have nothing to worry about. I love you, so she'll love you.' Gerard nods, and they walk to the door. Frank opens it just like that, without knocking or ringing the doorbell, Lois' leash on one hand, and pulling Gerard with the other. 'Mom! I'm here!'

Out of the kitchen comes a short woman, probably in her late fifties, though she looks younger. She looks a lot like Frank. 'Hey, sweetheart,' she says, reaching to kiss his cheek. 

'How are you, mom?'

'I'm doing perfect.'

'Mom – this is Gerard, my boyfriend. Gerard, this is Linda, my mom.'

'Nice to meet you, Mrs. Iero.'

'Call me Linda, please. And nice to meet you, too. Frankie's told me a lot about you.'

'Oh has he?' Frank shrugs. 

They walk to the dining room, where she has a pot of coffee ready. 'So, boyfriends already?' she asks, out of nowhere. Frank and Gerard share a smile. 

'You could say that?' Frank answers. 'We live together, and you know, do all the couple things, but aren't we a little old for that term?'

'You're not! And it's adorable!' They go on and on, Linda telling Gerard stories about Frank as a kid, and that time she found him trying her makeup. After dinner, Frank takes him to what used to be his room, though now looks all different, with a full bed, and empty bookcases and bare walls. His mom keeps some of his awards and pictures around, though. 

'You went to a private school?' Gerard asks, looking at a picture of Frank, probably around sixteen, wearing his uniform receiving an award. 

'Even worse, catholic school.'

'Wow! You look so adorable!'

'Stop it!' Frank mumbles, pulling him to the bed. 'I was a fat kid who smoked weed and tried to get in trouble. I was miserable!'

Gerard frowns.

'It wasn't that bad, though. I met my first boyfriend there,' he admits with a smile.

'Oh, really?'

'Yeah. We actually made out a couple times in this room.'

'You wanna do a repeat?' Frank doesn't even answer and goes directly to his lips.

***

Late at night, they're smoking and playing cards in the dining room. Frank tells them it's okay if they drink, but they refuse. Gerard tells Linda about his writing gig, and his new story he's writing, when Frank gets a call. 

It's James, one of Frank's old friends. He's been calling all day, but he's been so focused on spending time with his mom and Gerard, that he was avoiding the call. It's probably to ask for a favor, he thinks.

But after so many missed calls, he decides to take it, and walks outside. 'Hey, man! What's up?' he says. 

The voice on the other side talks and talks. Something about a job as producer. Frank nods, but it's too much information at once.

'I'll think about it, okay?' Frank tells him, lighting a cigarette. 

A minute later, Gerard approaches. 'Everything cool? What happened?'

'Nothing.' He's still processing everything. 'My friend James called me. He wants me to produce an album for him, maybe play in his band when they go on tour.' There's a heavy silence, and Gerard reaches for Frank's hand. 'I told him to consider me a while back. Before I met you.'

'But it's your dream!'

'It's in LA. It'd be several months. I'd have to leave next week.'

They don't say another word, and Gerard just puts an arm around him. 

Just when everything was perfect.


	12. TWELVE

When Gerard opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Frank, already awake, looking at him. 'Good morning,' Frank says.

He looks tired, and sad. That breaks Gerard's heart. 

Frank is always smiling, happy about something, even the smallest thing. At least, that's the Frank that he knows. 'Good morning.' He runs his thumb up and down Frank's face, pulling him closer, and placing a kiss on his forehead. 'You know you have all my support, and I couldn't be happier for you.'

'Thank you.' Frank is hugging him tight. They didn't say a lot last night. Every time Gerard tried to talk about it, he would tell him to stop and begged to make out. 'I couldn't sleep. I saw you, and thinking about not waking up next to you for the next couple months will be unbearable. I don't know if I want that.'

'But it's your dream.'

'Not anymore. You are my dream.' 

Gerard kisses him. 'While I love your cheesiness, and waking up next to you more than anything, please consider this. I'll still be here. There are ways to be in touch. Who knows? Maybe I'll be visiting soon.'

Frank leans in his shoulder, and starts sobbing. 'But you don't get it. I'm happy where I'm at. The happiest I've ever been. I don't want anything else.'

'And me too.' He takes Frank's face between his hands and holds it close to his own face. 'And trust me when I say I'm gonna love you no matter what, even if you work at Olive Garden, or you're a producer, or whatever the fuck you decide to do. But you are so much more than a server, and I just want to see you happy and living your dream.' Frank mumbles something, but Gerard has no idea what it is, so he just kisses him. 'Now let's eat something.'

They both head to the kitchen, and Frank helps him find all the ingredients for pancakes, while Gerard starts a pot of coffee. While Gerard makes the pancakes, Franks hugs him, resting his head on his shoulder. 

When Linda wakes up, the table is set. 'You guys already up?' she asks.

'We're early birds, ma',' Frank says, still hugging Gerard. 

'You were never one, honey. What happened?'

'An annoying dog that wakes me up when she gets hungry.'

'Speaking of that dog,' Gerard interrupts. 'I'm going to take her outside so she goes potty.' He shoots a look at Frank before he mentions they already took her outside. 'You should start getting yourselves coffee or something.'

Now it's just Frank and his mom. That's what Gerard wanted.

They do need to talk. 

He grabs two mugs from the cupboard, and serves coffee for himself and his mom. 'So –,' he says, and then takes a second to think what he's going to say. 'Last night, James called me – he wants me to go to LA and produce an album for him –'

Linda doesn't wait to hear the rest. She hugs him, all excited. 'I'm so happy for you, my dear! It was about time you did what you love again.' 

'Thanks, mom.' He pauses. 'The thing is – I don't know if I'm going to go.'

'But –'

'I've never been so in love as I am right now. I don't want to ruin it and leave the best thing that's ever happened to me for a job that will lasts me a couple months.'

'Honey!' She reaches out to him, wiping off his tears. 'I know. I could see it the moment I saw you together. It's clear how happy he makes you.' Frank nods. 'And I'm also sure he told you to go ahead and do it.'

'Yeah.'

'He loves you too, and he wants to see you happy.'

'I know.' Then why was Frank feeling so miserable? 'I don't know if I'll be able to do it without him,' he admits in tears. 'He's kept me sane for this past couple months, forcing myself to stay clean. But I'm scared once I get back, I'll go back to my old habits.'

'No – you're stronger than you think.' 

She hugs her son tight, comforting him, and that's when Gerard comes back in. Without saying anything, he runs to Frank and puts his arms around him, letting him cry on his shoulder. 'I'm scared,' Frank cries.

'It's going to be okay.'

Linda serves everyone breakfast while Gerard comforts Frank, and then they sit at the table, and eat mostly in silence. 'Thank you for taking care of my Frankie,' Linda tells Gerard. 

'Oh – he takes care of me just as much.' Frank smiles at that.

'You don't know how happy it makes me that he found you.'

'Me too.'

They leave soon after, and Frank promises his mom to call more often. 'And please tell me you're taking the job.'

'I'll think about it.'

The drive home is quiet, and Gerard gives Frank some space, just holding his hand.

He goes to work as normal, though his mind is going crazy, knowing he shouldn't be serving tables, but also terrified of going back to the business that made him an addict. 

He knows now it's different. He has Gerard. Gerard makes him strong, makes him believe in himself. Makes him feel safe. And gives him a purpose, to go back home to the man he loves. He knows Gerard will never let it happen again. 

When he gets home, he goes straight to the couch next to Gerard, and hugs him. 'I'm taking it,' he says. 

Gerard kisses him, and puts an arm around him. 'I'm glad.'

'Just promise me something –' Frank sits up and looks at him. 'Don't let me become what I used to be.'

'Okay.'


	13. THIRTEEN

Frank has been packing all morning, going from one room to the next, looking for an specific shirt. He’s only been living with Gerard for four months now, yet there were traces of him everywhere. ‘Gee – baby –,’ he sits next to Gerard in bed. ‘Have you seen my brown cardigan?’

‘No,’ Gerard says, his eyes glued to the laptop. ‘Have you checked the washing machine?’

‘You’re right!’ And then he’s off the laundry room downstairs, where effectively, said brown cardigan has been all this time.

‘I’m done,’ he says, closing the last of his suitcases. ‘I think that’s enough for two months, isn’t it?’

‘That’s a lot for two months.’

‘But then again, you were the same shirt for a whole week,’ Frank says and joins Gerard in bed, and then kisses him. ‘But I love that about you.’

‘Well, I wear whatever I’m comfortable in.’

‘And you look fucking hot in it.’ He kisses his neck, trying to distract him from writing. ‘Can you stop for a minute? I’m leaving tomorrow, I want you just for me. Just one day.’

‘I guess you win.’ Gerard puts the laptop away, and pulls Frank so he’s on top of him. ‘Is it too late to say don’t go?’

‘No, just say it and I’ll call James.’

‘No – don’t.’ Gerard caresses the side of Frank’s face with his thumb, and lets his fingers run through his hair. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

That causes Frank to smile.

‘I’m serious. Should I tell everyone I’m fucking a music producer?’

‘So this is what it is?’

‘I’m kidding. Or am I?’

Their make out session is interrupted by Lois being hungry, and Frank knowing he won’t see her in a while, gets up and takes her to the kitchen.

They don’t do a lot for the rest of the day, other than cuddle in front of the TV or eating snacks and talking. ‘So – you never told me you’re also a producer,’ Gerard says.

‘That’s because I’m not. I helped James and my old band when we were recording, and learned a lot, but nothing like official. But I guess he trusts me.’

‘That’s sweet.’

‘I guess. But I feel he was also trying to get me back into playing and all that.’

‘That’s nice of him.’ He stares at Frank for a while. ‘And this guy James,’ Gerard asks. ‘You’re going to stay with him for these two months?’

‘Are you jealous?’ Frank can’t help smiling. ‘

‘I’m just asking, okay!’

‘Well, yeah – he’s one of my best friends, and I actually lived with him for a while when I was in LA most of the time. But it’s nothing like that. You have nothing to worry about.’

‘I’m not worrying.’ He feeds a popcorn to Frank. ‘Not about that, though. For a moment I did worry about all the people you’re going to be around, how there’s going to be hot girls and guys everywhere, and you’re going to forget about me.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me?!’ Gerard is blushing, not daring to look up at Frank. ‘First of all – have you looked yourself in the mirror? I’m lucky I’m with you! You’re like, a sex god!’ Gerard laughed. ‘I’m not kidding, Gerard! I mean it. You’re the hottest guy, and I don’t just say it because I love you.’

‘Stop it!’

‘I won’t until you see what I see.’ Frank then reaches for his hand, his fingers interlacing between Gerard’s. ‘Second of all – you really think I’m that kind of guy? That I just see someone attractive and forget my heart belongs to someone already?’

Gerard shakes his head.

‘Good. Because the only thing I’ll be thinking about will be coming home to you.’

‘But please, promise me you’ll have a good time.’

‘I will.’

After dinner, Frank calls James to make sure he has all the info he needs, and whether he got the emails. And then his parents to let them know he’s leaving. His mom sounds happy, and tells him he still has to call her every day, and to take care, which makes Frank cry. When he calls his dad, it gets more technical, talking about music stuff, which Frank appreciates. ‘You’re going to do great, boy,’ he says. ’I’m so proud of you and what you’ve accomplished. And when you come home, you better introduce me to that boy Gerard, because I need to thank him for taking care of you.’

Frank laughs, tears rolling down his cheeks. ‘Thanks, dad.’

When he hangs up, he takes a cigarette, and sits in the swing chair, taking it all in. Appreciate the life he has. Gerard, Lois, his parents, his new job and possibly a new opportunity to get back in the scene. Gerard.

He knows none of this would be happening without him. He would have given up long ago if it wasn’t for him. He knows he wouldn’t be sober if it wasn’t for Gerard. Probably not even alive.

And as if he’d summoned him, Gerard steps out in the patio, and sees Frank. ‘Is – everything okay?’

Frank nods, and as soon as Gerard sits next to him, he cuddles into his shoulder, and hugs him. ‘Too perfect,’ he says. ‘So perfect that I don’t want to ever leave.’

Gerard strokes his hair, comforting him. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘I know I have to, but I’m gonna miss this.’

‘I’m gonna miss you too.’

‘I’m gonna miss sexy time every morning.’ That makes Gerard laugh. ‘But I’m gonna miss having you right next to me when I feel like shit.’

‘You can call me anytime you do.’

‘I will.’ Frank is still holding tight to Gerard, resting his head in his shoulder, taking in his smell so he can remember it for the next couple months. ‘I’ve never been this happy,’ he mumbles. ‘And I’m scared of leaving. You make me feel so safe.’

‘I’m glad, and the feeling is mutual.’

Then, Frank pulls apart and looks at Gerard in the eye. ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It’s the only thing I’m sure of.’ He cups the side of his face with his hand, caressing his cheek with his thumb. ‘And knowing that I’ll come home to you, is the only thing that keeps me going. So it would mean the world to me if you accept to be with me the rest of your life.’

‘Frank – is this a –’

‘You know it is. So just say yes or no so I know what to do.’

‘You know the answer.’ He just leans in to kiss him, and wraps an arm around him to pull him closer. ‘Absolutely yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ Frank starts laugh crying, and kisses him again.

Frank’s flight is supposed to depart at eight in the morning, so they make it to the airport before six. They check in his luggage, and go for a coffee. Frank can’t stop shaking, nervous because how his life is about to change again, and because Gerard’s not going to be around, and he hates that. ‘Remember Lois’ vet appointment is next week,’ he says. ‘And that she’s supposed to be on a diet, so only the special food.’

‘I know.’

Frank hugs Gerard for the next ten minutes, and doesn’t want to let go of him, but he should be getting to his gate by now. ‘Are you sure you’re going to be okay?’ Gerard asks. ‘You have your anxiety meds?’

‘I’m fine!’ Frank says, even though he’s crying.

‘I can get a ticket and go with you this instant.’

‘I’ll be okay. I’m a big boy, now.’ They both laugh, squeezing each other’s hands tight. ‘I’m going to miss you.’

‘Me too.’

‘I’ll call you as soon as I get there.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’ He kisses him again. Gerard doesn’t even think about it anymore, kissing in front of people or any form of PDA. Not with Frank. He’s safe with him, he knows that, there shouldn’t be anything to be scared of. ‘Take care, okay?’

‘You too. I love you.’

‘I love you.’ They kiss one last time, and then Frank walks to the gate, off to LA. Gerard is so proud of him, but now he’s starting to miss him.


	14. FOURTEEN

It was a while since the last time Frank visited LA.

But nothing has really changed.

The traffic is still a nightmare, and it's fucking hot. And he suddenly remembers he hated everyone here.

When the Mercedes Benz pulls over to pick him up from the airport, he knows there's something weird. Then an hour later, they drop him off at a nice house in Beverly Hills – it's small, but definitely not cheap.

He's supposed to meet with James and someone from the label later in the afternoon, so he has enough time to call Gerard and maybe a nap before taking a shower. 'Hey, love,' Frank said, trying to contain his excitement as he walked around the rental house.

'Frank! Babe!' He had already texted him when he made it to the airport, but hearing his voice is different. 'I miss you already!'

'Oh, I fucking miss you more!' He checks the rooms, the closets, every little detail. 'So – here's the thing. It seems like James didn't tell me the whole thing, and I got a fucking chauffeur drive me to a fucking house in Beverly Hills. You have any idea the kind of money we're dealing with? This isn't just a favor I'm doing for a dear friend. This is serious.'

Gerard is laughing on the other side of the line.

'I'm meeting them later, so I don't know anything yet.' He pauses and sat on the couch, and starts going through Netflix. 'So – how are you?'

'Besides lonely and missing you? Bored. All I can do is sleep and write.'

'It's only been eight hours.'

'The longest eight hours of my life.'

'Maybe you can finally write without me distracting you.'

'But thinking about you and missing you is distracting me more,' Gerard says, and he sounds sad.

'I know what you mean. It's going to be the longest two months ever.'

***

James picks him up at four p.m. to get to the meeting. 'Frankie!' he yells in excitement when he arrived. 'How long it's been?!'

'Five years? Six?'

'Wow! Such a long time? What's up?!'

'Well – I'm sober and I have a boyfriend, and I moved in with him recently.'

'Wait, what?'

'What? It's not like you didn't know.'

'I mean – yeah. But it's like that serious? Like you're out and like in a serious relationship?'

'Yeah. It's that serious, and I've never been this happy.'

'I'm happy for you, man!' James says, and wraps him in a tight hug.

'Thank you.'

They make it to the café, and a tall man in a suit is already waiting for them. 'Chad Stevens, he's with Warner,' James introduces him.

'Warner? You're with a major label?' Frank says, surprised. How did James convince Warner to back up one of his crazy ideas, and how he convinced them to hire Frank to produce the album, he doesn't know, but he's happy for his friend, so he congratulates him.

'Who do you think hired that chauffeur and rented that house for you?'

They soon start going over the business details, as well as James explaining both of them what he wanted out of the album. 'It's like you took LSD and it's a whole trip with electronic music as background.'

All Frank can think was, _Huh._ He knows he has to actually listen to his songs to know what he meant.

James took Frank to get a rental car – on the label's credit card –, and Frank then goes shopping for groceries, and heads back to his temporary home. He facetimes Gerard before going to bed, but he's too tired and falls asleep while they're talking.

***

Preproduction starts the next morning, and James shows him all his songs. They talk about ideas, and plans, and suddenly, it's midnight. Frank goes home, wishing he could snuggle with Lois and Gerard, but he's alone. Watching Netflix. Drinking a Coke. He thinks about calling Gerard but it was four in the morning back in New Jersey, so he just goes to bed and fell asleep.

The next morning, Frank wakes up to his boyfriend calling him. 'Why didn't you call me last night?'

'It was already late, I didn't want to wake you up,' Frank replies groggily.

'You know I don't mind.'

'Okay. I'm sorry. I'll call you tonight.'

'I love you, babe.'

Back in New Jersey, Gerard tries to occupy himself with his book, and calling Mikey, taking care of Lois. He's used to Frank doing it, and before him, it was just his cats, who don't need as much attention as Lois.

They text each other all day, but it's not the same.

Frank is too busy trying to follow James' ideas and figuring out what to do with them. They're a good team, having worked together for a long time, but being in the producer chair requires more decision making, which is more stressful, and he can't lie to himself, being in a recording studio brings so many memories, and makes him feel good inside. But being sober it was a whole other thing.

'How was it today?' Gerard asks later that night. He's already in bed, with Lois napping on Frank's side of the bed.

'Ugh! Frustrating! We're still trying to figure out everything, and now James wants to add actual instruments, so we need to find musicians.' Frank rubs his face, exhausted. 'And I miss you more than ever.'

'Aww, I miss you, too.' Gerard pauses, looking at Frank, smiling like stupid. 'Oh – did you see the gift I packed for you?'

'No, where?'

'In one of your suitcases. The red one, I think.'

'I haven't really unpacked.'

'Well,' Gerard says. 'Go and get it. We might need it right now.'

Frank gets up from bed, and looks inside his red suitcase, where indeed, there _is_ a gift bag hiding under all of his clothes. He goes back to bed, in front of his laptop. 'Ooh, what could it be?' There's a box inside, and when Frank opens it, he sees the pink vibrator inside. He can't help laughing. 'Are you kidding me?'

It's not that he hadn't used one before, obviously he has. But he just didn't expect it from Gerard, and he knows exactly what he wants to do. It seemed like a new step in their relationship.

'You like it?' Gerard asks.

'Of course I do!'

'You wanna use it now?'

'Is that even a question?' Gerard throws a ball outside the room so that Lois got out, and it's just them, even though they're in two separate states, opposite coasts, but that night, it feels like they were right next to each other.

Frank thinks he could manage this, at least for a while.

***

A week later, they finally started the recording, and to celebrate, James throws an impromptu party at the studio with the musicians and a few of the techs. And by party, he means lots of booze and pills and other drugs, and laughing their asses off.

He knows Frank is sober, and he still does it right in front of him and has the guts to invite him. 'C'mon,' James says, offering him a beer. 'For old times' sake.'

Frank looks at the can in his friend's hand.

There was nothing he needed more at that moment – other than Gerard –. But he knows how alcohol made him feel. At peace. No anxiety, no fear. No worries. He remembered the safety it gave him. How comforting it was after a long day of work, like the one he just went through.

But he can't just throw away almost four years of sobriety just like that.

He remembers Gerard back at home, waiting for him, trusting him.

'I'm good. I'm gonna go home,' Frank says, almost regretting it a little. 'Just clean after yourselves.'

He took a breath on his way to the parking lot, reminding himself that he took the right decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are liking this story, and where it's going... it means the world to me if you vote or comment. Thanks for showing so much love for all my fics, and this one especially <3


	15. FIFTEEN

‘Do it again!’ Frank yells from the booth. James protests but starts playing again, while the guitar player does his part. They’ve been recording for eight hours straight, and Frank has never been so frustrated.

‘But it needs a voice track!’ James insists, when they’re listening back.

‘Do you have a singer? Are you going to do it? Or what’s your plan?’

‘I don’t know. I’m not singing, you know I can’t anymore, but we’ll find someone.’

‘We’ve been recording for two weeks straight, and you just come up with this? We only have two songs finished!’ Frank is so mad, he gets up from his chair and does his best not to kick it. Then, the door opens, and one of the assistants comes in. ‘Mr. Iero –,’ she says, a little afraid of what his reaction will be. ‘There’s someone here looking for you.’

Without another word, the visitor walks in.

Gerard.

His lovely Gerard. ‘Surprise!’

Frank gasps, and runs to his arms. ‘Gee!’ he says, hugging him tight, not planning on letting him go any soon. ‘Fuck, I missed you.’

‘I missed you too, babe.’ They kiss, forgetting about everyone else around them. it was just them. ‘I love you.’

***

‘So this is him, huh?’ James says as he joins them in the booth. ‘You’re gonna make me jealous, Frankie.’

Gerard doesn’t know what’s happening, and gives Frank a confused look.

‘James, this is my boyfriend Gerard,’ Frank says. ‘Gerard, this is James Dewees, the asshole I told you about.’

‘Nice to meet you,’ Gerard says shaking Dewees’ hand.

‘Likewise. Frankie here told me about you.’

‘He did?’ Gerard blushes, turning to Frank, who quickly interrupts.

‘Why don’t we take the day off? You can work on whatever crazy ideas you have, while I have some quality time with my man here.’

‘I like the idea,’ James replies.

‘Fine. But please, be ready for tomorrow.’

***

Neither of them can’t keep their hands off each other as soon as they walk out of the studio, so Frank drags him to one of the private restrooms, and starts unbuttoning Gerard’s pants as soon as the door is closed behind them and sliding his hand down his underwear, while his tongue attacks Gerard’s mouth. ‘Ugh,’ he moans. ‘I missed you so much!’

‘Me too,’ Gerard gasps.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’ Frank said, his other hand on Gerard’s back.

‘I wanted to surprise you.’

‘And I love you for that.’ He goes down on Gerard, swallowed his spunk, and makes him moan loud. When they walk out, he knows people are looking, but he doesn’t care.

He can’t keep his hand to himself on the drive home, and when they make it, he thinks about cooking something for them, but they obviously have more important matters to take care of.

They haven’t seen each other for two weeks, after so much time spent together. Their bodies miss each other, how well they fit together.

They start off on the couch, clothes on, Frank on Gerard’s lap, his hands going under his sweater – actually Frank’s sweater, but he loves that Gerard uses it as if it was his, and how well he looks. Their crotches grind against each other, the sole friction driving them wild for more, so they head to the bedroom.

Frank helps him with his clothes, and then takes off his. They already know what the other likes, so they know what to do. Frank spreads Gerard’s legs to prep him, kissing his thighs and enjoying when Gerard starts moaning.

‘Wait,’ Gerard says before Frank continues. ‘Where’s your little toy?’

Frank smirks, already knowing what he has in mind, and gets it from his drawer.

Gerard coats in lube. ‘Ready?’ he asks before he slowly sticks it in Frank’s entrance, causing him to scream. Once it’s all the way in, he turns it on a low level, and he can see Frank is already in the middle of something. ‘Okay, let’s do it. Fuck me.’

***

They’re still shaking from their orgasms, cuddling next to each other, unable to stop smiling. ‘Thanks for coming, babe,’ Frank says.

‘Of course.’

‘Did you plan it, or was it –’

‘I planned it. Why are you even asking, you know me.’

‘You’re right.’

‘And by that, I mean, I planned it two days ago. I had to call your mom and ask if she could take care of Lois, and she agreed. Then took the cats to Mikey’s house. I had to come see you.’

‘I’m glad you did. How long are you staying here for?’

‘Five days. I’m leaving on Friday.’

‘Let’s make the most of it then.’

***

Frank took him to a vegan burrito place nearby, and then to a thrift store. ‘I could see myself staying here,’ Gerard says.

‘Are you kidding me?’

‘What? You don’t like it?’

‘Not to live.’

Frank checks the time again, and runs to the car. ‘Where are we going?’ Gerard asks behind him.

‘You’ll see.’

Frank still has trouble finding his way around the city, and with all the traffic he’s afraid they wouldn’t make it before the sunset.

But they make it just in time.

He knows it’s cliché, and he knows that Gerard has visited LA many times before and most likely has been to the Hollywood sign, but he wants to go up there with him.

They stand above the sign, overlooking the entire city, the sun just starting to hide in the distance. They both look at the beautiful sight in front of them, and Frank takes Gerard’s hand in his, his eyes still straight ahead. ‘I know I already asked you this, but – I want to make it official.’ He then turns to him, and takes a box out of his front pocket, his hands shaking. ‘You wanna marry me?’ he asks, and opens the box to show a ring.

Gerard can’t even answer. He throws himself at Frank, his arms around him in a tight hug. ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ he whispers in Frank’s ear.

He can hear Frank already crying. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you think about it?


	16. SIXTEEN

'You're still looking at it?' Frank says first thing when he wakes up. He's been staring at Gerard for the past ten minutes, while Gerard can't stop looking at his ring and how his hand looks with it. 

'It's just so – surreal, you know?' Gerard says with a smile.

'What is it?'

'We're engaged.'

Frank smiles at the thought and kisses his naked shoulder. 'You are so surreal, and I still don't know how I was lucky enough to find you. You're my angel.'

Gerard turns around to kiss him. 'I can't believe I'll get to have you next to me for the rest of my life.'

'Are you sure you want that?'

'More than anything.' They kiss again, as if it was the first time they do. 'So when did you buy it? You didn't even know I was coming! You had a plan or something?'

Frank shakes his head. 'I had some saving savings, though. Me and James went to the mall when I arrived here, to buy some gear. I walked by a jewelry store, and after that talk we had back home, I knew I wanted to do it right because that's what you deserve. And I looked at rings and I knew I had to buy this.'

'It's so beautiful.' Frank does his best not to cry. 'We're engaged!' 

They stay in bed like that for a while, just enjoying each other's company and warmth. Gerard makes breakfast, which Frank is thankful for because he missed that, and even though Frank wants to stay with him, he has to go to work. 'What are you gonna do?' he asks Gerard.

'I don't know. Maybe I'll get an uber and go to the mall or the bookstore.'

'Gerard Way! You're actually going out of the house? Who are you and what did you do to my fiancé?'

'I'm in LA! I'm supposed to do touristy stuff.'

'Just kidding. I love you.'

***

Frank tries to be patient with James, but it's getting hard. It's one crazy idea after the next, and all Frank wants is to go back home to Gerard.

They're listening to the demos in the booth, Frank trying to hide his reaction. 'You don't like it,' James says. 

'It's not – that.' But it is. 'It's not that I don't like it. It just needs something more.'

'I told you. Vocals.'

'Have you found someone to do them?' James didn't answer. 'I'm just saying, we only have a couple weeks left to record, and this is taking a long time. I don't want to stay in LA longer than I should because I want to go home with Gerard. So if you please, just –'

'How did it go last night?'

'Don't change the subject!'

'I'm just interested in my friend's life!' James says. 'Can't I? Just because you're producing this album doesn't mean we're not friends anymore.' 

Frank has to bite his tongue. There are many other reasons why they're not that close anymore, but this isn't the time. And he honestly wants to tell someone the news. 'Fine,' Frank says, smiling bigger than ever. 'We got engaged.'

'What?! That's amazing! Congratulations!' He gets up to hug Frank. 'I'd take you for a drink, but I know you don't do that. So, you want a Coke?'

Frank laughs. 'You're fine. I appreciate it.'

'Are you sure you don't want the day off to go with him?'

'I'm sure – we need to finish this.' They get back to work, and now the mood is different.

In a matter of hours when Chad, from the label goes to check how they're doing, James tells him about Frank getting engaged. 'We should celebrate!' Chad says. 

'Don't worry,' Frank tells him. He doesn't want to mention he's a recovering alcoholic, and he still wants to keep his life private, so he's not that excited about the idea. 'I appreciate it, though.'

'I'm not taking no for an answer, Frankie.' He hates when people other than his mom and Gerard calls him that, but he takes a deep breath or he'll punch him. 'See you at nine. I'll send you the address.' 

Welp.

***

'Frank, is going to be okay,' Gerard assures him as they get off the car and Frank gives the keys to the valet. 'You can just get water. I'll get water, too, if that makes you feel more comfortable.'

Frank is nervous. 'It's not just that.' They walk in and Frank tells the host he's with Chad, so they follow her to the back of the fancy restaurant. Frank looks for Gerard's hand, locking their fingers together. 'It's just –'

But he doesn't need to finish his sentence. When they make it to Chad's table, it's obvious by his reaction what Frank meant. He wasn't expecting Frank to be engaged to a man. 

And they both know it shouldn't be a big deal. Chad and his wife just thought Frank was straight. But Gerard knows he's still struggling with being out. One thing is being out back home to their loved ones, another is being out in the business. And he knows that caused the depression that led him to his addiction. 

He squeezes Frank's hand for support. 'Hey, there,' Frank says in a nervous tone. 'So – this is my fiancé, Gerard.'

'Hi,' Gerard says, waving his hand. 

'Nice to meet you!' Chad tells him and shakes his hand. James hugs them both, congratulating them. The rest of the night goes smoothly, and they talk about the album and Gerard's day at The Grove. Macey, Chad's wife, asks them how they met, and Frank tells them, blushing the entire time. 

He's happy and though he was scared at first at how they would react, he feels accepted, and that makes everything better. 

Chad gives Frank a break for the rest of the week so he spends it with Gerard, giving James time to keep working on his ideas. Frank insists he doesn't need to, but Chad tells him one more time that he won't take no for an answer.

***

So the next day, Frank and Gerard go to the beach for a picnic, making out in front of everyone. They go to the Griffith observatory, and drive down Sunset Boulevard. Frank takes him to different locations of famous films, and they watch movies in a cemetery. Frank will never admit it, but he wouldn't mind living in LA if Gerard is with him. 

'I don't want you to go,' Frank says. They're lying on a towel in the middle of the beach, watching the sunset. 

'I don't want to go either.' He kisses his fiancé. 'But someone has to take care of Lois and the cats. And I have to meet with my editor. But you'll be home soon.'

'Can I come with you?'

'I would love nothing more, but you're an important producer now, and it'll be worth it, okay?'

'Okaaaay...' Frank mumbles. 

The next morning, Frank drops him off at the airport, not wanting to let go. 'I'll be home soon, okay?'

'I can't wait.' They kiss one last time before Gerard heads to his gate. 

Frank leaves for the studio, and James is already waiting for him in the booth. 'Look who's here!' he says. 'I thought you weren't coming.'

'Got stuck in traffic.'

'Okay. I got a proposal, man.' Frank gave him a confused look. Wasn't this already crazy enough? Now what? 'What do you think about singing for Death Spells?'

Frank is surprised by the question, but he can't deny he's tempted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading <3  
> I hope you're liking where this is going... I'll post updates about fics on my twitter (@lunitainthesky) in case you're interested


	17. SEVENTEEN

Frank isn’t sure he took the right decision.

He’s now the lead singer of Death Spells.

He’s in a band again, and he’s singing again.

It’s been about four years since his last band broke up. It seems like a whole eternity, though. His life changed drastically, and he almost forgot what it felt how good it feels to sing his heart out.

He forgot how music was a big part of his life, of himself. He doesn’t know how he survived without it, without writing lyrics and thinking about chord progressions. He knows this is James’ project, but he’s too invested by now.

‘Did you even sleep?’ James asks him when he sees him coming in the room, noticing his friend’s half opened eyes, and how he didn’t even shave.

‘Not really. I was writing.’

‘He’s back!’

Frank tries to hide his grin, walking in the studio and setting up the equipment. ‘Should we start?’

They haven’t recorded any instruments yet, just James backing tracks and whatever effects he added. So Frank grabs a guitar and plays the progression he wrote the night before over it.

It feels so natural, like the guitar is a part of him. His fingers move by themselves by now, and he hates himself for not doing it all this time. For giving up his dreams for his stupid addiction. He was so happy.

They try to finish one song on guitar and drums, but something just doesn’t work, and Frank goes straight to do vocals over the track. For some reason, he likes it that way and they work on it for the rest of the day, adding more effects on post-production, until it sounds exactly how they like it.

‘Let’s continue tomorrow,’ Frank announces in an excited voice. ‘I need to go write.’

‘You stayed up for just one song?’

‘No, I have a couple more, but with new development, I need to change some things.’

***

Back at home, he spends the rest of the afternoon writing songs, changing up the lyrics of the ones he wrote last night, and even works on a new one.

When Gerard calls him later, he’s almost jumping in excitement. ‘I love seeing this version of you,’ Gerard tells him. ‘You needed this.’

‘I did.’ Frank can’t stop smiling. ‘I wish you were here,’ he says. ‘We could be celebrating.’

‘I wish I was there with you.’

They have dinner together while Frank shows him the new songs he wrote.

_Paranoid, so paranoid, shut it out, I'm on self-destruct  
I can't deal with the pains in my head  
Medicate the suffocation with bullshit arrogance  
I'm in love with a suicide  
In too deep is just a state of mind  
Self-sedation is my fucking 9 to 5  
With a death obsession working overtime  
I can't get clean, some scars won't leave, I won't come clean_

‘Frank!’ Gerard says when he finishes reading the email he sent. ‘Who hurt you?!’

‘You don’t wanna know,’ he says, laughing.

‘I thought you were happy!’

‘I am! I am happier than ever!’

‘Then why don’t you write about that?’

‘You just want me to write you a song.’

‘I kinda do.’

‘I am working on something, but I can’t show you yet.’

To end on a good note, Gerard tells him to get his toy, and they had skype sex like any normal couple in a long distance relationship.

***

‘And – we’re done!’ Frank says when they last vocal track is done, only a week after they started. ‘I mean, we still have to work on the tracks and all, but at least we’re done recording.’

‘Well, then my work here is done,’ James tells him. ‘This is your job, buddy.’

‘Hell, no. You’re helping me.’

Frank is too excited to go home, so he wants to end as fast as possible, and go home to his man. But James reminds him that now that he’s practically in the band, he has to start thinking about an upcoming tour, which the label is already organizing, plus promotion, filming videos and all that fun stuff.

‘Don’t make me regret it,’ Frank warns him.

‘Just saying. You’re going to have to get used to it again. I know you miss Gerard, but you knew it was going to be like that when you accepted to be in the band.’

‘I know.’

Two days later, they’re halfway through with the pre-production, but Frank is starting to get anxious. Between the talk he had with James about touring and everything that this new adventure meant for him, and the meaning that was coming on Monday, about the plans for the band, his head is about to explode. He talked to Gerard early in the morning to help him, but a couple hours later, he’s having another anxiety attack.

‘C’mon, Frankie,’ James tells him. ‘It’s the weekend, and you need to relax.’

Frank knows what relax means for James, and he does not need that. ‘I’m fine, I just need a break.’

‘That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s just go chill at my place. I have some medicinal marihuana, you still do that, right?’ Frank nodded. ‘Great. You need it.’

He still lived in the same apartment they lived together back then, and it hadn’t changed much. He has a new roommate, an Australian guy who wanted to be an actor, and he was rarely home because he had three jobs. But there are other people there. Whether they’re James’ friends or his roommate’s, he doesn’t know, but they’re clearly on something, and Frank is starting to get nervous.

James rolls a joint for him, and he feels better almost immediately.

‘Better, huh?’ Frank nods.

James tells him more of his crazy ideas, which sound funny now, but at least he’s not scared of what’s coming.

At some point, one of the girls flirts with him and he quickly tells her he’s engaged.

Then another guy offers him a beer, and before James stops him, Frank takes it, without even thinking about it. ‘Frank –’

But he’s doing great, he’s stronger now, he has Gerard. It won’t happen again. So he cracks it open, and chugs the whole thing.

It won’t happen again, he tells himself.

He can stop himself before it gets bad.


	18. EIGHTEEN

Frank knows he shouldn't have had that beer.

He knows it. 

He knows now he fucked up. He knows what's coming. He knew it the minute he took the job. He's not strong enough.

He tries to distract himself with work, finishes the album over the weekend, and sleeps all night. He avoids everyone, especially James, even though he knows it wasn't his fault. 

He just wants this to be over and go home. 

At the meeting, he's just somewhere else. He hears them talking, plans about an upcoming tour, the release of the album, and a single. They all chose Fantastic Bastards as the first single, and Frank agreed, but he wasn't really there. 

He knows his body is asking for more, so he ignores it. 

He writes another song for Gerard instead, to keep his hands and mind busy, but soon he's crying and having another anxiety attack. 

It cannot happen again.

***

Frank had been in bands since he could remember, right around the time he started smoking and drinking. Nothing crazy, every teenager was doing it too.

He would sneak out with his friends after school to play guitar and smoke week, or drink.

Then, he went to college and it just seemed so easy. There was always booze and pills around. And girls. And guys who were up to experiment when they were too drunk. 

Every weekend Frank and his friends would play at cheap venues and someone's party and get drunk and high. 

Then the band made it, they were on Warped Tour, and recording an album. And alcohol just made everything easier. He didn't have to think about any of it.

He met Jamia and fell in love instantly, and she seemed to be the only one who put up with him. For a while, at least. 

Until the rumors started about him and the drummer, or that guy at that party. 

And Frank did the only thing he knew how to do, drink more and screw it up. 

He tried to fix things with Jamia, and get sober when he found out she was pregnant, but then she had an abortion and told him she would never have kids with him.

That only destroyed him even more. 

He didn't care about anything else anymore.

The band was done.

He was done.

They found him in his hotel room, shaking and in a pool of his own vomit. 

***

He's home.

He's finally home. He didn't even tell Gerard, he just took the next flight home, knowing that Lois and his fiancé would make everything better.

Frank knows that now that he'll be with Gerard, his anxiety won't act up and there will be no need for alcohol. He's made it four days already, he just has to make it home. 

When he opens the door, there's no trace of Gerard, or Lois, which seems strange. 'Gee, I'm home! Surprise!' he yells, but nothing.

He keeps looking around and finds them outside, by the pool. Gerard looks up from his book when the door opens, and immediately runs to Frank, who's already sobbing. 'Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?'

'It was a last minute decision,' Frank says. 'I missed you and couldn't wait another couple days.'

'I missed you too.' Gerard kisses him, cupping his face with his hands and pulling him closer. Frank just prays he doesn't notice the bags under his eyes, or his hands shaking. 'Is everything okay? Why are you crying?'

'I just missed you, okay?'

They spend the rest of the day cuddling together on the couch, watching movies, with Lois next to him, until he falls asleep. Gerard thinks that might be what he needed, except the next day he's moody, and he finds him crying outside while he smokes. 'I'm good,' Frank assures him.

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah – it's just the anxiety. Recording and all the memories, and being away from you. And I'm supposed to leave for a mini tour next month, and I'm just – too anxious.'

'That's fine, baby,' Gerard says, wrapping his arms around him, and letting him cry. He's had anxiety attacks before, Gerard too. He knows what helps. But it's never been like this. 'I'm here, okay?'

'Okay,' Frank replies between sobs. 

And he tries his best. He goes back to work, even though he doesn't necessarily need the money, but he needs the distraction. He goes back to his schedule of taking Lois for a walk and taking a shower and spending time with Gerard before going to work. Gerard always waits for him and gives him a massage or a blowjob to help him relax. 

But his brain won't stop. 

He just needs it.

So after work, he stops at the liquor store to buy a beer. Just one, he says to himself and drinks it all before getting back in the car. 

He doesn't think about what he's doing, and getting caught, or how it has control over him again. When he gets home, Gerard calls him, but he goes straight to bed, and cries himself to sleep. 

It only takes a couple more days for him to come home drunk, stinking of booze. 

'Are you serious, Frank?' he hears Gerard's voice coming from the living room as soon as he gets home. 'Tell me I'm wrong.'

But Frank can't tell him. How can he? He can't even stand up straight, and his eyes are only half open. And the smell. 'I'm so sorry,' he sobs, breaking down in front of him. 'I'm so, so sorry.' His fiancée kneels down in front of him, wiping off his tears, but not sure what to do. He knows he should be mad, but he also knows Frank is sick, and he needs help. 'I ruined everything, I know.' 

Gerard comforts him, kissing the side of his head and whispering I love you's in his ear. 'No, you didn't. And I'll be here, right next to you.' He knows the last time he needed someone by his side to take care of him. 

'No – I don't want you to,' Frank says as he pulls apart, almost pushing Gerard away. 'I've hurt enough people. I don't want to hurt you.'

'But –'

'You don't understand! You're better without me! I'll only end up disappointing you!' 

'Frank, you don’t disappoint me!' Gerard is crying by now.

'But I will! Just give up on me now before it gets worse!' Frank tries to fight it, but Gerard manages to hold him tight in a hug, and Frank sobs harder. 

Gerard wants to tell him that maybe it's not a good idea to go on tour right now, but he's afraid of how he'll take it. 'We can work this out, okay?' he tells him and Frank just nods.

A week later, Frank is packing. 'Are you sure?' Gerard asks for the thousandth time.

'I'll be fine.' 

He leaves the following morning, before Gerard wakes up, and takes an Uber to the airport.


	19. NINETEEN

It’s been a week since the tour started.

They’re somewhere in Florida, Frank doesn’t know where. He just knows he has to perform in fifteen minutes and that his vision is blurry, and he’s maybe a little drunk.

‘You okay, Frankie?’ James asks, and Frank just nods, and takes another beer. ‘You shouldn’t –‘

‘Shut the fuck up.’ And then they’re walking on stage, the lights go off and the screen behind them lights up, showing lots of abstract images and bits of random videos. James starts the backing track, and just as the lights go on, Frank starts singing.

_We're never good enough  
Except when you've had too much to drink  
To think, to care  
  
These broken bones go nice  
With that light you hate to see me in  
'Cause it seems I'm a mess when you touch  
(don't fucking touch me)_

Only a few people react to them immediately, since they don’t know what this is, or what the heck they’re witnessing. Only a few recognize Frank from one of his other bands. But after the second song, they all start to dance, and Frank’s face lights up.

It works better than the alcohol.

Though the alcohol helps him to sing and be somewhat energetic onstage.

He sings his heart out, unable to think of anything else other than the words he’s singing and the crowd in front of him singing his songs.

By the end of his set, he’s all sweaty and tired and he just wants to get rid of the adrenaline. Ever since the first day of tour, he found out who was the crew dealer, and he went to get something from him. A week later, he realizes, weed isn’t enough to be numb and he starts doing coke. His body remembers what it feels like, all his senses are stronger, but his brain is somewhere else.

He knows he should call Gerard, but he can’t do it like that.

He knows he’ll be disappointed if he finds out. Even though he knew it would happen.

It would be better for everyone if he forgets about Frank. He doesn’t deserve someone like him. Frank is just a bomb waiting to go off at any second.

It’ll be better for everyone. No one will miss him.

He’s too fucking high to know what is happening, but he notices a bunch of people getting on the bus. He’s not sure who they are, or who invited them. He recognizes one of the guys from the other bands on the tour.

They have pills, and they’re passing them around, so Frank takes one.

And then he spots him. Cortez.

They used to sleep around back before Frank got clean. He worked as guitar tech with his band, and he was younger, but he was a nice kid. He looks more grown up now.

‘I see you’re still fucked up,’ he tells Frank as he approaches him.

‘You’re still a smart kid.’ Frank offers him coke, and he does a line, before pushing himself to Frank, pressing their lips together, as if it was the most natural thing in the world and they never parted ways.

Frank knows it’s just the drugs. He’s not really thinking.

He knows it’s wrong and Gerard would be so disappointed in him and most likely the engagement is off, but it doesn’t matter. He kisses him back, ignoring what his brain is telling him. He just needs a body to get it off, to distract himself from everything. It’ll be quick.

He pulls him to the back room, and closes the sliding door behind him.

They’re too intoxicated, and all their movements are rough, all limbs, crashing against each other, almost falling. But he’s warm and he knows what to do to make Frank feel good, even if just for a while.

He knows it’s not the solution, but he feels a little better afterwards.

Maybe this is how it should be.

He’s not made for steady relationships and sobriety.

Cortez is the guitar tech for one of the bands, so he’s there for most of the tour, and him and Frank sneak out to fuck before the show starts and do lines in between sets and then fuck again afterwards.

The morning after is always the worst so he starts doing pills again.

By the end of the tour, he’s puking onstage, and drinking the rest of the day. He tries to call Gerard but hangs up when he answers, and sobs in his bunk for the rest of the night.

They all see him getting worse and worse every day, but no one dares to say anything. James almost calls Gerard, but Frank stops him, throwing his phone to the wall. ‘I don’t want him here,’ he says. ‘I don’t want him to see me like this.’

‘Then, stop it, motherfucker!’

‘You don’t understand! I can’t!’ he yells, and storms out of the room, and then out of the building. A fan stops him for a picture, but he just turns around, with tears in his face, and says, ‘I’m sorry, not right now.’

He gets on the bus, and finds his pill box under his blanket.

He just wants to not think for a minute.

Be numb.

Punish himself for everything he’s done in the past couple months. For that first beer he had. For falling in love with someone so perfect knowing he could hurt him one day.

Gerard doesn’t deserve him.

It would be better if he’s just gone.

With that thought, he takes all of the pills, drowning them with whiskey, and keeps drinking until everything fades to black and he can’t feel anything.

***

Gerard is already in bed, Lois by his side.

He can’t sleep though.

He hasn’t been able to get any sleep in weeks since Frank stopped calling.

He knew it was bad but not that bad. James texts him to tell him how he’s doing, but he knows there’s something he’s not telling him.

He just wishes he could have stopped him.

And then, his phone rings.

It’s James. ‘Gee – fuck, I don’t –’ Is he crying? ‘I’m sorry I woke you up –’

‘You didn’t.’

But James doesn’t even hear that. ‘You need to get your ass to San Antonio.’

No, no, no –

‘Frank had an overdose. They’re taking him to the hospital.’

No –

‘He needs you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the pain... I promise the story isn't over, I care more about these babies than anything, and I wouldn't end it like this. But things happen.
> 
> I hope you have a great day/night, and please let me know what you think :)  
> love ya, xomontse


	20. TWENTY

Gerard could get the first flight to San Antonio, but it’s not until five in the morning, and that’s still a couple of hours away, plus the five hours to get there. He doesn’t know if he can’t do it.

But it’s his only choice.

He takes Lois to the neighbor’s house, and leaves for the airport. He knows he has to tell Linda, but he doesn’t want to worry her, not when he’s a wreck himself. He needs to calm down first.

James keeps sending him updates on him. Frank’s in an induced coma, waiting for his body to recover.

Gerard doesn’t believe in a god anymore, but he still prays Frank wakes up and he gets better.

His world means nothing without Frank.

He’d die if something happens to him.

He’s crying halfway through the flight, and he knows people are looking but he doesn’t care. He sobs, causing a flight attendant to ask him what’s wrong. ‘I’m fine,’ he says. ‘I’m just – having the worst day ever.’

‘It’s okay to cry sometimes,’ the old lady next to him tells him.

And Gerard doesn’t know why, maybe he just needs to let it out, but he tells her. ‘My boyfriend is in the hospital. I’m on my way there, and just hoping he’s okay.’

He’s waiting for her to judge him or say something. But she doesn’t. Instead, she gives him her old red-beaded rosary. ‘Here,’ she says. ‘It’ll bring you strength.’

‘Thank you,’ he says, not sure what to say. It reminds him of his grandma and praying with her.

‘You want me to pray for him?’

‘Please,’ he says, sobbing as she starts saying her prayers.

He didn’t even know when he fell asleep, but he wakes up as they’re arriving, and at least he feels a little rested after so many sleepless nights. And he knows there are more coming.

He grabs the only bag he brought with him and runs out to get a cab to the hospital, clutching the rosary in his hand as a good luck charm.

When he gets to the hospital it’s ten a.m. and it feels like it’s been ages in that plane.

James is waiting for him in the lobby. ‘He’s still unconscious,’ he says first thing. ‘The doctors says he’s stable, and we’re just waiting for him to wake up.’

Gerard starts crying again, and James hugs him. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘I wish I could have stopped him.’

‘It’s not your fault.’

James leads him upstairs to where Frank is, and the nurse asks how is he related to him. ‘I’m the fiancé.’

So they let him in.

But he’s not prepared to see him like that.

Stuck in a bed, tubes coming out of his mouth and nose, and linked to his arms.

Frank doesn’t even look alive except for his chest going up and down, proving he’s at least breathing on his own.

Gerard looks at his fragile body, unable to bear the thought of losing him. ‘C’mon, Frankie,’ he says, crying in his shoulder, holding his hand. ‘Please wake up, I’m here now.’

Hours go by, and he still hasn’t woken up.

Doctors say it can take hours, maybe a couple days. They come and go, check on him, and leave. Gerard stays by him the whole time.

They tell him it’s to let his brain heal and avoid swelling. His vitals are fine. They’re checking on his heart rate and possible damage, as well as his liver, but they’ll have to wait until he’s awake to run some tests.

Gerard falls asleep in the recliner, holding Frank’s hand.

‘I have to call your mom,’ he says to Frank, even though he’s not listening. ‘I don’t want to worry her, so please come back to me.’

It takes a couple of tries until Linda picks up the phone, and when she does, Gerard doesn’t know how to tell her. ‘Something happened,’ he says, on the verge of crying. ‘Frankie relapsed.’ He can hear her crying already, and he hasn’t told her the whole thing. ‘He overdosed, I’m here with him in San Antonio.’ He knows she had the right to get mad at him. ‘I’m sorry I just told you, I just didn’t want you to worry.’

‘Is he okay?’

‘He’s getting there, I think.’ He caresses his hair. ‘I can get you a plane ticket.’

‘You don’t have to do that, honey.’

‘You have to be here for him.’ After a while, she agrees, and tells him she’ll call Frank’s dad. He hadn’t even thought about it. ‘I’ll keep you updated and send you the tickets.’

‘Thank you, honey. I’m glad he has you now.’

‘Me too.’

The doctors send him away for a few minutes, so he goes to the cafeteria. He hasn’t eaten anything all day, though he’s not really hungry. He runs into James, who’s still waiting in the lobby to see Frank, so he asks him to go with him. ‘I don’t want to be alone right now,’ Gerard says.

He only gets a parfait and coffee.

They sit in silence, Gerard trying not to break down, but James knows what he wants to ask. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how bad it really was,’ he says. ‘I didn’t want to worry you, and the tour was almost over.’

Gerard just nods. ‘What happened?’

James hesitates to tell him. He knows he can’t tell him everything. ‘He was doing coke and pills. It went down really fast. Last night I was about to call you, hoping you’d calm him down, and he threw my phone away and got mad, then ran out of the venue just before we were supposed to play.’ He pauses for a second. ‘He’s lucky Cara went out to look for him just then. She found him convulsing in the back of the bus.’

Gerard doesn’t want that mental image.

‘Thanks for calling me,’ he says, tears already falling down his face.

‘Of course. You’re his only hope. The last time he wasn’t so lucky. He didn’t have someone who supported him like this, and she –’

‘I know.’

‘That only made it worse. But I’m glad he found you.’

‘I’m glad too.’

He sits next to Frank again, the beeping of monitors in the background.

He takes his hand, almost lifeless, but he knows Frankie is there. He knows he can hear him. So he talks to him, hoping he can convince him. ‘Hey, baby,’ he starts. ‘I miss you.’ He tells him about Lois, and life back at home. ‘I need you to come back to me, okay? You need to wake up because we need to get married and have lots of babies and more dogs –’ He’s sobbing now, and he wishes Frank was awake cause he’s the only who knows how to make everything better.

Holding his hand, he starts singing that song Frank likes so much. The one they always sing to each other in the car, hoping that helps.

_Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby,_ __  
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby,  
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you, I really do

He falls asleep in the most uncomfortable position, his head on Frank’s shoulder, and wakes up to Frank squeezing his hand.

He sits up right away, and there he is. His eyes are barely open, but he’s definitely awake, looking at him. ‘How long you’ve been up?’

‘Not long,’ he struggles to say. ‘I didn’t want to wake you up.’ His voice is hoarse and weak, and he’s clearly in pain. But he’s alive. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he says, crying.

‘No, don’t cry.’

They don’t say anything for a while, they’re just happy to be together again, and there’s a lot of crying, and Frank throwing up. Gerard gets in bed and cuddles with him, stroking his hair. ‘Can you sing me that Carpenters song, please?’ Frank asks.

‘Yeah.’


	21. TWENTY-ONE

‘How is he?’ James asks when Gerard joins him in the waiting room.

‘The doctors need to check on him,’ he says, though his mind seems to be far away. ‘But at least he woke up.’ There’s a long silence, and Gerard wants to cry, but he knows Frank needs him being strong. So he takes a deep breath, and tries to change the subject. ‘So what’s gonna happen with the tour, and the album?’

‘The rest of the bands played the last show today. But for now I’m guessing it’s the last of Death Spells.’

‘I’m sorry. You were so excited about this project.’

‘But my friend is more important. And I’m sure we’ll figure something out.’

‘Didn’t Frank sign a contract? They’re not – I mean –’

‘I’m sure they’ll understand. Besides since he signed last minute, he was just credited as guest vocalist.’ He pauses. Gerard seems to be somewhere else, which is understandable. ‘He’ll be okay. He’s a strong motherfucker, and he has you this time.’

Gerard nods. He won’t leave him.

And just then, he hears a familiar voice approaching. ‘Gerard?’ It’s Linda. He runs to her and hugs her. ‘How is he?’

‘He’s better. He just woke up, and the doctors are checking on him.’

She nods, taking the information in, but still looks worried. Then she remembers about the man to her right. ‘This is Cheech, Frankie’s dad.’

He’s heard about him, and he wishes he had met him in a different situation, but there’s nothing he can do. ‘Nice to meet you. I’m Gerard, Frank’s fiancé.’

‘Fiancé?’ Linda asked surprised.

 _Shit._ He thought Frank had told them. ‘Yeah – I thought he –’ But there’s no point celebrating when Frank is in there puking his brains out. All he can do is let Linda hug him.

‘He was right,’ she whispers. ‘He knew this would happen. And we didn’t listen.’

‘He’ll be okay.’ Gerard really needs to believe that.

Soon enough, they let them in to see Frank, and Gerard tells his parents to go in. He needs to talk to the doctor. ‘So, how is he?’

‘He’s stable. We need to monitor his heart, and we’ll have the test results tomorrow morning.’ He makes a pause, and turns to Gerard with a serious look on his face. ‘We don’t have a the results yet, but he had an overdose of a variety of opioids mixed with alcohol. He could have died. If they had found him a minute or two later, he could have had a cardiac arrest and that would be the end of it.’ Gerard just nods, unable to hold in the tears anymore. He can’t imagine how different his life would be if it wasn’t for that two- minute difference. ‘The thing is, he does have an history of addiction and mental health problems, and we don’t want to assume anything, but – this could be a suicide attempt.’

Gerard had thought about it. But hearing it, breaks his heart. He nods.

‘He’s going to be on suicide watch, and we could transfer him to a mental facility after that.’

‘Can I talk to him first?’ Gerard asks, already sobbing.

‘Yeah. He still needs to stay here a couple more days. You have time to decide.’

‘Thank you.’ This is going to be harder than he thought.

****

Frank has been sleeping all day, only waking up to throw up, and cry in pain.

Linda won’t leave his side, so Gerard has to get her something to eat, and Cheech follows him to the cafeteria. ‘How long have you been dating?’ he asks as they wait for their coffees.

‘Almost a year.’ He can’t believe how fast time goes by.

‘And you’re already engaged?’

‘When you know, you know.’

That seems to be enough for Cheech. ‘He did tell me about you. He said he had never felt this way before and he wanted to be good enough for you.’

Gerard nods. _Of course he is, more than enough. He’s way out of his league._ ‘Your son is the best thing that happened to me.’

‘Me too. So please don’t break his heart.’

‘I won’t. I promise.’

When they get back to the room, Frank is awake, talking to his mom. Or at least trying. He seems to be in pain. He pats the bed so Gerard sits next to him, and as soon as he does, Frank snuggles up next to him, and starts falling asleep again.

Another day passes and Cheech convinces Linda to use the hotel room Gerard booked for them to get some sleep. ‘He’ll take care of Frankie, okay?’

When they finally leave, Gerard tells Frank they need to talk. He lies in bed next to Frank, stroking his hair, wiping his face. ‘I was talking to the doctor – he said you took a lot of pills?’ Frank nods, knowing where this is going. ‘Was it accidental, or – you tried to kill yourself?’

The silence is enough response.

Followed by Frank wrapping his arms around him, and sobbing in his shoulder. ‘I –,’ he struggle to say between sobs. ‘I slept with someone.’

 _Fuck,_ Gerard thought.

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

But he can’t leave him now. Not like this. He promised him and his parents and James that he wouldn’t leave. He would not be like his ex who left him when he most needed her. No. He’ll stay, because that’s what love means, and that’s what the promise they made means. To be there for each other in moments like these even if your hearts breaks.

He knows Frank wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t under the influence or going through what he was going through.

‘I fucked up,’ Frank continues. ‘I was happy, and I had the life I always dreamed about. I had you. And I fucked it all up.’ Gerard just listens, holding in the tears because he doesn’t want to worry him. ‘Then it was too late, and I knew you’d hate me for what I became, so it seemed easier to disappoint you more. I thought that if I cheated on you, you’d just leave me and forget about me. But I made worse. And I just wanted everything to end.’

‘Shh,’ Gerard tries to comfort him.

‘I’m scared, Gee.

‘You’ll be okay. I’m here, and I’m not leaving, okay?’

‘You promise?’

‘I promise.’ He holds Frank tight against him, stroking his back. ‘Frank, you need to get help.’ He feels his fiancé nod against his shoulder. ‘When we get home, you’re going to rehab. And you’ll get better, and I’ll be there every single step of the way.’

‘You promise.’

‘I promise.


	22. TWENTY-TWO

They're finally on their way home.

Frank sleeps through the entire plane ride, and Gerard can't help feeling sad for him. He knows he's feeling like shit. He just hopes being home for a while can help. Holding the rosary in one hand, and Frank's hand in the other, he prays for the first time in years.

He prays for Frank to get better, for everything to be the way it used to.

Linda and Cheech left the day before, and Gerard noticed Frank look distant after that, almost like he's avoiding him.

But he's not giving up. He knows that's what Frank is expecting. That Gerard gets so disappointed in him, he leaves him. But he won't. He promised to be by his side, and that's what he'll do.

He looks so peaceful asleep, and all Gerard wants is to protect him from everything, fix him and make sure he's okay.

Frank isn't the same cheerful, smiling guy he met. The one who was always making dumb jokes, and looking for ways to be annoying. Gerard misses that.

And he knows it'll take a while to have him again, but he'll do anything for Frank.

Anything.

***

When they make it home, it's quiet as hell.

'Where is she?' Frank asks, looking for Lois.

'With Mikey. I already called him and they're on their way to bring her home.' He hugs him, even though he knows Frank needs his best friend, and that not even him can compare to Lois. 'Let's get you to bed. I'll make you some tea while she gets here.' He tucks him in. Frank is still medicated so it doesn't take him long to doze off. And just then, the doorbell rings.

As soon as he opens the door, Lois runs in, looking for Frank.

She obviously knows something's wrong, and lies next to him in bed, licking his face and trying to help him feel better. 'Come here, baby girl,' Frank says, smiling for the first time in forever, which makes Gerard's heart melt. 'I missed you so much.'

'Thanks for taking care of her,' Gerard says to his brother when he's back in the kitchen.

'Anytime. Rowan loves her.' There's a long silence. 'Is he okay?'

'No. It's worse than I thought.' He starts crying too, but tries to calm down before Frank hears him. 'I knew about his past. I knew it was bad. But not like this. And I know it'll be hard, but I'm not leaving him.'

'I know you won't.' Mikey gets up to comfort his brother.

'He thinks I will, but I need him too. It's not just about him.' He's sobbing now, and Mikey sits there the whole time, listening to his brother.

'When is he supposed to go to rehab?'

'The day after tomorrow. The doctor wanted to transfer him to a rehab center back in San Antonio, but I knew he needed to see Lois first. He needed to be home. Or maybe I wanted him home, I don't know.'

'You're doing the right thing,' his younger brother tells him. 'Your stubbornness and your patience are like magic. He's lucky to have found you. You already saved me, so I should know.' He hugs Gerard again. 'I'll never thank you enough, and I know Frank will thank you one day too.'

When Mikey leaves, Gerard starts cleaning the house, mainly to distract himself from everything, from the silence and all the doubts. And then he starts unpacking Frank's stuff to do the laundry, and finds another box of pills hidden in his clothes.

Shit.

He looks through all the pockets and finds more pills.

He doesn't know if he can do this anymore.

Frank finds him sobbing, sitting in the middle of the living room. 'What's wrong?' he asks, even know he knows the answer to that. He knows it's his fault Gerard is crying. 'Why are you crying?'

Gerard gets up right away and walks up to Frank, wiping off his tears. 'I'm good, don't worry.'

'No, you're not! I know it's because of me. I know I ruined everything.'

He did, he thinks for a second, but he doesn't say it. He hates himself for thinking it. It's not his fault. He's sick, and he needs help. 'You didn't. I just –' He pauses for a second. When the words come out again, his voice is full of pain and anger. 'I can't understand why you tried to kill yourself. I thought we were happy. I thought you were happy with me.'

'I was.' Frank is crying again. 'And that's exactly why. I didn't want to ruin your life anymore. I knew I made everything worse –'

'You really think you'd make my life better if you died?!' Gerard yells at him. He knows it's not the right time to let out his own issues, but he's tired too. 'How do you think I felt when I realized you were drinking again? Or when you left for tour? And when James called me to tell me you OD'd? It hurt, Frank, it really hurt.'

Frank just sobs, wanting to hug Gerard or run away and never come back.

'I needed you too! I thought you'd leave me at the first chance you got! I know I'm so out of your league, and I was scared you'd realize that. And I was scared I'd end up alone again! But I stuck with you no matter what, because I know if you leave me, I'll have no one else. I was depressed too. And before we met, my life sucked, and then you showed up and gave me hope! You're my only hope, Frank, when are you going to get that?!'

Frank gives him a hurt look that stops him. Like he's about to break and crumble in front of him.

'I love you, Frank. I love you so much.'

'No, don't say that. Don't love me.'

'I'll keep saying it. I know you're used to people leaving you when it gets shitty, but I'm not them. I'm not your ex. I'll stay, and we'll get through this, okay?' Frank nods. Gerard just pulls him closer and hugs him real tight, not letting him go, not letting him break. 'I love you, and I thought I'd never felt like this about someone. But you changed that. And I thought loving someone meant being there when they most need you, so that's what I'll do.' Frank is sobbing in his ear. 'It hurts me that you slept with someone else, but I know the Frank I love would never do that, and I know you're still that amazing guy I met, you just need a little help. So I'll help you, okay? Let me help you.'

Frank nods in his shoulder, and they hug for the longest time, letting it all out.

***

Frank spends most of the next day lying on the couch, Lois by his side. Gerard makes him tea, and takes care of him, but gives him some space.

Linda pays them a visit, and stays with them the rest of the afternoon, comforting her son. They don't talk a lot, but Frank feels better just by having her there. He even sleeps with her in the guest room, before she leaves early the next morning for work.

'You want to take Lois for a walk before leaving?' Gerard asks. Frank just nods.

They both take a walk around the neighborhood, Lois on a leash ahead of them. 'It's good to be home,' Frank says, and takes Gerard's hand. He wants his old life back too.

'You'll be back soon.'

Frank nods.

***

The rehab center is pretty much a hospital, near the shore.

The drive there is quiet, but Frank puts on music to fill the silence. Bright Eyes.Their favorite band.

He'll get better.

At least this time there's someone who believes in him enough to make the effort.

He has to get better for Gerard. For both.


	23. TWENTY-THREE

Frank wakes up at 6:30 a.m.

Only when he opens his eyes, he remembers where he is.

Rehab.

A nurse comes in to check his vitals and give him his morning meds. He’s supposed to go to the cafeteria for breakfast, but he doesn’t have the energy or will to get up, so he stays in bed.

He misses Gerard and Lois.

And he can't stop thinking about how stupid he was, and how he ruined everything and he still wishes he had died.

Then he throws up again.

They force him out of his bed, and to a tiny room at the end of the corridor, where he meets his therapist.

‘Good morning, Mr. Iero,’ she says. Dr. Sandra Philis, her name tag says. She’s an older lady, probably around his mom’s age, her gray short hair gives her an air of arrogance and pretentiousness, the kind of doctor who thinks she knows more than she actually does.

Frank hates those. He hates therapists in general, but the phony ones are the worst.

He’s had enough experience with them to know. And they always think they know more than their patients, the ones living with a mental illness. So he just stares at her, ready to play the game. He’ll tell them what they want to hear, and get out of there. ‘Good morning,’ he says, his tone defiant and angry.

‘How is your day going?’

‘It depends.’

‘It depends on what?’

‘On whether we’re talking about how is it going for you, or for me. You see, you medicate me, make me puke my brains out, and pretend you care about my problems, and your job is done. In the meantime, I’m lethargic as fuck, can’t get out of bed, and feeling like shit. My mind is foggy, and I don’t feel like myself.’

Dr. Philis stays quiet for a minute, and Frank knows he’s won this one.

‘Mr. Iero, I want you to understand we’re here to help you get better, and that this is part of your treatment.’

Frank laughs. ‘Oh, I know that. I’ve been here before. Not in this exact place, but with a doctor just like you, who promised me I’d get better, and that everything was going to be okay. And here I am.’

‘Well, you can’t just recover and think you’re cured forever. There are a lot of factors that can lead to a relapse.’ Frank knows that. He’s not dumb. But it’s easier to pretend he is than taking responsibility for his actions.

Frank doesn’t say anything else, and for the rest of the session, Dr. Philis reads his file, and asks some more general questions. ‘It says here you have a history of depression and anxiety, plus two previous ODs.’

‘Living the life!’

She doesn’t seem to find the humor in that, and she tells him they’ll keep going later, on their next session.

Frank goes back to his room, and doesn’t plan on leaving it again.

His roommate is called Jose and he doesn’t shut up. He tells Frank about his daughters. One of them is having a baby, and she told him that if he doesn’t recover, he won’t meet his grandchild.

Frank can’t help thinking about Jamia and the baby he never had.

‘You have kids?’ Jose asks.

Frank shakes his head. He’s not sure about telling a complete stranger about being engaged to a man. He’s not sure about talking to him about anything, for that matter, but Jose doesn’t shut up, so Frank has to listen.

He tells him his life story, about growing up in Puerto Rico and moving to the States, his family, and going to jail and losing everything.

‘Why are you so quiet?’ he asks, and Frank shrugs and gives him a look.

Yet Jose seems worried about him throwing up all night, and he can hear him crying.

Another nurse comes in to check on him before bed time, and gives Frank his night time dose, which helps him falls asleep.

***

The next morning, the symptoms of withdrawal are even worse, and he stays in bed all day.

Dr. Philis considers having the session in his room, but seeing how bad he feels, she leaves it for later.

On the third day, he’s feeling better, though he rather stay in bed. But Jose mentions if he does, they won’t allow him any visitors. So he drags his feet to the cafeteria and sits with Jose, eating a bowl of cheerios and the worst coffee in the world.

He still hasn’t taken off Gerard’s sweatshirt, the one with the holes. It’s too big for him, but it smells like Gerard, and it’s like having him there with him.

He has another session with Dr. Philis, in which he refuses to talk.

They have group therapy later in the day, and he’s quiet, staring in the distance.

As the day ends, the paranoia and nausea get worse, and he just wants it to end.

***

By the next morning, he starts to get used to the routine.

He knows that’s what he needs. He works better having a routine, knowing where to go and when.

After listening to Jose talk and talk during breakfast, they go to group therapy, and he stays in silence, listening to their stories.

‘It’s Frank, right?’ the therapist asks. He looks up, and shrugs. ‘Why don’t you tell us something about you?’

Frank shrugs again. ‘There’s nothing to know about me.’

‘That can’t be true.’

‘Why does it matter?’ Frank doesn’t know why he’s angry, but he can’t help it. ‘Nothing I do will change anything. I’ll be back here at some point. This doesn’t help, your fucking therapy, and your meds, and all you doctors. It’s all bullshit!’ he yells. ‘I got better once. And I had the perfect life. And then I ruined it again!’

He starts sobbing, curling in a ball, and the therapist ends the session to try to comfort Frank. ‘You wanna talk?’ he asks.

Frank shakes his head. ‘I just need to be alone.’ He rests his head on his arms, and after a while he leaves him.

‘It’s alright, you have a right to be angry. It’s understandable.’ Frank looks up. A girl that looks too young to be there is sitting in front of him. She has caramel skin and frizzy hair, and the kindest eyes. ‘I’m Kaya,’ she says. ‘I know it’s hard. I’m angry too.’ He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to be angry anymore. ‘If you want to let it out, go ahead.’

‘I’m fine,’ he says, already calming down.

He leaves for his room, where he stays until a nurse comes to tell him he has a visitor. He almost runs, and finds Gerard waiting for him in the corridor. ‘Gee,’ he whispers, and runs to hug him. ‘I missed you.’

‘I missed you, too.’ He gives him a quick kiss before the staff tells them to keep their PDA to a minimum. ‘How are you?’

‘Not good,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘I still feel like shit.’ He begs Gerard to talk about something else, so he tells him about a new story he's writing, and about Lois and the cats, and Rowan visiting.

‘She misses Uncle Frankie.’

That makes Frank tear up a little. He wants his life back so bad. ‘I miss her too.’

‘The doctor told me you have another week left.’ Frank nods. ‘Can’t wait to have you home.’

‘It’s gonna be a long road, and it won’t be easy.’ He takes his hand in his and kisses it. ‘I won’t blame you if you decide to leave.’

‘I won’t. I promised you I’ll be here with you, and that’s what I’ll do,’ Gerard tells him.

‘Thank you for that.’

‘Only because you look cute in my hoodie.’

‘It’s not yours anymore.’

They kiss again, and then time is up, and Gerard has to go. ‘I’ll be back the day after tomorrow.’

‘I’ll be waiting for you.’

***

‘Is that your –,’ Kaya asks when she finds him reading in the corridor.

‘Boyfriend. Yes.’

‘He’s cute.’ Frank can’t help smiling. He knows that. ‘He cares a lot about you, I could see that.’

‘He does.’ He stays quiet again. He doesn’t know why he’s talking to a teenager, but she seems nice, and it feels good to talk to someone for the first time. ‘But I fucked it all up.’

‘That’s what you meant when you –’

Frank nods. ‘When I met him, it seemed like my life was perfect for once. Everything I ever dreamed was coming true. Then I got back into music, and I started drinking again. I don’t even know why. I just thought I could do it without, you know – but I’m not strong enough.’

‘That’s not true. You’re just human. We fuck up.’

Frank gives her a look. ‘You’re too smart. How old are you?’

‘I’ll be nineteen soon.’

‘Oh to be young!’ Kaya asks him what book he’s reading, and he shows her the Stephen King novel Gerard got him. ‘You wanna read it after I’m done?’

‘No, thanks. Horror is not my thing.’

The next morning she joins him and Jose for breakfast, and Jose is surprised to hear Frank talking and laughing. Kaya mentions she wants to go to college and major in psychology, and Frank tells her that’s what he almost majored in. ‘You never worked as a psychologist or anything?’ she asks.

‘Well, I never finished so that made it hard. And back then, I was more interested in touring with my band.’

‘You had a band?’ Jose asks.

‘Several, actually. But that’s –’ He’s not ready to talk about that yet.

Jose asks Frank if he’s going to eat his breakfast burrito, and he says no, so Jose takes it. Frank seems to feel better. He seems to be opening up more to them, and he learns about them too. Kaya got into drugs because of her boyfriend, and Frank can see some of the signs. She’s too young, he thinks. He wishes he could help somehow.

During his sessions with Dr. Philis, he doesn’t say much, but he cries. A lot. He lets out the anger and the frustration and comes out like a new man.

His parents both visit and they see he’s getting better already, but they don’t want to get too excited. They’ve seen him done that thing where he seems fine, but he’s not.

When Gerard visits again, Frank introduces him to Kaya and Jose, and Gerard notices he seems happier now.

Frank tells Dr. Philis he’s scared, not sure what he’ll do for the rest of his life. ‘I always knew I’d dedicate my life to music. But now it feels like it always brings the worst of me. And I don’t have anything else.’

‘Have you thought about it being the environment and not music itself? Music can be therapeutic, but sometimes the environment, the people around you, don’t help.’ Frank nods. ‘You can play music at home. Use it as an escape.’

He reads a lot, and sits with his new friends to talk about books, and life. It feels good to have people who understand exactly how it feels.

Jose is discharged, but promises Frank to stay in contact and maybe even go to AA together. ‘I have a cousin who’s into music too,’ he says. ‘Maybe you guys can work together.’

Frank just nods but doesn’t say anything.

A day later, Dr. Philis tells him he’s ready to leave too. He’ll have to keep going to AA, but he’s ready to go home.

When he talks to Kaya to say goodbye, he gives her his copy of The Body, and writes down his phone number in the first page. ‘If you ever need someone to talk to, or whatever, don’t hesitate to call me, okay?’ He doesn’t know why, but he feels that helping her is the only way to make things right for all the times others have helped him. The last thing he wants is for her to end up like him.

‘Thank you,’ she says, crying, and hugs him. ‘You’d be a great therapist, you know? Maybe you could finish your major and do it.’

‘I don’t know.’ He laughs. ‘And become the thing I hate the most?’

‘But you can be different. You’ve been on the other side. You actually know how it feels.’

Frank smiles at her. He’s not sure, but he appreciates the thought.

Soon, Gerard is there to pick him up. ‘Ready to go home?’ he asks, wrapping his arms around him.

Frank nods. ‘I’m so tired.’

‘Let’s go home, then.’


	24. TWENTY-FOUR

He hasn’t slept in the last couple days since he’s home again.

As if she knew, Lois sleeps right next to him.

Halfway through the night, Gerard notices and wakes up. ‘Anxiety again?’ Gerard asks

Frank nods. ‘It never leaves.’

‘I’m here.’ His fiancé puts his arms around him, holding him tight and fixing his hair. It hurts so much to see him like this. He doesn’t know how to put his pieces back. ‘What do you want me to do?’

‘Just stay like this.’

‘Okay.’ Gerard leans his head on Frank’s taking deep breaths, and Frank follows them, starting to calm down. ‘Can you tell me a story?’

‘About?’

‘You choose. You’re the writer here.’

‘Okay.’ He pauses to think of something. ‘Once upon a time, a little boy who wanted to his own prince charming. People told him he needed a princess, but the boy wanted a prince to come and take him away like in the fairytales. At some point, he gave up. He thought someone like him would never have his own prince. That he wasn’t attractive or interesting enough. He grew up and settled down with a girl, even though he knew he didn’t like her like that. And even when his dreams came true, and his books got published, he wasn’t happy because he didn’t have a prince to share them with.’ Frank knows where this is going. ‘Then one day, a handsome prince approached his castle, and he was nice to him, and brought him coffee and talked to him. The prince stayed, and they fell in love.’

‘Did they?’

‘Yeah.’ Gerard leans in to kiss him.

‘Was he a handsome prince, then?’

‘The handsomest.’

Frank smiles, probably for the first time since he got back home. ‘We’re gonna get through this, right?’

‘We are.’

***

Frank is taking it slow.

Mostly sitting in the couch watching TV, or playing with Lois. He feels like he needs to do something more, but he really doesn’t have the energy. And then, the anxiety hits again, and he has to sit down.

Gerard takes care of him the whole time, almost forcing him to sit outside with him or go to the park or the grocery store.

Then Friday comes, and he has his first AA meeting since he’s back home. ‘You want to come with me?’ he asks Gerard. ‘I don’t know if I can do it alone.’

‘Absolutely.’

They make it to the same place Frank used to go before he left for LA, a little house next to a catholic church where the meetings are held. Everyone seems surprised to see Frank back. He’s wearing Gerard’s hoodie again, and his hair is getting longer since the last time. He doesn’t have to say it for them to know something happened. 

They sit in the very back, Gerard holding his hand, and listening to the speaker. When she asks if someone wants to come up front, Frank raises his hand and walks to where she is and hugs her.

‘Hi,’ he starts. His hair is covering his face, making it more comfortable to talk. He feels so small and weak. And his voice breaks as soon as he starts. ‘My name is Frank, and I’m an alcoholic.’

‘Hello, Frank,’ everyone says, and that makes him smile.

‘I’ve been two weeks and six days sober.’ He pauses, holding in the tears. ‘I started drinking again when I was in LA, and it got worse and worse. And I – tried to kill myself.’ He starts sobbing, and the lady that was just talking hugs him. ‘I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it, but that man you see back there, he’s my fiancé, and he’s kept me together since.’

‘We’re glad you’re back, Frank,’ the lady says. ‘We’ll be here.’

‘Thank you, Lina. I’m gonna need that.’

When the session is over, he goes to talk to Lina again, who offers him a sponsor, and some brochures for Gerard so he knows how to help. ‘How are you doing, honey?’

‘Not good.’

‘It’ll take time.’

‘I know. I just need to get a job, and start a new routine. I know that will help.’

‘If you need us to help you with a job, just tell us. You’re smart. I know you’ll get something.’

‘I’d appreciate it.’

***

By Sunday, Lina calls him to tell him Mrs. Harris, another lady from the group, told her there’s a job available at the grocery store she works at, and Frank tells her he’ll take it.

‘Frank, we can look for something else if you want,’ Gerard insists. ‘You’re too smart for this kind of job.’

‘I don’t know about that. But right now, I just need to do something, and my brain isn’t really working, so just let me have this, okay? I just want to be normal.’

‘Okay.’

‘Just promise me you won’t settle down.’

‘I won’t. but please give me some time.’

‘I will.’

***

He still can’t sleep at night, but in the past couple days, he takes the leather journal Gerard gave him, and just writes whatever comes to mind. Poems, lyrics to songs he’ll never write. Whatever. He lets out everything.

Every morning he wakes up at six thirty like he used to, and takes Lois for a walk. When he’s back, Gerard has the coffee ready, and they have breakfast.

He goes for the interview at the grocery store, and they give him a job as stocker. It’s a night shift job, but he takes it. They say he can get promoted to cashier soon. He doesn’t really mind.

He starts that same night, and an eighteen year old guy trains him, telling him where everything goes. Frank can’t help laugh at how he was on tour just one month ago, and now he works at a grocery store.

When he comes home at four in the morning, he’s tired enough to fall asleep, and doesn’t wake up until noon. He sits outside to drink his coffee, while Gerard types endlessly on his computer, and Lois asks him to pet her.

He takes a shower, cleans the house, sometimes he makes dinner, and then he’s off again. And he repeats.

He’s already starting to feel better.

At peace, knowing what to do and where to go next. He just has to keep going. One day at a time.


	25. TWENTY-FIVE

‘Good morning, sunshine,’ Gerard says, as he sees Frank coming down the stairs just past noon.

‘Hi,’ is the only thing Frank says, his hair all messy and his eyes barely open. Gerard wraps his arms around him in a hug.

It’s his first day off after he started working, and Gerard plans on spending it together to keep him busy. ‘Let’s make breakfast.’ They choose to make toast with scramble eggs with avocado, and as Gerard cuts the cilantro and tomato, Frank was in charge of the eggs, while listening to music and singing to every song.

Then out of nowhere, Gerard comes from behind and hugs him, kissing his earlobe, causing the younger man to giggle. ‘You’re gonna make me burn the house down,’ he says.

‘I’m not doing anything.’

‘You’re distracting me.’ He turns off the stuff, and moves the pan to another burner, before turning around and grabbing Gerard by the waist, pulling him for a kiss. ‘You wanna dance, huh?’

Gerard nods.

‘Let’s dance, then.’ The song playing isn’t the best to dance to, yet, they spin around, jump and slow dance to it. Then, Gerard’s hands slip under Frank’s shirt, and he loses it. They haven’t been intimate in so long that a simple touch of his hands has him gasping and nuzzling his neck. As his hands go up, Frank kisses him, biting his lower lip and pushing him backwards until they hit the counter.

He kisses his jaw, his neck and collarbone, paying special attention to that bit of skin between his shoulder and his neck. ‘Fuck, I missed you so much,’ he says and keeps kissing him.

‘Frank – the food – it’s gonna get cold.’

‘Fuck the food.’

And they’re off to the couch, taking off their clothes and hands running down each other’s skin. Their bodies cling to each other, sweat sticking to their chest. Frank is a moaning mess under Gerard. He knows how to treat him right, how to make everything better.

He’s warm and shaking from his orgasm, letting his head fall on the cushion, as Gerard lies his head on his tattooed chest. ‘This is better than any drug,’ he says casually, but his fiancé doesn’t like the joke, earning him a slap on the arm. ‘Ouch, what? I’m serious. I could get high off of this feeling.’

‘It’s too soon.’

‘Okay. I get it.’ They stay in that same position for a while, not moving, holding on to each other. ‘I love you.’

***

After eating toast with cold eggs, they take a shower and go buy groceries as well as running some errands.

When they get back in the car, Frank’s phone rings. ‘Hello,’ he answers.

‘Frank?’ the voice on the other side says.

Frank takes a second to recognize the voice. ‘Kaya?’ He hears a little laugh that proves his right. ‘How are you?!’

‘I just got out of rehab.’

‘I’m glad! Where are you staying?’

‘I’m with my older sister.’ There’s a long silence. ‘I was calling you because – I’m supposed to sign for a support group, and I remember you mentioned something once, about AA –’

‘I’m glad you asked for help.’ Frank has a big proud smile on his face that melts Gerard’s heart. ‘You know I’m here for you. And what a coincidence that you called today, because we meet at four. You want me to send you the address, or we could pick you up?’

‘I don’t want to bother you. I’ll meet you there.’

‘Of course.’

‘Thank you,’ she says.

A couple hours later, he’s arriving at the meeting, and finds Kaya serving herself a muffin from the refreshment table. She looks better. Wearing a long flowery dress and her hair in braids. He almost runs to hug her, and she hugs him back. ‘It’s so good to see you.’

‘It’s good to see you too. How you’ve been?’ Frank asked.

‘Better. Trying.’

‘I get you. Me too.’ He tells him about his job as stocker, and she talks about living with her sister. Soon the session starts and Lina welcomes her. Kaya mentions she just got out of rehab and that was where she met Frank, and that she wants to go to college to be a psychologist, like Frank. After the session, Lina talks to both of them, and suggests Frank be her sponsor. Kaya seems excited, but Frank has to fake a smile. ‘You really think I can do this?’ he asks when Kaya leaves. ‘I just got out of rehab too.’

‘She already trusts you. And she mentioned you majored in psychology? Why didn’t you tell me?’ He shrugs, since she doesn’t even let him explain that he never finished it. ‘I have a feeling you can do this.’

‘Thanks,’ he says but he’s not that sure.

At home, he sits and watches TV with Gerard, and then they eat dinner outside. He mentions the sponsor thing to him, and Gerard seems happy that he’s making enough progress to be considered a sponsor.

Gerard takes the plates to the sink and says he has to make some calls to his editor and the insurance, so Frank goes to the studio, not knowing what to do in the meantime.

The house is empty and his mind is loud, and there’s a lonely guitar right in front of him screaming his name. He’s terrified though. Terrified of it ruining his life again, despite his love for music.

But it pulls him like a magnet, and his fingers brush the neck and the strings, and maybe like his doctor told him when he was in rehab. He doesn’t have to make music for anyone else. But he knows if he doesn’t write a song soon he’s going to explode.

He sits with it, and starts tuning it, already feeling the vibrations and the familiar sounds.

He has no idea what to create, he just plays with chords and riffs, and it feels so natural, and out of nowhere he has a progression. Then the lyrics come.

He lets it all out.

As if he’s talking to Gerard, telling him not to worry about him.

_I’m not sure what they say –_


	26. TWENTY-SIX

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

The alarm goes off and Frank struggles to open his eyes.

And there she is, Lois, waiting for him patiently. ‘Aren’t you the sweetest motherfucker?’ he says, petting her, and gets up.

It’s already that time of the year when it’s starting to get cold. Maybe a little too cold, in Frank’s opinion. So he puts on a hoodie and gets Lois’ leash. He figures Gerard must be in his office, but at least he brewed some coffee.

‘C’mon, girlie,’ Frank says, and takes the dog outside. They go down the road, and around the block. He walks by his old apartment building, and they’re back home. But Frank doesn’t go in yet. He sits in the porch steps, Lois next to him as always, as he takes out a cigarette from his pocket, and lights it.

He’s been smoking more lately, and he knows that’s not the healthiest way to deal with being sober, but he can’t help it.

When he finishes it, they go back inside. He serves himself a cup of coffee and goes to Gerard’s office. ‘Hey there,’ he says when he finds his boyfriend sitting in front of the computer, complete focused on whatever he’s doing. Frank wraps his arms around his neck from behind, planting a kiss on his head.

‘Good morning,’ Gerard tells him, his eyes still glued to the screen, typing fast. ‘You were smoking? This early?’

‘I know! But it helps with the urges, okay?’

‘I just don’t like you smoking this much.’ He turns to Frank, and looks up at him. His hair is growing longer, and he’s smiling at Gerard with tired eyes. He’s perfect. But Gerard can also see the damage it had left. The bags under his eyes, the sadness that’s still there hiding behind his smile. The mood changes. The gain weight that he hides by wearing Gerard’s hoodie all day. The anxiety. He wants to tell him that it’s okay, that he can tell him if there’s something wrong. ‘Are you okay?’ Gerard asks.

Frank just nods and leans closer, losing himself in Gerard’s arms. ‘I’m trying.’

‘You’re doing good. But you know I’m here if you need to talk, okay?’

‘Okay.’

There’s a brief pause and then Gerard kisses him and asks, ‘Am I crazy or you were playing guitar last night?’

Frank can’t help smiling. ‘I was just bored, nothing important.’

‘I just like that you’re doing it again.’

Frank doesn’t know what to say, because he likes that too, but he doesn’t want to get too excited, so he just kisses him.

After lunch, they sit outside. Gerard is still editing, sitting by the pool. Frank is bored so he offers to braid his hair, and Gerard lets him.

‘Gee,’ Frank says, hugging him from behind. ‘Thanks for everything.’

He leaves for work before eight p.m.

He hates the stupid green vest he has to wear, and not being able to go to bed with Gerard and watch movies and make out before falling asleep. Though sometimes when he comes home at three in the morning, he’s still awake.

Frank hates the monotony of the job. Doing the same thing over and over for hours, every day. Unpacking stuff from boxes and put them in shelves. But it’s the way his brain works, too. And he hates that.

He hates that his brain reminds him that he can relapse at any minute. That temptation is there, just a few aisles away from where he’s stocking canned food. It’s everywhere. He can just buy a bottle at any moment, and do it again.

But he won’t.

He still has a few more boxes of corn left, and then come the peas. And more boxes.

Halfway through it, he’s so bored he needs a way to distract himself from everything, so he starts humming the song he was working on the night before, trying different lyrics here and there. _Don’t hang up, ‘cause I don’t have anyone left here –_

‘You have a good singing voice,’ Tyler, his coworker says, catching him off guard. Frank had no idea he was there.

‘Thanks,’ he says, a little embarrassed.

‘I didn’t know you could sing.’

‘Well – meh.’

Tyler passes him another box of peas. ‘What song is that? I’d never heard it.’

‘Uh – it’s mine.’ He doesn’t like bragging about music. He always feels nobody gives a shit or they start asking about his career, and that’s the last thing he wants. He’s at least grateful Tyler is too young to have ever heard about his bands. ‘I’m still writing it, though.’

‘You write songs?’ the red-haired teenager says excited. ‘Cool!’

And that’s it. Tyler goes back to his side of the aisle, and Frank keeps humming his song.

He still has an hour or two left of his shift, and another set of boxes to work on. On the liquor aisle.

He stands there for the longest time, taking a deep breath.

He’s so close.

He just has to unbox them and put them in the fridge. That easy.

And yet, he can’t.

‘It’s everything okay?’ Annie, his manager, asks when he finds him there.

He turns to her and nods. ‘I just – I need to go to the restroom.’ He walks away, past the employee room and straight to the restroom. He washes his face, hating himself for even considering taking one of the bottles. Perhaps Gerard was right, and he needs a different job. At least one where there’s no alcohol. The mall? The bookstore? An office job?

He takes a minute to breathe and then goes back out. He’s gonna have to either just do his job or explain Annie why he can’t do it. He doesn’t know which one is easier.

She’s still there when he gets back, clearly waiting for an explanation. ‘Are you okay?’ she asks.

‘I’m an alcoholic,’ he says, and her expression turns into one of understanding. ‘Recovering. I’d been out of rehab just a couple weeks before I started working here.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’m sorry – I can’t do this.’

‘It’s fine. We can make someone else do it. I won’t give you this aisle. Unless you mean the job.’

‘Oh – no. That’s fine. I appreciate that.’

He still looks like he’s about to cry, and Annie can’t help patting his shoulder. ‘Maybe you can go home for the day.’

‘Thanks.’

When he makes it home, he finds Gerard’s still awake, and surprised to see him home earlier. ‘Is everything okay?’

Frank nods. ‘We just finished earlier.’

Gerard knows he’s not telling him the whole truth but he doesn’t push it. ‘Let’s go to bed, c’mon.’ He pulls him upstairs, stopping halfway to kiss. ‘I’m going to fuck you to sleep.’

‘That sounds fun.’

The following morning, Frank repeats his routine.

After breakfast, he checks on Kaya. ‘I’m fine,’ she says. ‘My sister is planning a family vacation already, so we’re going to Florida.’

‘Nice.’ She tells him she’s fine, mainly babysitting her niece and nephew, and reading a lot. She’s taking the GED, and looking for jobs. ‘I’m happy for you.’

‘And how are you?’

Frank takes a second to respond. He knows she’d understand. But he doesn’t want to worry her. ‘Good, I think.’

He is.

He is with the love of his life, he has the best dog ever, he could have a better job that he actually liked, but he’s okay. He’s writing again, and going to AA, helping Kaya.

‘I’m okay,’ he says to himself, actually believing it this time.


	27. TWENTY-SEVEN

‘Hello,’ Frank says, answering his phone.

‘How are you, kid?’

‘I’m better.’ He’s trying. He really is. It takes all of his energy, and sometimes he doesn’t have any, but he still tries. ‘How are you?’

‘Missing my son. Who I only see when he’s at the hospital.’

‘I know, I’m sorry.’ He throws away the cigarette butt, and continues walking behind Lois. ‘You know what? I have tonight off. You should come for dinner.’

‘He remembers me!’

‘Oh, shut up.’

‘I’ll call your mom. I know she misses you too.’ Sometimes he realized how lucky he is to have parents who still get along even after being divorced for so long. He knows it was all because of him, raising him as an only child and making sure he had the best upbringing, and he’s thankful for that.

‘Fine. See you later then.’

He hurries up home, where Gerard is brewing more coffee when he comes in. ‘Hey, babe.’

‘Hey,’ Frank says, approaching him for a kiss. His hands are still cold from being outside, and he doesn’t take off the beanie. ‘So – my dad called, and – they’re coming over.’

‘Your parents?’

‘Yup.’

‘But why?’

‘I kinda invited them?’

‘Then we should clean the house before they show up.’ Luckily for Gerard, Frank is a clean freak, so he goes through everything, dusting, sweeping and mopping. Vacuuming and moving things around.

In the meantime, Gerard makes dinner. A mushroom lasagna and zucchini soup.

They take a shower together, and dress up, just in time for them to show up. ‘Hey!’ Frank says all excited when he opens the door.

It’s been two months since the last time he saw them, back in Texas. Things have changed since then, for the better.

‘Frankie!’ Linda hugs him the second the door opens, and that feels good. He misses her. ‘You look a lot better.’

‘I am, Ma’.’

His dad hugs him too, and Frank can’t help but cry. He’s almost forty, and yet being with his parents makes him emotional.

Linda and Gerard talk about food, and Frank’s process, while he gives his dad a tour around the house. ‘Wow! Impressive.’

‘Well, it’s pretty much _his_ house. I mean he had it already when we met.’

‘Still, it feel like a home. And I see a lot of you.’

They have dinner, and talk about Lois and the weather. Cheech asks Frank what happened with Death Spells. ‘I was just talking to James and Chad this morning, and they were able to get me off the contract. James can still play the songs with someone else, and they still credit me.’

He knows his dad wants to ask him whether he plans on doing something else related to music, but knows it’s a sensitive subject, and it’s too soon. So Frank is the one who brings it out. ‘I’m writing again.’ The three of them look at him, almost gasping, unsure if they should celebrate or be afraid. ‘It’s just for me. Keeps the monsters away.’

Gerard responds by kissing his forehead.

‘And when were you telling us that you guys were engaged?’ his mom interrupts, causing all o them to laugh.

Frank hopes the plan is still up. A lot of things have changed, and he sometimes feels Gerard deserves better than him, and they haven’t really talked about what happened. Though things are good lately, so yes, things seem to be back to normal. ‘I was planning on – but then – you know, things happened –’

‘It’s okay, baby. But you guys are still getting married, right? I’m getting old and I want to walk my son down the aisle before I can’t walk anymore.’

‘Yes,’ both Frank and Gerard answer, holding hands and sharing a look. That was all Frank needs to know.

***

They’re in the living room, sharing stories about Frank when he was young, embarrassing him as parents should do, when Frank phone rings.

It’s Kaya.

He runs out to the patio to get it. ‘Hey, what’s up?’

She’s crying, which worries Frank. ‘I’m with some friends. They offered me some pills and vodka.’

No, not again, not to her. He would not allow it to happen. ‘You’re okay?’

‘I didn’t take them. I just wanted to let you know I didn’t take them’

‘Good.’ He doesn’t know what else to say. ‘You want to go somewhere else. I can pick you up, and you can have dinner with us.’

Kaya doesn’t respond for a while. ‘Is that okay? I can’t go back inside.’

‘Yeah. Text me the address and wait for me there, okay?’ He excuses himself with his parents and tells them he’ll be back.

The building isn’t that far from Frank and Gerard’s house. It’s an apartment complex in front of the college campus. And Kaya is right outside.

She gets in the car, and starts sobbing when Frank hugs her. ‘I almost took them,’ she says.

‘I know. It’s hard. But we’ll get through it.’

He lets her choose the music, and when they pull outside the house, she’s impressed too. ‘You make big money then.’

He laughs and shakes his head. ‘Not me. It’s Gerard’s house.’ His parents are still there, so he introduces Kaya to everyone. ‘She’s like a little sister,’ he tells them.

Both his parents tell him how proud they are of him, and that they’re happy he’s back on track. ‘Thank you. It means a lot, because I’m really trying,’ he says.

‘And you seem happy,’ Cheech mentions.

‘I am.’

Frank insists Kaya stays in the guest room, and that he’ll take her to school the next morning. ‘Thank you for everything,’ she says, hugging him. ‘You have a nice family.’

Frank nods. ‘You’re welcome anytime.’

And then he goes to bed, where Gerard is already waiting for him. ‘You have a talent, you know?’ he says.

‘Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?’ Frank asks in a flirty tone, attacking his neck and collarbone.

‘Helping others. Understanding them and making them feel better.’

Frank seems disappointed it wasn’t what he thought it was.

‘Didn’t you almost finish your psychology degree?’

‘I dropped out on my last semester.’

‘The last semester?’

‘I was going on tour!’

‘Well, maybe you should finish and do something with it.’

‘But I hate psychologists.’

‘Then why did you want to major in it?’

‘I didn’t want to. I just thought it’d help me understand myself better, but it didn’t cause look where I am.’

‘But you seem happy when you help Kaya.’

He is.

‘Just think about it, okay?’ Gerard says, and kisses him, turning off his night lamp.

‘Okay.’


	28. TWENTY-EIGHT

‘Congratulations to Frank on being two months sober,’ Lina says as everyone claps, and he walks over to the podium.

‘Thank you.’ His voice breaks as he starts to talk, playing with the token in his hand. _Two months sober_. Why does it feel like an eternity? he thought. Lina hugs him and invites him to give a speech in front of everyone. ‘I just – sometimes this doesn’t seem real. Just thinking about where I was two months ago, and how bad it got that I wasn’t planning on getting out of it, that I thought it was easier to give up completely. And it takes one person to believes in you to keep fighting.’ He’s crying now. ‘My fiancé saved me, even when I disappointed him. And the way he believes in me and pushes me to keep going helps a lot. I never thought I’d have someone like that. But it’s up to me to stay sober, and that is fucking hard!’

Lina stands next to him and hugs him. ‘And we’re proud of you for doing it.’

He gets back to his seat, and listens to the rest of their speeches. At the end of the session, Kaya sits with him to tell him her GED test will be the following week, and she already aced the practice test. ‘Hell yeah!’ he says, high fiving her. ‘You got this!’

‘Thanks for helping me, by the way,’ she says. ‘The other day.’

‘Anytime.’

‘I appreciate it.’

‘I mean it! If you need to just take some time off, or if you wanna hang out, just call me. You can come and play with Lois.’

‘You have the most perfect life, you know?’ Frank nods. ‘Hopefully one day I can have that too.’

‘You will.’

They hug, and just then, Lina calls Frank. ‘Can we talk?’ He says goodbye to Kaya, and follows Lina to her office. ‘First of all, let me tell you I’m so proud of you. Two months may seem a short period of time, but it’s a big step. And you know just how hard it is.’

Frank nods. ‘It’s harder than the last time.’

‘But you’re doing great.’

‘I’ve got Gerard. He’s the reason I’m still going.’

‘He seems a great guy.’

That makes Frank smile. ‘He is.’

There’s a moment of silence, before Lina continues. ‘Now, the reason I called you to my office. I know you’ve still recovering yourself, and I understand if you think this is an awful idea. But I’ve been doing this for long enough to know when someone was born to do this. Not many of us are, we simply end up here one way or another. But you –’

Frank laughs. ‘Gerard was just telling me that the other day, you know?’

‘Well – you should trust him.’

‘I do.’ He doesn’t say anything for a while, and seems to think about it.

‘I’m just saying. It seems to come easy to you. I’ve seen the way Kaya looks up at you.’

‘I just care about her too much, and she’s too young to be going through that. I’m trying to help.’

‘I know,’ Lina responds. ‘I’m just saying – I know you’re struggling with finding your path after all of this. But you might have found it.’

He nods. And maybe they’re right. Now that a music career is off limits, and he’s just keeping that grocery store job to have something to do, this might be his new calling. Maybe by helping others like Kaya, he can help himself. ‘Hypothetically – if I was interested in doing it, you know – what do I need?’

‘Well – for one of these groups you need to be sober for at least six months, which I know you can do. I’m doing nothing special, I’m one of you.’ She pauses. ‘But you have a degree –’

‘I didn’t really finish it,’ he interrupts.

‘How far did you get?’

‘Almost did. Dropped out on my last semester.’

‘Why?!’

‘I went on tour. Music was always more important.’ It hurts him to say that now.

‘Okay.’ She goes through tons of brochures on her desk until she finds one and hands it to Frank. ‘Here. Go to community college, finish that degree. We’ll find something for you to do in the meantime.’

He opens the brochure and starts considering it. What if he goes for it? Like Kaya told him, maybe he can make a difference. ‘Fine.’

‘That’s my boy.’ She hugs him, and then he goes home, back to Gerard.

***

Wake up.

Take Lois for a walk.

Sit with Gerard and have coffee.

Play guitar while Gerard writes in the other side of the office.

Read.

Play outside with Lois.

Go for lunch.

Get ready.

Go to work.

Get home.

Go to bed with Gerard and let him take care of him.

Repeat.

Go to AA.

Check on Kaya.

Sleep.

Take meds.

Repeat.

Self-care.

Find something to occupy his mind with instead of thinking about drinking.

Resisting the urge to buy a beer.

Go home and cuddle with Gerard.

Repeat.

Frank’s routine is simple.

He just has to stick to it.

But there are days where he feels there’s no point, when he’s hit a wall. He hates how all his adult life he’s been either under the influence or trying to recover from it. And he’s exhausted.

He just wants a normal life.

Some days, existing just takes too much effort, and he doesn’t have the energy to keep going.

And some days, he gets angry at himself. For drinking that one beer and having to start from scratch. Making it worse.

For sleeping with Cortez and breaking Gerard’s trust.

For being useless.

Some days, he’s angry and sad and frustrated.

Today is one of those days.

He doesn’t want to get up, not even to take Lois for a walk. And she seems to understand because she’s lying next to him, licking his face to comfort him. ‘You’re the sweetest girl, aren’t you?’ he tells her, trying to hold in the tears. ‘We’ll tell your other dad to take you outside, okay?’

Gerard finds them snuggling in bed, and he doesn’t need to ask to know there’s something wrong. ‘I feel left out,’ he says as he joins them. Gerard hugs him from behind. ‘You’re okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Frank lies, knowing that Gerard will know he’s lying but he can’t just tell him.

‘Don’t lie to me, Frank.’

Frank stares at him in silence. ‘Fine. I’m not okay.’ He leans his head on his shoulder. ‘It’s one of those days.’

‘You will be.’

They stay like that for a while, Gerard comforting him until he calms down. ‘I was gonna ask you if you could take Lois outside.’

‘I’ll gladly do it. But what if we go to the park and you come with us?’

‘Do I have to?’

‘It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t want to leave you alone like this.’

‘Okay.’

So he lets his boyfriend help him with a hoodie and drag him outside. They walk hand in hand behind Lois, not saying anything. They sit on their bench, the same bench where they first locked pinkies all that long ago. A few kids come and play with the dog, and Frank’s face lights up.

Gerard suggests they go see Frank’s therapist so she ups his meds, and Frank agrees.

‘Hey –’ he then says out of nowhere. ‘I think I’ll finish my degree.’

And Gerard just hugs him tight and kisses him. ‘I’m proud of you.’

‘Thank you.’

Back home, Frank sleeps through the day. He calls in sick to work, and Gerard takes the day off and takes care of him.

The next morning, or rather afternoon, since Frank wakes up past one, he comes down the stairs, feeling a little better than the day before.

He gets up, brushes his teeth and hears the front door and Gerard calling him.

‘Coming!’

When he gets downstairs, his finds his fiancé by the door, with a dog carrier. ‘Surprise! Happy one year anniversary!’

Frank runs and opens the carrier to let out a puppy. He had completely forgotten about what day it was. ‘Are you for real? A year?’

Gerard nods as Frank takes the puppy in his arms.

‘I love you so much,’ Frank says and then kisses him. ‘You know me so well.’

‘I do. And I love you more.’ He kisses him again. ‘So you have a name for the pup?’

‘Soup.’


	29. TWENTY-NINE

‘So apparently I just need a couple more credits and I can get my degree,’ Frank says, scrolling down the screen on his laptop, looking at the requirements.

‘That’s nothing!’ Gerard says from the kitchen.

‘Yeah, but I still have to wait until January to start the semester.’

‘But we’re almost there.’ He stops what he’s doing and joins Frank on the other side of the counter, wrapping his arms around his waist from behind, reading from the website. ‘You’re really doing this, huh?’

‘Tell me I’m not too old to do it, because I feel too old to do it.’

‘You’re not. You’re not old, and there’s no age limit for college. I remember there was this old guy when I went to art school, he was like seventy, and he had some money saved and nothing else to do, and he went to art school because he wanted to be an artist all his life but his family wanted him to be a lawyer.’

Frank turns to his fiancé and kisses him. ‘Why do you always know what to say?’

‘I’m that cool.’

‘Just don’t let it get to your head.’ He turns back to the screen and keeps scrolling. After filling out a form or two, he’s enrolled in three different classes, and set to start the following semester. ‘Maybe I should have listened to my dad and not drop out.’

‘Maybe. But also things happen for a reason.’ Gerard turns the bar stool so that Frank is looking at him. ‘I’m not saying you had to go through all that, because I wish you didn’t have to. But maybe we wouldn’t be together. And all that wisdom you have now will be more useful.’

‘Have I told you that I’m completely in love with you?’ Frank says, pulling his closer.

‘Are you? I guess my plan worked then.’ Gerard smiles back at him, stroking his hair, and kisses him. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

‘Thank you, that means a lot.’

***

Over the next couple days, things seem to be calm.

Frank takes both dogs for a walk every morning, and comes home to fresh brewed coffee and a boyfriend working in his office. Frank has a lot to catch up with, so he sits by the corner and reads and takes notes. Lois, Soup, Lotion and Susan napping nearby. ‘I don’t know if I can do it,’ he says, frustrated. ‘It’s been too long, and I don’t remember anything.’

‘You’ll do fine.’

‘You have a lot of faith in me.’

‘Always.’ He gets up from his desk and joins Frank. ‘There’s a reason I was an art kid, I don’t understand any of this.’

Frank just laughs. ‘And I love you for that.’ When he feels his brain is about to explode, he puts everything aside, and takes his guitar instead. He just plays, not thinking about it, just letting it out, making up tunes, and he notices Gerard humming a melody. He loves his voice, but doesn’t say it because he knows he’ll get self-conscious, and he just loves how natural it comes to him.

He still doesn’t like his job, but at least it keeps his mind off.

Kaya texts him that she and her family just arrived back from Florida, and that she’ll be there at the next meeting.

Frank is just waking up after a long night at work, serving himself a cup of coffee, when his phone rings. It’s Lina. ‘Hey,’ he greets her.

‘Glad to find you awake, Frank,’ she jokes. ‘I was actually calling to see if you’re free right now.’

‘Yeah, why?’

‘I think I found something for you.’

She sends him an address, and tells him to meet her there in an hour. ‘What is this for again?’ Gerard asks, curious.

‘I have no idea. She just said to meet her.’

So he gets ready and drives to the address, a little intrigued about what she had planned for him. As he pulls up, he has an idea. The sign outside says Belleville Youth Center.

When he walks in, Lina is waiting by the reception. ‘Good to see you!’ she says.

Frank hugs her, and looks around. ‘What is this about?’

‘There’s an opening for therapist here at the youth center. You can help kids like Kaya. But while we wait for you to have your degree, you can start volunteering.’

Frank doesn’t know what to react.

‘We need volunteers and this can be a way for you to know if this is the right path for you.’

Frank never thought he’d be so excited about something like this, but he is. ‘Are you serious? You’re considering me before I even get my diploma?’

‘I trust you, Frank. I told you. And as soon as I found out, I told them you were the right guy for the job.’

‘I won’t even have my degree until next summer –’

‘And if you prove them right, the position will be waiting for you.’

He doesn’t know what else to say, so he just hugs her. ‘Thank you so much for trusting me.’

Lina shows him around the center. They have a kitchen and feed kids in need, feeding them. They have a group home adjacent for teenagers dealing with addiction, and offer therapy and support groups. ‘We have a list of positions where you can help, you can stop by anytime and sign up,’ she says. ‘Any help is appreciated. And I’m sure you’ll soon lead your own support group.’

‘You think so?’ he asks smiling.

‘I’m sure. And I love seeing you smiling again.’

‘It feels good to have a purpose.’ He does his best not to cry.

***

Frank volunteers almost every other day of the first week, working at the kitchen mainly. On the weekend, they need someone to help at the shelter, handing out food and blankets to the residents, and it hurts him to see kids so young and almost lost to drugs.

It only encourages him more to help them more, and do something to help them get better.

And when he comes home, he studies.

He’s so busy, he barely has time to think about anything else, which is good.

‘We need to celebrate,’ Gerard says when he finds him in the living room reading.

‘Oh yeah? What are we celebrating?’

‘Being happy, you going back to college and helping people, me finish another page, Lois not fighting Soup. Life. You and me.’

Frank smiles. ‘I think they’re all valid reasons. And how are we celebrating?’

‘I was thinking, going out to eat?’

And Frank can’t say no to that. It’s rare when Gerard wants to go out, so he has to use the opportunity, so he gets ready. He puts on a nice sweater, and shaves his scruff. He ends up with a mustache, and jokes that he’s keeping it, but Gerard seems to like it, so he leaves it.

They go to a nice restaurant downtown, and hold hands while eating, not caring about what people say. Gerard seems amused that Frank looks so good with the mustache, and he’s sure the ladies at the other table are looking at him. But he’s taking him home for himself.

Frank mentions he’s tired of working overnight, and then going to the youth center, so Gerard insists that he doesn’t need to work. ‘We’ll be fine,’ he says. ‘I know nothing compares to making your own money, but you need to focus on finishing your career. And you kinda have a job afterwards, so I don’t see the point in working at the grocery store.’

‘Is it okay?’

‘More than okay. You seem happy helping these kids, and I love to see that. And that’s more important.’

Back at home, Frank drags Gerard to the bedroom right away, and takes off his clothes. ‘Now fuck me,’ he says, already hard.

‘Your wish is my command.’ And he pins him to the bed, kissing every bit of his inked skin, thrusts inside him until he has him moaning loudly. ‘Fuck, you can keep that mustache forever, by all means.’

Frank laughs, even though he’s in the middle of his orgasm, and comes in Gerard’s hand.

His life can’t be more perfect.

***

He wakes up to the doorbell ringing in the middle of the night, his legs tangled up with Gerard’s.

At first, he thinks it’s a dream, but no, it keeps ringing.

So he puts on some pants and the first shirt he finds, which happens to be Gerard’s and goes downstairs.

It’s one in the morning, who can it be?

‘I’m coming,’ he mumbles as he gets closer, and opens the door.

It’s Kaya. And she’s crying, and –

He can smell the alcohol.

Fuck, no.

‘Hey,’ he says, letting her in, not sure what else to do.

By then, Gerard is up and coming down the stairs.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, sobbing. ‘I didn’t know where else to go, and I know I shouldn’t be here. I’m so sorry, I didn’t think about it.’

Frank tries to ignore the smell, he doesn’t need that right now, and hugs her. ‘It’s okay.’

Gerard gives him a look. ‘Is everything okay?’ he asks, even though it’s obvious.

She shakes her head, but doesn’t say anything for a while. Gerard goes to the kitchen and gets her tea, and Frank is taking deep breaths because he really wants to help her, but he can’t deal with this right now. Then Gerard is back, and sits down on the other end of the couch.

Just then, Kaya speaks up, still sobbing. ‘I’m pregnant.’


	30. THIRTY

‘I’m pregnant.’

Both Frank and Gerard turn to her, shocked. Frank’s stomach hurts thinking how young she is, and going through all of this. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s obviously never been in that situation, but he can’t help thinking about Jamia getting pregnant and having to deal with an addict, and can’t imagine how it must be for Kaya.

‘I –,’ he tries to say, but she cuts him off.

‘I just found out this morning, and I don’t know what to do. And I went to look for Dave –’

‘Your boyfriend?’ Frank asks.

She nods. ‘I couldn’t even tell him. But he begged me to get back together, and he was obviously drunk and –’ She can’t finish her sentence because she starts sobbing. ‘I’m so stupid!’

Frank doesn’t want to hear any of this. He wants to go and beat the guy up for ruining all her hard work. ‘Hey, you’re not stupid!’ He wraps an arm around her, trying not to think about the smell. ‘How far along are you?’

‘I don’t know. Probably around three months.’

Frank nods, rubbing his face in frustration. ‘Look – it’s too late for all of us, and we can’t do anything right now. So let’s go to bed, and we can talk tomorrow, okay?’

She nods.

‘You can stay for as long as you need, but I think you do need to talk to your sister about this, and whatever decision to make.’

‘I know.’ She pauses. ‘Thanks for letting me stay. I didn’t know where else to go.’

‘And you’re always welcome here.’

Gerard looks at him, amazed at how he takes care of the problem, even though it’s obvious he’s freaking out.

‘C’mon,’ Frank says, leading her upstairs, and to the guest room. ‘We obviously don’t have women’s clothes here, but let me give you one of my shirts for you to sleep in. You need anything?’

‘No, I’m good. Thank you.’ And out of nowhere, she throws herself at him, and hugs him. ‘Thanks for helping me.’

‘Of course. We’re gonna get through this.’

***

When Gerard joins him in the bedroom, he finds him crying in bed. ‘Hey, hey – no, don’t cry.’ He doesn’t need to ask to know what’s going on. ‘It’s not your fault, just like it wasn’t my fault that you relapsed. You should know it, it’s not easy if you’re around the wrong people, but you get up and try it again.’

Frank nods. Why does Gerard always know what to say to make it better? How does he do it? ‘But it’s not just that –’

And Gerard knows.

‘I just feel so weak sometimes, and like at any moment I’ll get up and go buy a beer.’

‘I know, but you’re not weak. And I’ll be here to help you if that happens, okay?’

He nods. Gerard hugs him from behind. ‘What are we going to do?’ Frank asks.

‘I don’t know. I think it depends on what she wants to do. So let’s go to sleep, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.’

‘Okay.’

***

Frank couldn’t really sleep, and now he’s getting up to take the dogs out. Kaya isn’t up yet, so he gives her sometime. He needs time alone to think too.

He knows she’s too young to be a mom, especially while recovering from an addiction, and he’s willing to help her with the baby if she needs it, but it’s up to her.

He can take her to the youth center where he works at, but again, it’s up to her to decide whether she wants to be helped or not, so he has to wait. But all of this is driving him crazy, just when he thought he had his shit together, and he’s losing it again, fighting the urge to walk to the liquor store.

In the meantime, Gerard is making breakfast, when Kaya comes down the stairs. ‘Good morning,’ he says. ‘I’d offer you coffee, but I don’t know if you should –’

‘You have milk?’

He nods, and serves her a glass of milk.

They don’t say anything for a while, though the tension is obvious. So Gerard turns off the stove and sits next to her. ‘Look, what Frank said it’s true,’ he says. ‘We’re here for you, and you can stay here as long as you need. I just – I’m worried about him, because he’s just starting to get better, and I don’t –’

‘I understand. And I’m sorry for coming here –’

‘No, don’t apologize. You helped him too, back then in rehab. You were his friend when he most needed it. And thanks to you, he found his new purpose in life. You encouraged him. And I’ll always be grateful for that.’ Now he feels like shit for even mentioning it. ‘I’m just worried, okay? And I don’t know who else to tell.’

‘I know. I’m worried too.’ She wipes off her tears. ‘But it wasn’t me. Back in rehab, he had already given up. He felt he had disappointed you, and that he had ruined everything. And then you visited, and there was hope out of nowhere. He wanted to get better for you.’

That makes Gerard blush.

‘And seeing you guys together,’ she continues. ‘How you’re always there for him, help him get better, it gives me hope too.’

He hugs her, and just then, Frank is back from his walk, smelling like he smoked an entire cigarette pack. That’s his sign to go and hug him. ‘Who’s ready for breakfast?’

They sit in silence for a while, avoiding the big elephant in the room, until Kaya finally says, ‘I don’t want to have an abortion.’

‘Okay,’ Frank says, coming back from wherever his mind was.

‘You want to talk to someone?’ Gerard interrupts. ‘We can drive you to Planned Parenthood –’ She nods.

‘And –,’ Frank starts. ‘I’m working at this youth rehabilitation center. You can stay here, but I’m sure they can help more than me with detox and all that –’ Kaya hugs him. ‘Fine, then. I’ll call them, and we can go after breakfast.’

***

The drive to the clinic is quiet, Kaya in the backseat, while Frank is holding Gerard’s hand.

Fortunately, Kaya is nineteen already, so they don’t need to go in with her, which is good, because Frank is already freaking out.

‘You think she’s okay?’ Frank asks. ‘I don’t want her to relapse again.’

‘She won’t,’ Gerard insists, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb. ‘You’re doing what’s right for her. And for you.’

‘Yeah, but I want her to be okay, and safe. She’s too young –’ Gerard loves that he cares this much about her, but sometimes it’s not good for him either.

‘I know. But they’ll help her at the center. And you’ll be able to see her often to check on her.’

Just then, the doctor who helped Kaya approaches them. ‘You’re Frank Iero and Gerard, right?’ she asks and Frank nods. ‘You’re here with Kaya Hamilton, right?’ He nods. ‘Come with me.’

They follow her to her office, where Kaya is already waiting, and the doctor tells them to take a seat. ‘Well, everything we do is confidential and unless the patient wants to share,’ she says. ‘And she’s already of age, and you’re not related to her. But she wanted you to be here.’

Frank turns to Kaya and puts an arm around her, letting her know that whatever her decision was, he would support her.

The doctor continues. ‘First of all, she’s ten weeks pregnant. Apparently what she thought were symptoms of withdrawal, were symptoms of the pregnancy. She already told me she doesn’t want an abortion, and we already talked about her options.’

Kaya nods. ‘I can’t keep the baby either. I live with my sister, and she already has two kids. And I don’t want to bring them up with a minimum wage salary.’ She pauses and then turns to Frank and Gerard. ‘I’m putting the baby up for adoption. And I would love for you to be the parents.’

Frank gasps, barely audible, and then turns to Gerard, who gives him a look he can’t quiet read. He knows he wants it too, but he also knows it’s too soon.

Before they can say anything, the doctor warns them. ‘She mentioned you as candidates, and obviously, it’s up to you, but the first requirement for adoption through one of our agencies, is for you to be married.’

They look at each other, both of them wanting to say so much, but not knowing where to start.

This could be it, Frank thinks. Their own family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thirty fucking chapters and almost 5k people reading it (counting wattpad)!! Holy shit! Thanks so much!  
> I hope you liked this chapter


	31. THIRTY-ONE

‘Can we at least have some time to think?’ Gerard’s voice comes out of nowhere, bringing Frank back to earth. He’s talking to the lady.

‘Absolutely.’

He then turns to Kara. ‘Thanks for considering us as candidates’.

‘You are the only people I would trust with the baby. I know they’d have a great family.’

Frank is already crying, and can’t even form words. He just holds Gerard’s hand.

Kaya notices and wraps him into a hug. ‘You are going to be the best dad, I’m sure of it,’ she whispers in his ears.

After that, they drive to the youth center, where Lina is already waiting for them, and welcomes Kaya. While she fills out forms and talks to the social worker, Lina calls Frank into an office. ‘I didn’t know what to do.’

‘You did great. That’s what I meant when I said you’re great for this.’

Frank can’t help pacing from side to side, a little too anxious. ‘I don’t know.’

‘I know you care about her, and that’s why all of this is harder for you.’

‘Yeah – last night, when she came to our house –’ He pauses and turns to Lina. ‘Just the smell of alcohol – I was sure I was going to lose it. And I don’t know if I’m strong enough anymore.’

Lina listens. ‘I understand. And you know the first step is to admit you need help.’

Frank nods. ‘I know.’ He finally takes a seat on the chair in front of her. ‘And that’s not all. She’s pregnant.’

‘What now?!’

‘Yep. Almost three months. Since before rehab. And –’ He takes a breath, leaning forward on his seat. ‘She wants me and Gerard to keep the baby.’

Lina is speechless, jaw dropped to the floor.

And Frank can’t hide his smile, almost breaking into tears.

‘And what do you think?’ she asks after a while.

‘I don’t know.’

‘I do know how much you wanted a family since forever, and how that affected your addiction.’ He nods. ‘You want the baby.’

‘Yeah. But it’s not that easy.’ He starts playing with his hands, nervous and on the verge of tears. ‘We have to get married. And between volunteering and then starting school, I don’t know if it’ll be too much to take in.’

‘I know what you mean.’

‘But us being a gay couple, I know our chances to have a family are not that great. And we’re not that young anymore.’ She just nods. ‘I’ve never been so sure in my life about two things, having a family and Gerard.’

Lina smiles at him, noticing how his worries seem to disappear as soon as he talks about Gerard. ‘I’ve seen you two together, and I’ve had the pleasure to talk to him and get to know him a little. And I can honestly say, I’ve never seen something like you two. The way you complete each other and are made for each other.’

That makes Frank blush.

‘And you would make a great father.’

Frank is crying now as he gets up to hug his sponsor.

‘You’ll do fine, Frank,’ she says as he cries on his shoulder.

***

Kaya tells them she called her sister already and she’ll be there soon.

‘You’ll alright now?’ Frank asks.

‘Yeah. Trying.’

‘You will be.’

‘Thank you,’ she says, hugging him.

‘Anytime,’ he says. ‘You know we mean it.’

‘I know.’

‘You can come stay with us anytime.’ They finally pull apart. ‘And we’ll think about it, okay? We just need some time to talk.’

‘I know.’

‘I’ll be here tomorrow, working at the center. And we’ll let you know as soon as we make a decision.’

Kaya doesn’t know what to say and they hug one last time before Frank and Gerard leave.

Back home, neither of them says anything, and there’s a heaviness in the air. All the unspoken words. The tension.

Frank knows Gerard deals with things differently, alienating himself from everything, including Frank. He knows this is a harder decision for him. So he just lets him.

He sits with the pups on the couch, while Gerard makes coffee for both of them, and while he waits for it to brew, he sits with Frank, who starts crying immediately from all the emotions of that day. ‘I know, honey,’ Gerard says. ‘Don’t think that I don’t want this as much as you do. We just need some time, okay? I’m just worried about you.’

‘I know.’

‘You’re getting better, and you have so many good things going on, but that means a lot of changes for you, and I’m just worried it’s a lot for you.’ Frank nods. ‘You’re my first priority.’

Frank isn’t used to that yet. Having someone that cares so much about him, being there. ‘You have no idea how much I need a drink right now,’ he finally says. ‘And I know it’d be so easy to go out there and get it, and just let everything go. But then I see you, and there’s this calm inside me that I can’t fucking understand, and that makes me anxious.’

Gerard doesn’t know what to say. He just holds his fiancé by the waist, and looks at him, and Frank continues. ‘Since the day I met you. My life was so uncertain back then. I didn’t really have a purpose other than taking care of Lois. I didn’t really care about my own life. And now I’m going back to college and found a new purpose. How the fuck do you do that?’

‘I just love you, that’s all I do.’ He leans in to kiss Frank. ‘And you make that so easy.’

‘You don’t have to say yes just to please me, you know? I know having a family wasn’t in your plans, and I like our little family.’

‘But I do want to have a family with you. You made me want those things. Your dreams became my dreams.’

‘You’re getting cheesy as fuck, too.’

‘Also because of you.’

Gerard keeps kissing him, going from his mouth to his jaw then his neck. His hands caressing the sides of his stomach. Trying to make him feel good, taking care of him. Clothes are off a minute later, and Gerard isn’t using his words anymore. His mouth is too busy licking Frank’s tattoos, and taking his member, causing him to moan.

He turns him on his stomach and gives him a back massage, and then starts prepping him.

Frank loves how he always knows how to take care of him. He always knows exactly what he needs. And what he needs right now is Gerard inside him.

‘You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me,’ Gerard whispers as Frank is coming down from his orgasm. ‘And I just want you to know that I’ll do anything for you.’

Frank just nods, unable to mutter any word, and they soon fall asleep in each other’s arms.

***

The next morning, they go on with their lives.

Frank leaves early in the morning for the youth center, while Gerard stays home and writes. Frank gets assigned the food drive, which involves a lot of stocking, just like back at the grocery store. But at least keeps his mind off everything.

He does talk to one of the people at the center and asks about Kaya, and they tell her she’s doing fine, which calms Frank down.

He comes home to his fiancé cooking for him, and his dogs tackling him, and he can’t complain. If this is the life he gets, it’s a fucking great life.

‘I love this housewife phase of yours,’ Frank says, approaching him for a kiss.

‘I just want to spoil you.’

‘I’m the luckiest man on earth.’

Frank plays with the dogs while dinner is ready, and then sets the table.

They have dinner, and Gerard asks how his day was, so Frank tells him.

There’s a brief silence while they’re eating, and out of nowhere Gerard gets up, and goes to his office. When he comes back, he approaches Frank. ‘I was going to wait until we were done with dinner, but fuck it.’ Then he’s on his knees, and takes his hand. ‘I want a family with you. As many kids as possible.’ Out of his pocket, he takes out a black ring and puts it on Frank. ‘I don’t see why we should delay the wedding any longer. Let’s get married and keep the baby.’

Frank just nods and hugs Gerard.

They are going to be dads.


	32. THIRTY-TWO

‘You’re up?’ Gerard asks, noticing his fiancé’s breathing.

‘I can’t sleep.’ He’s breathing in and out, trying to hold in the tears. ‘We’re going to be dads.’ Just saying those words makes him smile.

‘We’re going to be dads.’ He hugs Frank closer as he starts to sob, and just lets him.

‘Sorry I’m crying all the time. It’s just too many feelings. It’s almost as if I’m the one pregnant.’

Gerard laughs. ‘It’s okay. You’ve wanted this all your life.’ He feels Frank nodding on his shoulder. ‘I feel like you were born to be a dad. And it’s a shame life took that away from you once. But maybe this was meant to be.’

‘It was. And being a dad with you is the best thing that could happen to me.’

Gerard leans in to kiss him. ‘But first, we have a wedding to plan.’

***

Frank can’t even hide his smile.

He’s on cloud nine, almost flying through his day. Since the moment he wakes up to take Soup and Lois for a walk, to the moment he goes to sleep. At the center, he volunteers himself to help with the Thanksgiving dinner for the kids. They usually do a small dinner for the residents of the rehab center and their families, but Frank manages to get donations to cook dinner for anyone who doesn’t have anywhere to go.

‘It’s the least I could do to show how grateful I am,’ he tells Lina as they make sure everything is ready for that night.

‘And we’re grateful for you, Frank.’ He waved a hand as if it was nothing. ‘I’m serious. These kids look up to you.’ Some of the kids volunteered to help cook, wanting their families to eat something they prepared, and Frank convinced some of the people from AA to help too, so they have a lot of extra hands helping. ‘Are you staying for dinner?’

‘Just a bit. We’re visiting Gee’s parents.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah. And my parents are going too, so we’re giving them the news.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’m nervous as fuck.’

‘I understand, but please –’

‘I know. And the last thing I want if for Gerard to get worried and change his mind. There is so much pressure, but this is when I have to prove myself and everyone that I can do it.’

‘You can do it. And you know my door is always open for when you want to talk.’

‘Thank you.’

They set up all the boxes and divide all the people in groups to assign a dish to each group. Frank teaches his group to make veggie lasagna.

After a couple hours, he goes home to take a shower and get ready. ‘Look at you, motherfucker,’ he says when he gets out of the shower and sees Gerard wearing one of his nice sweaters. ‘You’re ready to tell everyone you’re gonna be my hubby?’

‘Oh, I’ve been ready for the longest time.’ He kisses him. ‘Are you ready to tell everyone you’ll be my baby daddy?’

‘I’m fucking ready.’

‘So should I start calling you dilf?’

Frank laughs. ‘You can call me whatever you want.’

‘Oh, before I forget!’ Gerard interrupts. ‘I got something for you. It’s like an engagement gift, you could say.’ He leads him to the office, where I big box, almost his size, is standing in the middle of the room. Just by the stamps on the box, Franks knows what it is. ‘I figure, since you started writing again, you might need a new toy.’

Frank almost runs to go open the box, not without kissing his fiancé first. ‘You are seriously the best husband-to-be ever!’

‘I know.’

Gerard helps him to open the box, and then the case, and Frank gets excited when he sees the blue Fender guitar, falling in love with it immediately. ‘Thank you so much, babe,’ he says.

‘It’s the least you deserve.’

They run to the car, already late for dinner at the center. They all seem happy to see Frank, and a lot of kids go and say hi. He introduces them to Gerard. ‘This man right here is my almost husband, Gerard.’

‘He’s cute,’ one of the girls says.

‘I know, right?’

Soon, Kaya makes her way to their table, and Frank can already notice she’s showing. ‘It’s good to see you,’ he says, trying not to cry again. But it’s hard when his baby is right there.

‘It’s good to see you too.’ Another woman, who looks exactly like her but a bit older, and her whole family approaches. ‘This is my sister, Grace. And her husband Jake, and Sammy and Amy.’

‘Nice to meet you, I’m Frank.’

‘Thank you for helping Kaya,’ Grace says.

‘Absolutely.’

‘He and Gerard are the ones who are going to adopt the baby,’ Kaya mentions.

Grace turns to them, not sure what to say. Frank can’t help thinking she’s not okay with it. With _them._ ‘They seem a nice couple.’

‘They are.’

Kaya stays in their table and they talk about how she’s doing at rehab, and that she signed in to almost all of their programs.

But soon, it’s time for them to go, so they say goodbye and they get in their car.

‘I can’t believe I’m just meeting your parents after a whole year of being together,’ Frank mentions.

‘Well, I only met your dad a couple months ago.’

‘True, I guess.’

‘But they’re nice. I’m sure they’ll love you.’

Their house is the same house where Gerard grew up in, and he tells Frank stories about a tree that used to be there but it’s not anymore, and how he and Mikey used to go upstairs with his grandma and listen to her play piano.

When they ring the bell, the door opens immediately, and Gerard’s mom welcomes him with a hug, and then Frank. ‘Hi, honey,’ she says. ‘I can’t believe it took my stupid son a whole year to introduce us to you.’

‘That’s exactly what I said!’

They seem nice, and Frank can see Gerard in them, all his quirks and mannerisms, their taste for the dark. The house is decorated with creepy paintings and dolls. Now he understands why Gerard is who he is, and he loves him even more.

Mikey is watching TV with his dad in the living room, while his girls are playing next to him. When Rowan sees Frank, she runs to him and hugs him. ‘Uncle Frankie!’

They both help Donna in the kitchen, while Donna asks Frank about his life and what does he do, how he met Gerard.

In the meantime, Gerard and Kristin set the table, and just before they sit down, the doorbell rings, and Frank can hear his mom’s loud voice greeting Donna.

Frank and Gerard just share a look, nervous.

Rowan chooses to sit with Uncle Frankie, and while Donald gives his speech, thanking everyone for being there, Frank feels his fiancé’s arm around him. ‘I hope this is the first of many,’ Gerard’s dad says. ‘

When it comes to Gerard’s turn to say something, he clears his throat, and reaches for Frank’s hand to find the courage. ‘First of all, I want to say that I’m thankful for finding the love of my life, and that he’s doing good, and we have each other.’ He pauses. ‘And that’s what we wanted to tell you. We’re getting married.’

‘We knew that,’ Linda says, confused.

‘Next month,’ Gerard continues. ‘Right after Christmas.’

Everyone gasps, surprised.

‘And that’s not all.’

But he lets Frank give them the news. ‘We’ll have a baby. We’re adopting.’


	33. THIRTY-THREE

‘So this is where it all happened?’ Frank asks, laying next to Gerard in his basement bed.

‘If you mean where I spent my childhood reading comic books, yes.’

‘Aww that’s so sweet!’ He looks around the room, and finds the Star Wars action figures on the shelves, and takes one. ‘Well, yeah, you’re right. I forgot how big of a nerd you were.’

‘Still am.’

‘And that’s why I love you.’ Frank leaves the Princess Leia action figure on the shelf and goes back to bed. ‘As long as you don’t call our child Darth Vader.’

‘And what are you going to call them? Danzig?’

Frank laughs hysterically. ‘Okay, you got me. That was the plan. Now I’ll have to find another name. Jersey?’

‘Stop it! I don’t know if you’re serious or not.’

‘I am!’ He plants a kiss on the older man’s face, and pulls him closer. ‘You know what? I’d drag you to the court house tomorrow morning and marry you then, but you deserve the best wedding.’

‘Don’t lie, you want a cheesy wedding, too.’

Frank scrunches his face, denying it. ‘I’m just doing it because of you.’

‘I don’t believe you for one second.’

‘Fine! I do want a big gay wedding!’

‘Me too!’

‘You think we have enough time to plan it?’ Frank asks. ‘We can ask our moms.’

‘I’d like it to be something more personal. Just us,’ Gerard says with a smirk.

‘What do you have in mind?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t want a big wedding, just friends and family. People who have been there along the way.’ He pauses and covers his face with his hands. ‘You’re gonna laugh at me, but I’ve kinda been planning a wedding since I was thirteen.’

‘What?! That’s so sweet!’

‘No! It’s weird, and embarrassing. Back then I didn’t even think I’d ever get married.’

‘And look at you! Future Mr. Iero!’

‘Excuse me?!’ he says, laughing. ‘I thought you were going to get _my_ last name, Mr. Way.’

‘I like how it sounds, to be honest.’

‘Anyway –,’ Gerard continues. ‘I already knew I liked boys, and I knew it was wrong. You know, catholic guilt. But back then, I guess I didn’t think I could pretend to be straight. I thought I just had to hide it and not tell anyone else. So I’d make up stories for my own, stories where it wasn’t wrong, and where I’d find my prince charming and we’d get married and live happily ever after.’ He pauses, and it’s obvious he’s holding in the tears, so Frank reaches for his hand, and pulls him closer, and by then, Gerard is sobbing.

He’s never seen him like this. It’s usually him the one crying. And it hurts him.

‘I just – sometimes I think about it. How that was the beginning of everything. My anxiety, my depression. My many suicide attempts.’

He had never talked about that, and Frank doesn’t know how to take it. So he just holds him closer, because he knows how shitty that is. ‘I’m so sorry, babe.’

‘I’m fine now.’ He leans in to kiss his future husband. ‘You make everything better.’

‘And I promise you, you’ll have the wedding of your dreams.’

***

After breakfast with the family, they go back home, just in time to take the dogs out. Frank stays home instead of going to the center.

Now it’s his turn to take care of Gerard and remind him how much he loves him, and that nothing else matters. Just them and the baby that’s coming.

He drags Gerard to the bathtub and gets in with him, washing his hair, and caressing him. From the back of his neck, to his fingertips. He can feel the bumps of the scars on his arms, and he hates himself for never noticing. Though they seem to have faded, but if you look carefully, they’re there. ‘You are so beautiful,’ he whispers in his ear. He then runs his hand down his legs and his stomach. He loves every bit of him.

‘I wish I had you back in high school. That would have made things easier.’

‘And I wish I was there to help. To show how fucking beautiful you were back then.’

‘I wasn’t.’

‘I saw your pictures back at your folks’ place. That one with the red hair, you were so adorable.’ That makes Gerard blush. ‘But the truth is, I don’t know if it would have worked out. I was already a pothead, and too insecure. I’m sure I would have the biggest crush on you but would never dare to talk to you because you were too cool.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘For someone like me, you seemed so cool! With your red hair and being a comic book nerd.’

‘And you were already playing in bands!’

‘But I was a fat kid!’

‘Me too!’

They step out of the tub, and start putting on their clothes but only get as far as their underwear. Gerard pushes Frank to the wall, and lets his tongue do the talk.

Frank pushes him, not breaking the kiss, and pushes him to their bed, pulling off his own underwear at the same time.

Once on top of Gerard, he goes back to kissing him aggressively, pulling his hair and gasping. Then, he stops, looking at him. ‘I wouldn’t change anything,’ Frank says. ‘Nothing. Not the good things, not the pain and all the shit. It all brought me here. To you.’

Gerard nods. He knows he’s right. They are who they are because of everything that’s happened to them, and that’s why they found each other. That’s what made them the person they fall in love with.

And suddenly, he understands how grateful he is for everything that happened to him. For all those lonely years. Because now he has Frank, and it’s all worth it. ‘I love you,’ he says. And he’s never meant it this much.

He pulls him closer, hungry for his lips and his warmth.

Frank’s touch feels gentle, but it’s already sending him over the edge. By the time Frank pushes inside him, he’s lost it. He’s never felt this loved in his life, and he knows he’s the luckiest person ever.

They come about the same time, whispering I love you’s in each other’s ears, and Frank collapses in his chest, and it’s all so perfect.

***

On Monday, Frank is asked by one of the therapists to help with support group. He’ll just be there, listening, helping with the brochures. But it’s a way he can learn for when he leads his own group.

Most kids are around sixteen, and most of them clearly affected by addiction. It hurts Frank, but he hopes he can make a difference one day.

There’s a new kid. Caleb. He’s black and barely seventeen, and he says his mom kicked him out of the house when she found out he was gay, and that’s when he started doing drugs. ‘I just wish there was a way to know it’s worth to keep fighting,’ he says, and Frank’s heart breaks when he hears that, and wishes he could help but he doesn’t know how. ‘That if I get clean, it’ll be all worth it.’

The therapist, Hank, tells him it will be, that he can make a change one day, and he doesn’t know it yet. ‘It might not seem like there is right now, but one day you’ll look back and you’ll be glad you decided to get better.’

Frank knows the feeling, and he wants to tell Caleb, but he’s not allowed to “give therapy” yet.

One of the girls asks if there’s a sports program because she wants to be involved. Hank tells her that there is, and she can sign in. So more of the kids get excited. And then, Caleb, the new kid, interrupts. ‘What about art projects?’ he asks.

‘Like what kind of art?’

‘Music, writing?’

‘You’re interested in music?’ Frank asks.

Caleb nods. ‘I want to learn to play guitar and write songs.’ That warms Frank’s heart. He remembers being that kid.

‘I think we can start something.’ He turns to Hank, asking for permission, and he just nods.

‘You play an instrument, Mr. Iero?’ the boy asks.

‘A few. And I write songs.’ He thought he would never get to share that with anyone, or use it for good. It seems like a sign.

The session ends, and Hank tells them to write their names on a piece of paper so they can start a music group or a sports team, and they all run to the table by the entrance. Frank is getting his backpack, and making his way out, when Caleb calls him. ‘Hey, Mr. Iero.’

‘You can call me Frank.’

‘Okay, Frank. I just want to say thank you.’ Frank doesn’t ask what for. He knows. He knows he’s giving him a little bit of hope he probably needs more than anything.

‘Of course.’ There’s an awkward moment, and he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe it’s for the best he’s not allowed to give therapy yet. But he can speak from experience. ‘Hey, what you said during support group. It’ll be worth it, okay? When I was a kid, just like you, I was starting to do all kinds of stuff. And it took me a long time, but –’ Caleb gives him a look, not sure where this is going. ‘I’m getting married in a few weeks. He’s the most beautiful man on earth, and we’re starting a family.’

Caleb is already starting to tear up, and Frank gives him a hug.

‘There _is_ hope. And you’ll always have a family here, okay?’

‘Thank you – Frank.’

Before he goes, Frank gets an empty notebook he was carrying on his backpack, and gives it to Caleb. ‘Here. So you can write your songs.’

The kid takes it, and hugs him again, and then he’s off.

Frank goes home, and gets tackled by his dogs, before Gerard meets him by the kitchen counter. And he realizes how lucky he is. He has the perfect life, the one many people dream about. The one Gerard did when he was a kid. The one Caleb deserves. And he’s got it.

He’s the luckiest bastard on earth.

‘Thank you,’ he says to Gerard. ‘For saving me. Every single time.’

Gerard just kisses him, and drags him to the kitchen to show him what he cooked for him.


	34. THIRTY-FOUR

_I’m getting married._

That’s the first thing in Gerard’s mind when he wakes up.

He never thought the day would come, but here he is, barely a week away from the big day.

He looks to his right, where his fiancé is sleeping peacefully, unable to believe how it had happened.

He still remembers the day they met as if it was yesterday.

It was the deadline to send the manuscript to his agent. He didn’t have any sleep the night before in an attempt to meet said deadline, so he was already in a bad mood that morning. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he had showered and the house was a mess.

Mikey had tried to convince him to stay with him and his family for a while, but Gerard told him maybe after he’d finished his last edits. He was okay. Or at least that’s what he wanted them to believe. And he wanted to believe it too.

But his hands were already shaking from the four cups of coffee he had, and he had almost smoked a whole pack of cigarettes.

It had been a while since he was that anxious.

It wasn’t so much that writing, or the deadline was making him anxious.

He didn’t know what it was.

And to make matters worse, Lotion puked in the carpet.

‘Couldn’t you just wait until I was done with this?’ he asked the cat. ‘Just give me ten more minutes, okay?’

Then he heard kids laughing outside, yelling at each other. He didn’t want to be like all those old people, yelling at the kids, but he was tired of them being little assholes outside his house. He knew he was the neighborhood hermit, and that his house was the one all the little kids were afraid to get close to because they were told a mean, old guy lived there and he didn’t like people and he ate kids for fun. He’d heard people whispering about him when he went grocery shopping. That only made his anxiety worse and even harder to go outside his house.

He knew people feared him, even though he’d never been rude or done anything to them, but apparently they were just afraid because he was a writer who spent all day at home and didn’t talk to anybody.

He hated that, but there was really nothing he could do.

He just looked out the window, and then he noticed all the trash all over the lawn.

And he couldn’t help it. He opened his door, and stepped out. ‘Hey!’ Gerard yelled at them.

Then, a dog came out of nowhere, barking at the kids, and the owner right behind. ‘Get the fuck out of here!’ the man yelled, and the kids ran away. But all Gerard could see was the man with the dog. He was short and had tattoos all over. And he came like a fucking angel to save him.

‘You don’t have to do this,’ Gerard told him as the man helped him pick up. Why was he being so nice? No one was nice to him.

They saw him as the monster in that house.

But not him.

He helped him clean the trash, and pet his dog, and he introduced himself. ‘I’m Frank.’

And now that they were closer, he gave him a better look. He was fucking gorgeous.

But there was no way he liked men, let alone that he liked him. He had greasy hair and was wearing a bathrobe. This dude smelled like cologne at seven in the morning! He seemed like someone who had his shit together, and probably a family! ‘I guess I’ll see you around,’ Frank said.

Gerard tried to keep him out of his mind.

He was okay by himself.

Not really, but there was no way someone would put up with his shit. Let alone someone so perfect like him.

Yet, he said hi the next morning.

And the next.

And Gerard didn’t want to seem like he was waiting for him, because that was stupid, and he was in his forties. But he couldn’t help it. It brightened his day. The fact that someone else was nice enough to say hi to him, that someone cared.

Without realizing, it went from waving at each other every morning to having coffee at his porch steps to going to the park to walk Lois.

And now, they’re getting married.

After many months of struggle, Frank’s relapse, helping him recover and start from scratch. And now they’re here.

He’s marrying the love of his life.

***

‘Did you call Hambone and the guys?’ Gerard asks on their way to the grocery store to buy the last of the ingredients for Christmas dinner. They’re supposed to be hosting dinner for both their families, just two days before the wedding.

He still has no idea why they thought it’d be a good idea to do it so close to Christmas.

‘Yeah,’ Frank answers, parking the car. They go through their list twice because Gerard is nervous that he might have forgotten something. This is the first time they have all these people at home, and he wants it to be perfect.

At least they hired someone to be in charge of the catering for the wedding, Frank thinks.

But he’s nervous too.

They planned it for a month, asking favors from friends, their parents. They want it to be perfect.

Frank was in charge of getting the band, so he called his friend Hambone and asked him if he could get the gang together to play at the wedding, and he gladly accepted. His mom was in charge of catering, and Gerard’s mom of getting the fancy china set, as well as the table linens.

Frank called one of his friends who owned a tiny concert venue where they used to play, and it seemed like the perfect place for the reception.

In the meantime, Gerard is in charge of getting someone to officiate the wedding. Since neither of them is religious, he asks Mikey to get ordained online. ‘What?!’ his brother says when Gerard asks him.

‘Please,’ he says. ‘It’s really important to me.’

‘Fine, I guess.’

Christmas day goes well, and Frank starts crying thinking next year they’ll have their baby.

‘I can’t believe it,’ he says the night before the wedding, lying in bed. ‘We’ll be married tomorrow.’

‘Me neither.’ Gerard tries not to cry but it’s impossible. Frank really came into his life and changed it for good.


	35. THIRTY-FIVE

_Raise my arms to the sky for once. I'm gold_

Frank can’t sleep.

The day has come.

He still hasn’t figured out how he was able to find someone as perfect as Gerard, just when he felt like giving up. He found him and saved him.

Gerard made him feel again, but more than anything, he makes him want to be alive.

Even after all the shit he put him through. Even then.

He gives him a purpose, he believes in him in ways nobody else does, and makes him want to get better.

Frank will never be able to thank him for that.

And he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to tell him. Not in the right words anyway. No words would be enough to tell him how much he loves him, how grateful he is for having saved his life many times, for believing in him.

But he knows that if he tries, he’ll choke or start sobbing.

So he does it the only way he’s ever known.

He gets up from bed and walks to the office downstairs, and grabs his acoustic guitar.

Without even thinking, he starts playing until he finds a chord progression he likes, and then the words come out on their own.

And when everything’s said, he just lets it out and starts sobbing because he never thought he’d get to be happy again.

***

Gerard finds him asleep on the fluffly rug in the office, with Lois by his side.

And for a second, he’s scared.

Scared that he’s back at it, that all the stress from going back to school, and the wedding and becoming dads is getting to him. that his anxiety is back and Gerard was so focused planning that he didn’t even notice.

‘Good morning, sleepy head,’ he says stroking his hair, causing Frank to jump off the floor.

‘Shit! I fell asleep! What time is it?’

‘Seven thirty.’

Frank wipes his eyes with the heels of his hands, letting out a groan. ‘I couldn’t sleep last night, and I didn’t want to wake you up, so I came here to play guitar for a little bit and then the dogs joined and we fell asleep.’

‘It’s okay, honey. I just want to make sure you’re okay.’

He looks straight into Gerard’s eyes and smiles. ‘Never been better.

‘You wanna go take the dogs for a walk one last time before getting married?’ Gerard asks, and Frank doesn’t even reply, just gets up and pulls him to the front door.

They each take one of the dogs, and head out, holding hands. Out of nowhere, Frank asks, ‘You ever thought that day we met, one day we’d be getting married?’

Gerard laughs. ‘Never.’

They reach the park, and sit on their usual spot. Some people wave at them when they see them, which is weird for both since neither of them was very social with their neighbors before, but Gerard thinks they’re now the gay neighborly couple. Which they don’t really mind. All that matters is that they’re both happy and healthy and they have each other, and they’ll be a family soon. They make a list of the things they have to do before the ceremony, the people they have to call to make sure everything’s in order. ‘So – let’s go and get married,’ Frank says, and they walk back home, still feeling like that first day they went to the park together.

***

After taking a shower, they go to Frank’s mom’s house, where they’re supposed to meet for breakfast, and to get ready.

Frank insists that since neither of them is wearing a dress, there’s really no need to get ready five hours prior to the event, but at least it’s an excuse to hang out with the parents, and chill. He knows he needs it or he’ll get so anxious he’ll explode. He misses his mom, and sometimes he just wants to lie on her lap, with his dog by his side, and talk about life.

She asks if they’ve been to Kaya’s appointments, and he tells her not yet. Linda assures him he’s going to be a great dad, and that everything’s going to be okay, which is just what he needs to hear.

‘Aren’t you supposed to wait until the wedding to see each other?’ Gerard’s dad asks.

‘Well, we don’t really believe in that. And it’s not like we haven’t been living together for the past year or so.’

‘I guess you’re right.’

Gerard has to leave with Mikey, and they’re supposed to meet with Gabriel Bá, who’s going to act as his best man, and some of his friends there. ‘I guess I’ll see you later,’ he tells Frank.

‘I can’t wait,’ Frank says, and they kiss.

***

He looks at his reflection one more time.

His light gray suit, identical to the one Gerard is going to wear. His long hair pushed aside.

He’s marrying Gerard.

He has to repeat that to himself because he just can’t believe it. In a few hours, they’ll be husbands.

He knows nothing’s changing. They’ll be the exact same people, they’ll go home to the same house they’ve been living all this time, and go to work on Monday. But they’ll be married, and that’s important.

And more important than anything, they’ll start a family soon.

And that thought, brings tears to Frank’s eyes. He tries to hold them in, but it’s impossible. Now he’s crying, and just then, his mom walks in. ‘No, baby!’ she says, wiping off the tears with her thumb just like when he was a kid.

‘I’m okay, Ma’ – I’m just – emotional.’

They both smile at each other. She knows. He always was an emotional child, which she guesses, was useful when he became a musician. She doesn’t know what to say, but she understands. He’s been through a lot.

‘It’s just, I can’t believe I’ll finally be a dad,’ he says and his voice breaks midsentence.

‘And you’ll be a great dad,’ she says, her voice soft and comforting.

‘You think so?’

‘I’m sure. But more than anything, I’m happy you’re healthy, and happy, and you have a great partner who loves you, and you’re in the right mind to have a child.’

‘I know,’ he says, agreeing.

‘And you’ll make a beautiful family.’

‘I love you, Ma.’

‘I love you, Frankie. Now, let’s go. They’re waiting for us.’

***

Frank walks through the door, with Linda’s elbow linked to his, and Lois on a leash ahead of them, while an instrumental version of Two of Us plays.

As he walks down the aisle, all he can see is the man waiting for him at the other end, and he’s crying again.

He sees Gerard’s parents and Kaya and James in the crowd. Lina is there too, and she waves at him, looking proud.

Linda leaves her son at the altar, and kisses his cheek before joining Donald and Donna.

‘I love you,’ Gerard whispers, and takes his hand. He’s already crying too, and the two of them hug, unable to wait a single second.

‘Guys!’ Mikey says, separating them. ‘Can’t you just fucking wait? Let’s do this okay.’

They nod, and Frank’s dad, who’s also his best man, takes Lois’ leash.

‘Okay – I’ll be brief,’ Mikey continues. ‘I don’t know how to do this, so I’ll go straight to the point. People, we’re here to celebrate the union of two amazing men, and I’m not saying that just because one of them is my brother and he paid me.’ Some of the people laugh, though Gerard wants to kick him because this is his wedding not a comedy show. ‘Anyway – when I met Frank, it was clear from the first moment how much he cared about Gerard, and how they just seemed to work together. I can’t explain it, but they just made sense. And I was glad they both waited for so long to find each other, because they’re so perfect together. And then, in their lowest moments, they both showed me what the true meaning of love is. They stuck to each other, not giving up. And even though I’m already married and have kids, they are my inspiration, and I hope I can learn from them, and I know their kid is going to have a beautiful family.’

Everyone cheers, and the couple kisses, unable to contain their smiles.

Mikey continues. ‘Anything you want to say?’

Gerard nods, taking Frank’s hand in his. ‘I’m not the best talking, and I didn’t really prepare my vows because I know I’ll screw it up. And there’s really nothing I can say to express how much I love you.’ He’s talking too fast, and getting nervous. ‘You came into my life, and gave it some sense. I know it’s cheesy, but I had given up. That same day I met you. My head was a mess, and I was tired of being alone. Then –’

Frank interrupts him by kissing him. ‘No more crying, honey.’

‘No more crying.’

There’s a pause while they both look at their hands, fingers locked together. And then, Frank gets something from his pocket and hands it to Gerard. When he opens his palm he sees one of Frank’s chips from AA. It says 90 days on the back. ‘This is thanks to you. Being sober, and finishing my degree, and me trying to become a therapist, and us having a family. That’s all thanks to you.’ Even though he just told Gerard not to cry, he’s crying now. ‘You believe in me, and you push me to get better. That is something new for me, and I never thought I even deserved that kind of relationship. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve you. You’re so fucking perfect, and I’m a fucking mess.’

Gerard kisses him to stop the crying, and they all cheer.

‘So I guess that’s my cue,’ Mikey says.

And just then, Rowan approaches them, and gives her dad the little basket with the rings. He gives each their ring, and Frank starts, putting on the ring on Gerard’s finger. ‘I, Frank, take you, Gerard to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.’

Then, Gerard puts the ring on Frank’s finger and says the same vows.

Mikey then says, ‘Do you take Frank as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part?’

‘I do.’

‘So – by the power invested in me by the State of New Jersey and a suspicious website, I pronounce you husband and husband.’

They don’t even wait until Mikey’s done with the speech to kiss, while they all celebrate for them.

‘We’re husbands,’ Frank says with a giggle.

***

An hour later, everyone’s waiting for them at the reception, while they’re in one of the bathroom stalls having sex for the first time as a married couple.

‘This is the best part of getting married,’ Frank says as he pulls up his pants.

‘As if he haven’t done it a million times before.’

‘But not as a married couple.’

‘You’re right.’ They fix each other in front of the mirror. ‘We’re supposed to be there by now, let’s go.’

They run to the reception, and give the thumbs up to the DJ to introduce them, holding hands. ‘Now, beautiful people,’ the DJ starts. ‘Let’s welcome to Mr. and Mr. Iero-Way!’

Just then, the door opens and they walk in, their hands up, screaming in celebration. Frank tries to make Gerard dance, but he’s not doing it.

And as they make it to the center of the dance floor, he takes his hand, and they look at each other, still in love like that first day. Frank wraps his arms around his waist just a guitar starts playing, and they start dancing to it.

Their first song as husbands.

_This is the first day of my life_ _  
Swear I was born right in the doorway  
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed_

And the rest of the world doesn’t matter.

It’s just them.

Frank smiles at him, and looks at Gerard with those hazel eyes that drive him crazy. And then he starts singing the song in his ear.

_This is the first day of my life_ _  
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you  
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you  
And I'd probably be happy_

They keep repeating that they love in other, both in tears, unable to believe it.

Then, their moms approach and dance with them. And as the next song starts, Gerard calls Kaya, and dances with her too, before Frank does. She’s four months pregnant now, and he’s definitely showing, and they both ask if they can touch her belly.

The party keeps going, and everyone goes to congratulate them, while the rest of them dances. But Frank and Gerard only have eyes for each other, and they don’t leave each other’s side.

And since they’re obviously not serving alcohol, the vibe is calm and just like a big family gathering. Rowan wants to be with Uncle Frankie the whole time, so they play with the dogs until she falls asleep in Mikey’s arms.

James goes to say hi and he says he’s glad to see Frank sober and happy again. Gabriel approaches them, and says he’s happy to finally meet Frank. ‘You finally got yourself a good one,’ he tells Gerard, who just laughs and rolls his eyes.

‘Ignore him.’

‘I promise I’ll treat him right,’ Frank says, and they start talking about comic books.

Then, Frank runs to the stage and grabs a guitar, before getting everyone’s attention. ‘Hello,’ he says into the microphone. ‘So, first of all, thank you for being here, for supporting us. I don’t really know what to say.’ He laughs and straps his guitar. ‘Anyway – so, that marvelous man right there,’ he points at Gerard, who’s in the middle of the crowd, surrounded by Mikey and his best man. ‘He saved me, and I can’t believe I’m still alive and fighting, but it’s all thanks to him. So, I wrote a song because I don’t know how else to say it.’

He starts fingerpicking his guitar, and the lights go dim.

Then, he starts singing.

_One more night in solitude removed from everyone_ _  
Even though I wanted to I never had much fun. that I know  
Do you think of me like I hope you do?_

He looks at Gerard because he’s his whole world, and he just needs to tell him.

_Raise my arms to the sky for once. I'm gold_ _  
No, I won't give you up. I can't let you down any more than I have_

Gerard looks straight at him, and he can’t help smiling back at him.

_Tonight we're gold_ _  
Tonight we burn down Hollywood  
Tonight's our shared last breath  
They'll write about us in history books_

When the song ends, Gerard runs to the stage, and hugs him. ‘I love you.’

The party is already dying down, and is mostly just family left, sitting outside of the venue, around a makeshift bonfire. Kaya approaches them before leaving. ‘Hi,’ Frank says, looking up from his seat next to Gerard.

‘So – I wanted to give you my present,’ she says.

‘No, you didn’t have to buy anything.’

‘But I didn’t.’ She hands them a gold gift bag, and Frank takes it.

They both look at each other before opening it. He takes it out and sees it’s a frame. But not just a frame. They look at it and then at each other. It’s a sonogram.

A sonogram with _two_ babies in it.

‘Is this what I think it is?’ Frank asks, already freaked out.

Kaya nods. ‘You’re having twins.’

Frank is already jumping and screaming, kissing his husband, then hugging Kaya.

And just then, up in the sky, the fireworks start.

Frank looks up, knowing Gerard is behind this. And that’s why he told everyone to stay outside in the cold. ‘I just wanted to tell everyone that we’re husbands now,’ he tells Frank. ‘I was a little excited.

‘I love you.’

‘I know.’

‘Sometimes I forget you’re a fucking nerd, you know.’

‘Oh, you love me for it,’ Gerard assures him.

‘I do.’ Frank looks at him, wondering if maybe, he’s a wizard after all. If he put a spell on him and gave him the life he always dreamed of.

He looks at his hand, at the ring that says he now belongs to this beautiful man, and smiles.

And he looks around, and realizes his life is perfect.

His family is there, they support them. Now he has Gerard’s family too.

And Kaya.

And they’re having twins.

And everything’s perfect.

There’s magic in the air.

Magic and fireworks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyy!! Again, thanks so much for reading!   
> Let me know what you think, comments are very much appreciated!  
> I can't believe we've come this far, and now they're married!


	36. THIRTY-SIX

‘That was good!’ Frank says, lying next to his husband.

His husband.

He still can’t believe he can call him his _husband._

‘I can’t believe I let you do that to me!’ Gerard says with a smirk, panting.

‘But you loved it, didn’t you?’

‘I kinda did.’

Frank cuddles closer, eyes closed, and sighs. ‘This is the best day ever. Did you enjoy it?’

‘I did,’ the older man replies.

There’s a long silence, and Frank stares at his hand, wearing his wedding ring, for the longest time. ‘This feels like a dream. Like it’s too good to be true. I feel like I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and I’ll be back in my apartment, with just Lois sleeping by my side and still working at Olive Garden.’

Gerard laughs, reaching for his hand, and locking their fingers together. ‘I get what you mean.’

Frank just leans closer and kisses him. ‘How are you even real?’

‘Am I real?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe you’re just a fragment of my imagination, because nobody can be so perfect.’

‘Shut up!’ Gerard says, pushing him away, and they both start laughing. ‘You’re way too much sometimes.’

‘But it’s too late now. You’re stuck with me.’

‘You’re lucky I love you.’

‘I know.’ And then, Gerard goes back to kissing the scorpion tattoo on his neck.

***

Between Gerard’s deadline, and a vet appointment for Soup, and Frank wanting to save money for the baby – _babies –_ they didn’t plan a honeymoon out of town.

But Frank has the week off at the youth center, and they’re happy to just spend as much time together as possible. Drinking coffee and taking the dogs out for a walk. Watching a movie, or sitting in the office while Gerard is writing.

‘Hey,’ Gerard calls out of nowhere. Frank is writing down on his journal, most likely lyrics for a song, but he looks up immediately. ‘So – Netflix already sent out the email to confirm when season 3 comes out. It’s a couple months from now, and they’re doing a big event for the premiere.’

Frank notices his shaky voice and he knows where this is going.

‘So – would you like to come with me?’

‘Absolutely,’ Frank answers without a doubt.

‘No pressure. There’s going to be press, and I don’t want you to feel –’

‘I already said yes! I want to be there to support you!’ Gerard gets up and joins Frank on the floor. ‘And I want everyone to know that you’re mine.’

‘Thank you – hubby.’

‘Always.’

Later that night, it starts to snow, so there’s really not much to do inside. Frank tries to do a puzzle, but Lotion has other plans, and those plans include sleeping on top of the pieces, so Frank gives up. He then joins Gerard in the kitchen. ‘Hey – I’m bored.’

‘What do you wanna do?’ Gerard asks with all the patience in the world, which by now, he knows is required to live with Frank.

‘I don’t know.’ But his smile shows that he knows _exactly_ what he wants to do.

‘I love you, babe, but we can’t be having sex all day just to keep you happy. We’re too old for that.’

‘But we just got married! We’re supposed to be having sex all day.’

‘We’ve lived together for over a year, and we do it a lot for someone our age.’

‘Oh, wait!’ Frank says, excited. ‘I have an idea.’

Gerard knows he’s gonna say something stupid, like filming themselves doing some stupid tiktok thing.

‘You want to help me bleach my hair?’

That’s not what Gerard had in mind. ‘What?’

‘Yeah!’

‘But that’s gonna take weeks!’

‘I know.’

Gerard gives him a look, and Frank doesn’t know if he’s concerned or just judging him. ‘Where are you getting bleach from? We can’t go to the store with this storm.’

‘Oh, I bought some stuff a while ago. I was hoping I’d convince you to let me dye your hair red, but now that I think about it, I need a change.’

‘You just got married and you’re having twins. Isn’t that enough?’

‘You know what I mean,’ Frank protests.

Gerard just looks at him. He has no words.

Every time he thinks he knows everything about the man he loves, he goes and surprises him. And he loves him for that. ‘Fine,’ he says, leaving the last of the dishes next to the sink. ‘Let’s go.’

To be honest, he’s even more excited than Frank. It reminds him of being young and dyeing his hair every time he felt like.

He makes Frank sit on top of the toilet, with a towel around his shoulder, while he gets everything ready. ‘Are you sure about this?’ he asks one last time.

Frank nods, and that look is enough to know he’d do anything Gerard asked him. And he knew he had his Frank back, but an upgraded version. Happier, healthier, and willing to live.

If this is what their marriage is going to be like, he can’t wait.

He starts applying the bleach until all of Frank’s hair is covered, and while they wait for it to be rinsed, Frank sings to him the song he’s writing.

_I tied my stomach in knots, and I'm ready to know_ _  
I'll put it on the line if you'd just give it a go  
'Cause I wanna be the only one to hold you so close and so tight  
If it's cool with you, I'd really love to spend the night  
You say you never wanna be saved  
Well, that's okay 'cause I wouldn't know how  
Just know that the best that I'll ever be  
Is whatever you make me and wherever you are_

After a few more minutes of joking around, they rinse his hair. It doesn’t look like Frank wants, but he has to wait a couple more weeks to bleach it again.

‘I just hope it doesn’t fall off,’ he says.

‘Shut up. I’m an expert on dyeing hair.’

‘If you say so.’

A couple days later, they go with Kaya to another doctor appointment, and the doctor asks them if they want to see the babies. Frank tears up seeing them moving.

‘You want to know their gender?’

‘No,’ they both ask right away.

‘I want it to be a surprise,’ Frank answers, and he’s happy to know Gerard thinks the same way.

Right after that, they go to the adoption agency to fill out all the paperwork now that they’re married. ‘Are you sure about this?’ Frank asks Kaya one last time before he signs.

‘Yeah. I know they’ll have the best parents.’

‘Well,’ the lady tells them. ‘Congratulations!’

***

A week later, Frank is back at the center, working kitchen and helping out with a few support groups, when the supervisor authorizes him to start guitar lessons, so they schedule them to start the following week.

At home, Gerard helps him with another session of hair bleach, and he likes the results.

They’re sitting on the couch, reading, with their dogs by their laps, and the cats hiding somewhere. Frank is supposed to start college classes the following day, and their life is just getting better and better.

Frank wants to thank him for everything again, for putting up with him and helping him recover, and pushing him to get better. For starting a family with him.

But words aren’t enough.

He just reaches for his hand, and holds it tight.

He looks at his ring again, and smiles to himself.


	37. THIRTY-SEVEN

The alarm goes off at six, but Gerard is already up.

He barely slept, but being a writer, he’s more than used to it. He takes the dogs outside, though he’s not as patient as Frank, so they go as far as the front lawn. ‘Lois, Soup! Let’s go, it’s cold!’

He makes breakfast for Frank before his first day back at college. Avocado toast.

The coffee’s brewing and he can hear the shower upstairs.

‘Good morning, handsome,’ he says as Frank approaches and wraps his arm around him from behind. ‘Are you ready to be a college student again?’

‘Ugh, I thought I’d never have to go back after I left that last time. Remind me why I’m doing this.’

‘Because you love helping people.’

‘I kinda do, yeah.’

Gerard turns to him and pulls him closer. ‘I think you’ll change a lot of lives.’

‘That’s a lot of pressure on me.’

‘I’m sorry, but I’m sure you will.’ They sit down to eat, and Frank keeps saying that he’s nervous about the whole thing, and explaining his schedule to Gerard. ‘I only go three hours today, and I told Lina I’ll do four hours at the center. Is that okay?’

‘Why do you ask me? Of course it’s okay! I love all you do for these kids!’

‘What about you? You’re working on something new now that you’re free of deadlines?’

Gerard thought about it. ‘Not really. I want some time off. Get ready for the babies. I might visit my mom. She told me she’d teach me to knit.’

‘Awww! You’re gonna knit for our babies? That’s so adorable!’

‘That’s me.’

Minutes later, Frank grabs his backpack, makes sure his laptop and everything is inside, and kisses his husband goodbye. ‘Love you,’ he says, and then he’s off.

***

The last time Frank drove to Rutgers, he was twenty-one and had a beat-up Toyota.

It’s almost eighteen years later, and he’s driving back to Rutgers. Now a married man, about to be a father.

He walks to the lecture, and sits in the back, ready for the class. Drugs and Human Behavior. It seemed the right course for what he wants to do. Fortunately for him, the professor focuses on the people on the front, and Frank just takes notes, adding his own comments from experience. He’s actually enjoying the class.

When he’s off, he drives to the center, and helps with the donations. Kaya finds him on his way out. ‘Good to see you!’ he says when she runs to hug him.

She’s living with her sister again, but Frank reminds her that she can move in with them whenever she wants. ‘I appreciate it,’ she says.

‘You can visit anytime, though.’

‘Thank you.’

He then goes home to his husband.

***

‘Have you thought of names?’ Donna asks while they’re both sitting in the Ways’ living room. Each one of the has a ball of yarn, Donna, yellow and Gerard, green, and she’s teaching him to knit hats.

‘Not really. But I have a list.’

‘Can I know?’

‘No,’ he says with a smirk. ‘We don’t even know their gender. But we want it to be a surprise.’

‘I’m so happy for you, honey.’

‘Thank you, mom. I’m happy too.’ Just then, the doorbell rings, and they hear Don opening the door.

‘Son, come on in,’ he says. It always warms Gerard’s heart to hear his parents call Frank son.

When he walks in the living room, he goes to hug Donna first, and then to kiss Gerard. ‘Hi, hubby.’

‘Hi, hubby.’ They kiss again. ‘Mom, you know I’m dating a college kid.’

‘Shut up.’

They sit down to have dinner in front of the TV, but Gerard starts asking him about his first day at school. ‘Not really interesting. But at least now I kinda like what I’m learning. Or at least trying to compare it with my own experience and question it.’

‘There’s the man I love.’

‘Oh, and I saw Kaya. She looks great. And like she’s about to explode.’ Gerard giggles. ‘I’m starting to get nervous.’

‘Me too.’

Gerard tells his parents about going to LA the following month, and that he’s nervous because it’s going to be his public coming out. ‘Are you sure about it?’ Franks asks. ‘I can skip it.’

‘No, I think this is the perfect time. I want everyone to meet my perfect husband. I’m just nervous, like when you have big news, like a book or an album coming out and you just want to tell everyone but you have to wait.’

Frank just smiles, and kisses his cheek.

The next day, they do everything again. And the next.

At home, Frank finally brings out the topic of names, and he says he has a few, so Gerard shows him his list, and they go over it, as well as looking online for nursery furniture.

That Saturday, Frank gives his first music class at the center, and when he gets there, it’s only Caleb, but before he closes the door, another ten kids have joined. He gives them the basic chords, and chord shapes, and tells them to practice those.

When he gets home, his husband is waiting in the living room, knitting a blanket for the babies. ‘Look at you!’ Frank says. ‘Fatherhood hit you hard.’

‘You think?’

‘But it looks sexy on you. Now who’s the dilf?’

‘Well, fuck me then.’

So Frank obeys and pushes him on the couch, taking both his shirts in the process, and starting to kiss the side of his stomach, as his hand is busy undoing his pants.

Moments later, he’s thrusting in and out of Gerard, making him a moaning mess and covering him with kisses.


	38. THIRTY-EIGHT

‘Gee! I can’t find the chargers!’ Frank yells from upstairs.

As expected, Frank left all his packing for last minute, and they’re supposed to leave for the airport in the next thirty minutes. ‘Frank! Just forget about it, we’ll buy a new one at the airport!’ Gerard yelled back, doing a double check of his own bags.

‘You know how expensive they are!’

‘I don’t care! I’ll buy two, just for you.’ Frank knows there’s no point in continuing, so he just grabs his sweatshirt and jacket, and goes downstairs where his husband is waiting.

‘You think you’re the shit just because you’re this huge rich writer, huh?’ he says, approaching him. ‘You think I’m just gonna whatever you want because you say so?’

‘Actually, I was hoping you would.’

‘Well, you know I will.’ And then he kisses him. ‘Did you call Mikey to check on the pets?’

‘He just texted me. They’re all fine. Sometimes I think Lotion likes staying there more than he likes it here. But anyway, I told Mikey to send you updates of the girls as often as possible.’

‘You are just the best fucking husband ever.’

‘Whatever, let’s go.’

Their Uber arrives just then, and they’re off.

It’s still too early, and neither of them have had any coffee, so they’re quiet the whole drive to the airport, except for answering a couple questions from the driver, like where they were traveling to, and whether it was for pleasure or work, and Gerard says it’s work related.

And as soon as they get there, they run to the nearest Starbucks and get the biggest coffees. ‘I have to say,’ Frank starts. ‘I’m kinda nervous about going to a red carpet.’

Gerard laughs. ‘Oh, me too.’

‘But you’ve been to others before. And you know all these famous people.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything. I’m just a writer who loves his privacy and too anxious to go in public. I’m sure you’re more famous than me.’

‘Hell, no!’ Frank giggles, and Gerard’s stomach clenches just like that first time they talked. He still has no idea how he does that. Shake his whole world with just his laugh. He knows more than ever that as long as Frank was happy, nothing else mattered.

***

They make it to Los Angeles around noon, and Frank already hates it.

All the people, the lack of respect for personal space, everyone sharing the same air, contaminating it. But he decides to ignore it just this one time, and follows Gerard.

And since he’s such a big deal, there’s a driver holding a sign that says G. Way by the escalator. They follow him and he takes him to the hotel.

‘You don’t have any plans tonight, right?’ Frank asks as they get to the third floor, looking for their room.

‘No. Nothing until tomorrow.’

‘Well, now you do.’ And then, he pushes him inside, and just throws the luggage to the side without even turning on the lights, and kisses him. ‘You’re mine all day.’ He kisses him again, taking off their clothes. ‘And forever.’

‘That I am,’ Gerard can barely whisper before he’s thrown to the bed, and then Frank is on top of him. ‘What do you want to do?’

‘You.’

‘Fine by me.’ Frank is already sucking on his neck by then, grinding on his crotch, by then. Gerard helps him with his jeans. ‘Just fuck me already.’

‘You think I’m gonna do whatever you want because you’re a big shot now, Mr. Way?’

‘Oh, I know you will.’

‘You know me so well, fucker.’

***

After taking a shower, Frank somehow convinces him to go out. He rents a car, and they go find something to eat. He takes Gerard to one of the veggie places he and James went to a lot while recording the album.

Gerard doesn’t want to mention the elephant in the room, but Frank knows what he’s thinking. ‘I’m fine,’ he says. ‘Better than ever, to be honest.’

‘I know. It’s just – a lot, seeing how you got better, and you’re working hard on your degree and volunteering, and now we’re going to be dads. And I knew you were strong, but you keep surprising me every day.’

Frank can’t help blushing. He doesn’t know how to take compliments, even though he’s been with Gerard all this time and he loves to shower him with compliments. ‘Shut up.’

‘I’m not kidding. I’m so proud of you.’

‘Thank you. You’ve helped me a lot, so –’

‘I just gave you a little push, you did the rest.’ He leans closer to kiss him, and they head out. As expected, Frank drives up to the Hollywood sign to take a picture in the same exact spot where he asked Gerard to marry him. He even has an idea to make the official announcement, and asks one of the security guards nearby to take the picture of them kissing, showing their wedding bands, and holding a sonogram of the twins. He takes a picture of the polaroid, and puts it next to the sonogram, inside his phone case.

‘You had it all planned, huh?’ Gerard asks, knowing his husband well.

‘You know me.’

He posts it to his Instagram, and writes the caption. _Nine months ago, I asked him to marry me right in this spot. Now we’re here again, and soon our family will grow._

‘There,’ he says. ‘I just came out to everyone.’

Gerard laughs. ‘You just told the whole world?’

‘I mean – it’s not like I have millions of followers. I’m sure everyone forgot about me a long time ago. And we’re going to the red carpet tomorrow, so – people will know.’ He tries to hide it, but it’s obvious he’s nervous.

Gerard gets a text from Gabriel to ask him if he’s in LA already. ‘He says we should go out for sushi.’

‘I’m in.’

‘He’s on his way, so it’ll be at least an hour with the traffic right now.’

‘Perfect timing.’ They get in the car and Frank drives around, looking for a tattoo parlor.

‘You can’t just walk in the first one and get a tattoo, Frank!’

‘This wouldn’t be the first time.’ He asks the guy in the front desk if there’s anyone available, and tells him he just wants something simple, so the guy calls one of their main artists, a short woman covered in tattoos from head to toes. Frank explains the tattoo to her, and she leads him inside. Gerard is told to stay outside because he wants it to be a surprise.

Not even twenty minutes later, Frank walks out and shows him what he got. Over one of his first tattoos, the one that said he wished he was a ghost, he got _12-26-20_ , with two stars on each side. The day they got married. ‘And it’s supposed to be sparks, like magic. Because you’re a wizard. Get it?’

Gerard laughs out loud. ‘I love you, idiot.’

‘Love you, too.’

***

The next day, Gerard is busy with interviews and trying outfits.

In the meantime, Frank replies to the comments on his post. A lot of people he hasn’t seen in ages, bandmates from over a decade ago congratulating him on both being sober and starting a family. Friends from school. Some of his fans who still interact with him.

Not that it matters.

But at least most of it is positive, being excited and showing support.

In the end, Gerard decides to go for casual, and just wears a green jacket over a white shirt. And Frank goes for a gray sweater.

‘Ready?’ the driver asks Gabriel and Gerard, and they both get in with their partners. The premiere is just a couple blocks away, but between the LA’s traffic, and the street being blocked, and then having to wait until the actors get in first, they stay there for almost an hour.

‘What are we supposed to do, again?’ Frank asks, a little nervous, but faking it.

‘Nothing really,’ Gerard assures him. ‘They usually focus on the actors or the big stars. Some people will ask me and Gabriel some questions, but nothing much.’

‘But aren’t you used to the spotlight, Frank?’ Gabriel asked.

He laughs. ‘Not really. None of my bands reached that level.’

They keep joking around for a while, until the door of their limousine opens, and a young woman tells them to go ahead.

Frank’s hands are sweating, and it’s too bright, all the cameras directed at them. He just holds Gerard’s hand tighter and puts on his best smile. The photographers call Gerard and Gabriel to the front for pictures, and then some of them with their partners. And as they keep going, some of the interviewers call Gerard. ‘How does it feel to see so many people here for something you created?’ she asks, and Gerard just smiles, blushing.

Frank is back there, talking to Gabriel and his wife, but that’s enough to give him confidence. ‘It’s unbelievable, you know,’ he says. ‘It’s something I never thought would happen, and we’re already on season three.’

‘Congratulations on that! It must be amazing.’ Gerard nods. ‘Now, we saw you all happy when you arrived, who came with you?’

Gerard laughs again, all nervous and happy. ‘Yeah, that’s my husband, Frank. We just got married a couple months ago, and I’m just lucky he could be here with me this time.’

‘Are you serious? Congrats! That’s amazing!’

‘Yeah, he’s my rock and my everything.’

The pictures continue, and another journalist from a magazine approaches him, and this time Frank is by his side, looking at him with love eyes, proud as hell. And every time, Gerard shows him off, and tells everyone how happy he is.

Inside, he meets with the producers and the actors, and he introduces Frank to Robert Sheehan and Elliot Page, and they all seem to get along really well, talking about books and poetry, and Rob recommends him some veggie restaurants in the area.

At the showing, Frank keeps asking who’s who, and what’s happening, just to piss him off. ‘Can I be in the next season?’ he asks when the episode ends.

‘You even act?’

‘No, but I’m screwing the writer. I should have some rights.’

They have an after party, and Frank doesn’t even have the urge to have a drink, but he doesn’t want to ruin it, so they just hang out for a little bit and head back to the hotel.

‘I’m so proud of you,’ he tells Gerard. ‘I can’t believe you created all this world with your genius mind, and now it’s a TV show and everyone was there loving it.’

Gerard can’t help but laugh. ‘You’re ridiculous sometimes, you know?’

‘But that’s why you love me.’

‘You’re right.’ they walk in their room, to tired to even make out, and head to the bed without even taking off their clothes. What Frank doesn’t know is they’re going on a road trip the next day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! Hope you guys like this chapter, and don't forget to tell me what you think. Also I have a Killjoys fic that I'm enjoying to write a whole lot, so it'd mean the world if you read it and tell me your thoughts or share it with someone! Anyway, <3


	39. THIRTY-NINE

‘Good morning, sunshine!’

It’s still too early, Frank think as soon as he opens his eyes. He sees Gerard sitting there, holding a Starbucks coffee and a muffin. ‘What time is it?’ he asks, his eyes not quite open yet.

‘Five minutes ‘til seven.’

‘And why are we up so early?’

‘We’re going on a road trip.’ Gerard can’t even contain the excitement.

‘Where?’

‘It’s a surprise. Now get up and get ready.’

He pulls the blanket, leaving Frank exposed, and causing him to yell. ‘I’m cold!’

‘I don’t care, we need to leave. It’s a six hour drive.’

Frank has no choice but to get up, angry and cold and walks to the bathroom, completely ignoring his husband, who just laughs at the tantrum, and continues putting all their stuff back in their bags. Five minutes later, Frank walks out, having brushed his teeth and his hair is semi decent. He grabs his jeans, which he must have taken off at some point in the middle of the night, and puts them back on. ‘Let’s go, then.’

They get their stuff in their rental car, and drive off. Gerard does the first half of the drive, considering Frank hasn’t woken up yet, which also means complete silence except for the radio. They stop at a café for breakfast, and it’s until then that Frank finally says something. ‘So – where are we going?’

‘It’s a surprise.’

‘Then how am I supposed to know where to go?’

Gerard hadn’t thought about that, and now he looks disappointed. ‘Oh – I guess you’re right.’ Frank just laughs. ‘Fine. We’re going to Napa. Kind of like a honeymoon.’

‘What? Are you kidding me?!’ Frank says excited.

‘Surprise!’

Frank gets up from his seat, not caring if he gets looks from people, and plants a kiss on his husband’s lips. ‘Have I told you how much I love you?’

‘Yes, but please keep saying it.’

‘I will. I fucking love you.’

***

Soon, they’re on the road again, and Frank puts on his punk playlist to stay awake while he makes the rest of the drive, and keeps eating chocolates.

‘So –,’ he starts. ‘Last night was fun.’

‘You enjoyed it?’

‘Hell, yeah! I mean, I enjoy seeing your dreams come true more than anything. Even though you made it way before I showed up, I like being part of it.’

They joke about the episode they watched, and Frank not getting some of it, but he promises to read the comics. At some point, Gerard is the one who falls asleep in the passenger seat, so Frank follows the GPS, until they arrive at the destination.

It’s a winery.

Frank knew that would be the case if they were going to Napa, but he doesn’t want to mention. He knows Gerard doesn’t mean any harm, and he doesn’t want to ruin the surprise. They park outside the resort, a fancy mansion in the middle of the vineyard, and Frank takes a deep breath before waking him up. ‘Honey, we’re here.’

Gerard opens his eyes, and still half asleep, he helps Frank with their bags. In the meantime, Frank doesn’t know if he should be mad at him, but he knows Gerard would never do that on purpose. Someone probably recommended him the place and he thought why not. So he just walks in and follows Gerard to the desk where he’s checking in. ‘Room for Iero-Way,’ he tells the lady, and she quickly gives them their keys, and tells them how to get to their room.

They get to the third floor not saying a word, and Frank wonders if he realized yet.

Their room is huge, with a fancy bathroom with hot tub and everything, and there’s a huge door that leads to a balcony with an amazing view, and Frank decides to let it go. It’s not a big deal. He’s not going to be tempted. He doesn’t even think about it anymore.

He decides to enjoy his time with Gerard, so he takes a breath, leaning on the rail, and closes his eyes. All that matters is that he’s with the love of his life, taking some days off, and that they’ll be parents soon. That should be enough to stay sober.

He feels Gerard’s arms around him, hugging him from the back, and his lips on the back of his ear. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think it through,’ he says.

And now Frank feels awful. ‘No – what are you talking about?’ He turns around to kiss him and tell him that is completely okay and that he’s not mad, but Gerard interrupts him.

‘I know I should have known. Bringing my recovering alcoholic husband to a winery is not the best idea. I’m sorry, Frank, I’m so stupid.’

‘Shut up. Look at the view. This trip is about us, not about whatever the make here.’ He leans in to kiss him again, and takes his hand. ‘I’m sure we can manage, and we’ll find something else to do. Besides, the most important thing that happens in a honeymoon is in the bedroom, so who cares about everything else?’

‘How do you always manage to make me fall even more in love with you?’

‘I don’t know that’s my charm.’ He keeps kissing him, his hands on his hips as he pushes him back inside the room. ‘We’ll probably end up doing a lot of this, considering out time is up when the kids come.’

‘Who said that?’ Gerard whispers between moans as he takes off his shirt. ‘I’m not giving up on this so easily.’

‘Fine, we’ll find a way.’ He helps Gerard with his pants.

‘Hey – I made reservations at the spa at five.’

‘Shh – let’s just focus on this for now, okay?’ He finishes takin off his clothes and then he’s all over Gerard.

***

A day at the spa was exactly what Frank needed. It’s been a while since his last facial, and he just needs to relax. Maybe the winery isn’t such a bad idea.

They get manis and pedis, and a massage, and walk out feeling brand new and ready for the rest of their day.

They put on some nice clothes, and go to one of the restaurants they have at the resort. ‘Do you guys have any non-alcoholic wines?’ Frank asks the person serving them, and she quickly hands him a menu, so they both choose from there.

It’s very calm and proper, but Frank can’t help make jokes the whole time to embarrass Gerard, making their time even better. ‘Thank you for this,’ Frank says. ‘I really appreciate it.’

‘Are you sure? I mean – we could have gone to Disneyland!’

‘No! This is great! I thought we didn’t need a honeymoon, but this is fucking good.’

‘I’m glad.’

‘I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you enough for having saved me,’ Frank mentions, his eyes watery. ‘Since the beginning. You turned my life upside down and gave it meaning. I gave my dreams another chance, and even found new ones. And now we’re going to be dads, and I couldn’t be any more grateful for everything.’

Gerard reaches for his hand. ‘Oh, honey, if only I could tell you everything. But I don’t want to ruin this moment. But I’ll save you as many times as possible because that’s the least I could do after you saved me.’

Frank laughs. ‘Can you believe in a couple month there’s going to be four of us?’

‘No, I still can’t believe it.’

‘Me neither.’

After dinner, they walk around the resort and end up at an open mic bar. They listen to people sing their heart out, and one or two read out their poems. And Frank can’t help it. He gets up and writes his name in the sign up sheet.

He’s nervous.

He hasn’t played since the wedding, but getting on stage brings him flashbacks of everything, and now he’s starting to doubt it’s a good idea in a place where they sell alcohol. But then, he sees Gerard, sitting feet away, smiling at him and cheering him on, and that’s all he needs. He takes a breath and walks onstage.

‘Hey, there,’ he says, grabbing the acoustic guitar they have there, and tuning it. He turns to Gerard as if this performance is just for him, which it is. ‘So – funny thing, I’m on my honeymoon.’ The crowd cheers, and makes Frank nervous. ‘That man over there, he’s mine. So anyway, I’m just gonna start. This isn’t mine, it’s Tina Turner’s. But it’s for you, babe.’ He starts fingerpicking, and closes his eyes before he sings.

_I call you when I need you, my heart's on fire  
You come to me, come to me wild and wild  
When you come to me  
Give me everything I need_

_Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams  
Speak a language of love like you know what it means  
Umm, it can't be wrong  
Take my heart and make it strong, baby_

_You're simply the best  
Better than all the rest  
Better than anyone  
Anyone I've ever met  
I'm stuck on your heart  
I hang on every word you say  
Tear us apart  
Baby, I would rather be dead_

When the song is over, he gets off stage, not letting the applause get to him, and goes straight to Gerard to kiss him. ‘I loved it,’ he tells him.

‘You think? Should I do it more often?’ Gerard nods, and goes for another kiss. ‘Let’s go back to our room, we have some unfinished business.’

‘Oh, yeah.’

Frank just gives him a flirty smile, and pulls him out the door.

***

Frank wakes up to the sun hitting him straight in the face and the cold California breeze. And no Gerard.

He looks around but doesn’t see him, so he wonders if he probably went to get coffee or breakfast. So he waits for him. Except after a while, he still doesn’t show up, and Frank is getting cold. So he gets up and finds some sweatpants and a t-shirt on the chair, and puts them on, when he realizes why it’s so cold.

The door to the balcony is open, and Gerard is outside.

So he makes his way to where he is, and sits on the chair next to him. ‘Good morning, hubby,’ he says and kisses him.

‘Good morning. Did you have a good night?’

‘The best night ever.’

‘Nice to hear. Though I figured, since it’s almost one in the afternoon and you just woke up.’

Frank giggles. ‘That’s your fault. You left me really tired.’

‘And I plan on doing it again tonight.’

‘I’m excited.’ They stay there for a while, not really saying anything, until Frank gets all giddy again. ‘I can’t stop thinking about the babies. I just want time to go by and have them with us.’

‘Me too!’ And then they’re talking about getting the house baby proofed and whether they should start taking them to church to make their moms happy. ‘What about names? Have you thought about names?’

‘Are you kidding me? I have a whole list on my phone!’ Frank says, so they go on and on sharing their favorite names, and their meanings, and that they hope at least one of them is a girl, and Gerard mentions he already wrote a story for a children’s book for them. ‘I can’t wait to be a family.’

‘Me neither. But let’s just enjoy these next couple days, okay? Just you and me for a little while. Our little heaven.’

‘I’m okay with that,’ Frank says, and leans in Gerard’s shoulder admiring the view.


	40. FORTY

They arrive in New Jersey early on Tuesday, and Mikey is there to pick them up.

‘Thanks, man,’ Frank greets him as they get their bags in the trunk. ‘I need to go home and sleep for days.’ Then, he opens the back door to find his two dogs in the backseat and just as excited as him.

‘Anytime. But please make sure next time it’s not this early in the morning.’

‘That’s your brother’s fault.’

Gerard just rolls his eyes at both of them and gets in the passenger seat. ‘In my defense, we were supposed to arrive at midnight but the delay ruined everything.’

‘I guess you’re right,’ Frank says, letting the dogs lick him.

‘So how was the honeymoon?’ Mikey asks.

‘Great. Your brother fucked me all night for three days straight.’

‘Eww! I don’t want to know!’

‘What else do you think we did? It was our honeymoon!’ But Frank is laughing hysterically at his brother in law’s reaction. They tell him everything else about the trip, though. The premiere, the awful food they served, and driving up to Napa.

When they make it home, Mikey promises to bring the cats later, on his way to work. ‘Thanks, bro,’ Gerard tells him and hugs him.

‘No problem. I’ll be waiting for news on the babies.’

‘That reminds me, we need to finish getting the nursery ready.’

‘It feels real now, doesn’t it?’

‘Are you kidding me?’ Frank says. ‘I still feel like I’m dreaming! I guess I won’t know until I have them with me.’

‘Well – just enjoy your last weeks of sleep and not changing diapers.’ And then, he’s off, and the couple goes inside their home, tired and ready to take the longest nap.

***

Hours later, they wake up to take the dogs to the park, and then go to IKEA to buy some baby furniture. They already have a bookcase, and a chest, already full with clothes they’ve been buying here and there, plus an armchair by the corner. But they need the cribs and decorations, as well as toys and everything else.

‘Should we paint the room yellow or green?’ Frank asks, looking through the selection of blankets and sheets. ‘I’m thinking it should be neutral.’

‘Yellow.’

Frank finds some sheets with monkeys, and another one with little suns and moons, and he takes both, as well as a lot of stuffed animals and mobiles.

Afterwards, they stop at the hardware store for some paint, and then pick up some Chinese food to eat at home. They’re too excited to start, but Frank has to finish a paper for school, so they sit in front of the TV while he does and when he’s done, they both fall asleep.

The next day, he only goes to the youth center for a couple hours after his class so he can go back home and help Gerard painting the room.

‘I can’t believe we’re painting our kids’ room,’ Gerard says.

‘Me neither.’ And then they start making out, and cover each other in paint. ‘You think we’ll be good parents?’

‘I don’t know yet, but I hope we will.’

It takes them another couple days to finish building all the furniture and setting it up, and as a final touch, they buy two identical teddy bears, one with a green bow, and the other one orange, for each of the babies.

‘I can’t wait,’ Frank says, trying not to cry, but it’s impossible by now.

***

Frank still tries to make it to his weekly AA meeting, as hard as it is sometimes, because he knows that keeps him focused, and it’s helped a lot before. And he’s glad Kaya comes with him every week.

‘How are you?’ he asks her.

‘Ready to blow up.’

‘Are you serious?’ He gets all nervous, and doesn’t know what to say.

‘I mean, I still have a couple more weeks according to my doctor, but I can’t wait, honestly. My back hurts, and I can’t move, and I’m moody –’

‘But we’re still keeping them, right?’

‘Yes – unless you don’t want to, but you already signed a contract. Why? You don’t want to?’

‘What?! Of course I do! I haven’t stopped thinking about it!’

‘Then?’ Kaya asks, taking a seat.

‘I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel real sometimes, and I feel something’s going to happen at some point that will prevent us from becoming parents.’

‘I would never do that,’ she says. ‘I’ll never be able to give them a good life, and the best I can do is let them have the best family, and you two will give them all the love they need. So I’ve never been more sure about my decision.’

Frank can’t literally say anything because he’s trying hard not to cry, but Kaya gets up to hug him. ‘It’s the least I can do for all you’ve done for me.’

Soon the session starts, and they all go around telling everyone something they’ve achieved lately. Frank mentions he finished another song, and being excited about being a dad soon.

Before Kaya leaves, Frank stops her one last time. ‘Hey – I wanted to ask you something else. Gerard and I were thinking, and you can totally say no, I’d understand. But we’d like you to move in with us, at least until the babies are born.’

Kaya looks at him speechless. ‘You’ve done enough for me.’

‘It’s nothing, really. You’re making our dream come true. And we just want to be there in case –’

‘Yes, it’s okay.’

‘Are you serious?’

The girl nods, and Frank can’t help hugging her. ‘Thank you.’

***

She moves in the next day, and when Frank goes to pick her up after his music class at the youth center, Gerard has dinner ready, and cleans up the guest room.

They make sure she eats right and is doing all the right things, and she knows it’s a little overwhelming, but appreciates them a whole lot more. At the end of the day, they watch movies and joke around, and Soup seems to like her a lot, while Lois loves to sit by her belly, as if she knows what’s about to happen. ‘You’re gonna be a big sister, Lois,’ Frank says, petting her, and he can swear she understands.

Over the next few days, they do the same, and while Frank goes to school, Gerard and Kaya go buy more toys and books and clothes for them, and he insists she picks something special for them to have from their mom, even if they don’t know. But she has a better idea, and makes a blanket out of an old shirt.

When they come home, they all have lunch, and she sits to help Frank with his puzzles.

On Friday morning, just a week after she moved in, Frank wakes up to someone knocking on their bedroom door, so he untangles from Gerard’s arms, and goes to see what Kaya needs.

‘I think my water broke,’ she says, and he just stands there, not knowing what to do.


	41. FORTY-ONE

‘Breathe in and out,’ Gerard says from the driver’s seat of their car ‘It’s going to be okay, we’ll be there soon.’

‘I know,’ Frank says, panicking.

‘I was talking to Kaya.’ She’s in the back, taking deep breaths, and keeping her eyes closed, trying to remain calm. ‘Did you call your sister or your mom?’

‘Not yet,’ she says.

‘You want me to call her?’

‘Please –,’ Kaya responds between pants. The drive to the hospital isn’t that long, but between Kaya screaming in pain in the back, Frank having an anxiety attack in the passenger seat, and his own anxiety, it feels like an eternity for Gerard, but he has to keep calm for everyone’s sake.

‘Frank, did you bring the paperwork?’

He only nods, resting his head on the headrest. Just then, they turn right to the parking lot of the hospital, and pull up right outside the entrance. By the time Frank has the door open for Kaya, there’s already someone there with a wheelchair.

They follow the nurse inside, while she asks the girl questions about her contractions. ‘Is one of these men the father?’

‘Both.’ There’s a silence. ‘They’re keeping the baby.’

‘Then follow me.’ They head to the maternity wing, and the nurse leaves the couple at the desk while she gets a room for Kaya. They show all of their paperwork, showing they’re adopting the babies, and fill out forms. ‘Congratulations,’ the nurse at the front desk says.

When they enter Kaya’s room, she’s still screaming, so Gerard calls her sister right away.

In the meantime, Frank calls his parents. ‘Mom – we’re at the hospital. They’re on their way.’ And he starts crying his eyes out, realizing he’s about to be a dad.

Doctors keep coming in and out of the room, checking on Kaya, and tell the couple it could be a few hours until the babies are born, so the step out of the room. ‘Can you please let us know when –’ Frank begs.

‘Absolutely.’

They sit right outside the room, holding hands, and Frank is desperate to know. He looks for someone who can tell him, but Gerard has to pull his arm and tell him he’s okay, and that everything will be okay.

‘I could really use a drink right now,’ Frank says out of nowhere. He can feel Gerard’s eyes on him, the disappointment and the hurt. And he regrets saying that just as much as he regrets everything he’s done. ‘I’m sorry. I was just trying to get it out of my system. I’m not going to.’

‘Good. You’re about to have children now.’

‘I know. And I would never do it, just so you know.’

‘Glad to know.’ Gerard is freaking out, but he’s gotten better at hiding it around Frank.

Just then, Mikey and Gerard’s parents arrive, and they all go and hug the couple. ‘Not here yet,’ Gerard informs them. ‘It might be a while.’

‘Have you eaten anything?’ Donna asks.

‘No, but we could use some coffee.’

‘On it.’

Donald goes with Mikey, while Donna sits with the men and comforts her son in law. Linda and Cheech get there just an hour later, and they’re still waiting for the babies to come. Kaya’s sister is the only one who stays with her, but Frank and Gerard come and go, checking on her and trying to help her calm down.

Linda insists Frank eats something, but he’s getting more anxious the closer they get. According to the nurses it could be a couple hours, so Mikey gets him a salad from the cafeteria.

‘What if I’m not a good dad?’ Frank asks when it’s just his husband and mom with him. They both turn to him, not sure if they should be scared. Gerard sits in his lap, and strokes his bleached hair, trying to make him feel better.

‘Why would you say that?’

‘I don’t know. I’m just – too broken. I’m just scared I’m not made to be a father, like they told me. What if I ruin their life?’

And then he starts crying, and Gerard is the only one who notices how bad he’s getting. ‘Hey, honey –,’ he says. ‘Let’s go outside, okay?’

‘But what about –’ He looks up, worried.

‘It’ll only be a couple minutes.’

They go through the nearest exist, and only now Frank regrets coming to this hospital with their strict no smoking policies that include even the outside and parking lot. But at least he won’t be smelling like cigarettes when his children are born.

Instead, he just lets Gerard hugs him tight and cries on his shoulder. ‘You’re not broken, okay? In that case, I’m broken too.’ He pulls apart, and looks at Frank in the eye, wiping off his tears with his thumb. ‘There is no one I know more fit to be a dad than you. And I’m not exaggerating. I’ve seen you with Rowan and Kennedy, or Kaya, or every kid at the center. You were born for this.’

The tattooed man only cries more. ‘But – look at me.’

‘The only thing I see when I look at you is a beautiful, strong man who has gotten up every time he falls down, who despite everything, got better and showed everyone that it’s possible. Our kids will be lucky to call you dad.’ He hugs him again. ‘I remember when I met you I understood that everything happens for a reason. And I hate that I almost lost you, and that you felt so lost you relapsed, for somehow, it brought us here. And this is the most important moment of our lives. We’ll get to go back home with two little humans.’ That makes Frank smile. ‘I love you, Frank,‘I love you, Frank, and I love having a family with you. I never thought I’d be this happy, so thank you.’

‘I love you.’

***

Back in the waiting room, they’re all equally excited and nervous, knowing they can come anytime.

Mikey facetimes his wife so they can say hi to the girls and the dogs, and Kristin tells them they’ll do great, and she can help anytime they need.

Donna and Linda try to get them to spill the names they have for the babies, but they won’t tell them. And just then, a nurse comes to tell them it’s time.

Both Frank and Gerard are let in the room, and they stand nearby, not sure what to do. Kaya is holding her sister’s hand, and pushing hard. ‘Frank!’ she yells, holding out a hand, and he quickly runs to hold it. ‘I want you here.’

He smiles at her, and somehow being there for her helps him.

‘You’ve been like an older brother, and I couldn’t have made it sober all this time without you. And you’ll be a great dad.’

She yells again, and the obstetrician is ready between her legs. ‘Here they come!’

Gerard is holding his husband from the waist as he holds Kaya’s hand, and everyone is yelling and crying, it’s happening too fast. Then suddenly, there’s a baby’s cry. ‘We have a girl!’

Frank sobs even harder while they take her to the side to clean her, and then there’s another cry two minutes later. ‘A boy! Congratulations, dads!’

Kaya’s sister comforts her as she recovers, and once they wrap them in their little blankets, they ask the mom if she wants to hold them, but she says no, and then Frank and Gerard hold them. They’re pink and small, but they both seem healthy and beautiful. ‘Welcome to the world, Dylan and Emi,’ Frank says. ‘We’re your dads and we love you a lot.’ And they’re his whole world now. Gerard and their kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAHHHHH THEY'RE DADS!! Thanks for reading again :)  
> What do you think?


	42. FORTY-TWO

Gerard has never felt this kind of love, and he thought he’d never get to experience that. But holding his daughter, he’s never been happier.

And he can’t understand how, even though they’re not related by blood, she’s a part of him now, just like Dylan, who’s now in Frank’s arms while they both cry. He would die for them. ‘Hi, princess,’ he says, his voice breaking. He knows that it’s going to be scary, and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to do it, but he’ll try his best.

They’ve taken them to a separate room, where they can be with them for a little bit without bothering Kaya, who makes it clear that she doesn’t want to hold them.

When he looks up, his husband is standing there, and he looks so good in this new phase, as if it was possible for him to get hotter. ‘Look at you,’ Gerard says. ‘Looking like a total DILF.’

‘Have more respect for our children,’ Frank joked. ‘And have you looked at yourself in the mirror. If someone is a DILF here, it’s you, sir.’ They both smile, and Gerard pulls him for a kiss with his free hand. ‘We’re dads.’

‘Yeah.’

They soon take the babies away to clean them up and their checkup. Frank and Gerard join their families in the waiting room, who all welcome them with balloons and flowers. Frank cries in his mom’s shoulder, and Gerard’s dad offers him a cigar.

‘How are they?’ Mikey asks.

‘Perfect!’ Frank starts, too excited. ‘They’re so – beautiful!’

They have to be forced to eat something. ‘Your kids need you strong, hun,’ Donna tells them, and they have no choice.

And while everyone is talking, Gerard goes to check on Kaya, who’s resting in her room, while her sister talks to their parents on the phone. ‘Hey, can I come in?’ he asks.

Kaya nods, and lets him sit next to her. ‘How are they?’

‘Beautiful.’ He’s trying hard not to cry again, but there’s no point. ‘How are you?’

‘Tired. I wanna go home.’

‘I understand.’ There’s a pause, and he played with his wedding band. ‘I just wanted to thank you. You made us so happy.’

‘I’m glad. They’ll be so lucky.’ They both laughed. ‘I saw your face when the girl was born, and I knew I’d never feel like that. You are both so great and so full with love and patience.’

‘You want to meet them?’ Gerard asks, and she shakes her head.

‘It’s better this way. I don’t think I can –’ She pauses. ‘We were just talking about that. I’m moving with my dad to Florida. Keep some distance, you know.’

Gerard nods.

‘I know Frank won’t take it well, but it’s for everyone’s sake. I need to stay clean too.’

‘I know.’

‘Can you tell him I’m proud of how far he’s come?’

‘I will. And I have to thank you for that too.’

‘No, he’s done it all himself. He really wants to make you proud, and you were the reason he got better.’

That’s a lot to take in for Gerard. As much as Frank has told him already, and that maybe he knows he helped, it’s still a lot. ‘You know? I haven’t told this to anyone, not even Frank.’ The girl smiles at him. ‘I tried to off myself a few years ago.’ The air changes completely, and he’s getting anxious, yet he continues. ‘It got so bad, and I was so fucking miserable. I thought I’d never find someone or have a family, or that my career would fail. I never thought I’d have kids or a family. Even after I got better, if you call that better, it was still pretty bad, and I felt hopeless. Then I met Frank. And it was like all these things that I thought were impossible for me, just started to happen.’ He can’t even finish and just starts sobbing, Kaya embracing him to comfort him. ‘I can’t believe I get to go home with my husband and my kids.’

‘You are, and I’m so proud of you.’

‘Thank you.’

***

Next morning, they meet with a social worker and someone from the agency to sign the adoption papers and birth certificate.

Someone leads them to the nursery, where they can see all the newborn babies behind the window. In the front row, they see two babies sleeping peacefully, with the last name Iero-Way on their tags.

They’re let inside, where a nurse wraps the babies in blankets and lets them take them. ‘Congratulations,’ she says. ‘They are perfectly healthy, and you can take them home in a day or two.’

That same night, they introduced them to the rest of the family, who can’t get over them, and Frank is still crying.

‘You are doing great, my love,’ Gerard assures him. ‘You were born to do this.’

Still, the next day they go through a crash course, and a nurse teaches them how to feed them, what formulas are better for babies who can’t get breastfed, and how to change a diaper. They check a list of the things they need before taking them home. Frank seems to be doing surprisingly fine, born to be a dad, like Gerard said, but he’s the one freaking out. ‘What if I can do this?’ he says, having a panic attack.

‘You’ve been doing fine these past couple of days.’

‘Yeah, but at home, by myself. When you’re at school or working. I don’t know if I can.’

‘Babe – I know it’s scary, but you can do it.’

Gerard nods, and follows Frank’s breathing pattern until he calms down.

‘Besides, Emi only falls asleep when she’s in your arms, so I’m gonna need you.’ That makes the older man laugh. ‘I think she’s going to be a daddy’s girl.’

‘Well – technically – since we’re both –’

‘You’re right.’ Frank kisses him. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’ Then, Gerard sits down with Emi in his arms, looking at his husband on the other side of the tiny room, singing to Dylan. _You are my sunshine, my own sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray…_ And he thinks maybe they’ll be alright.

After a last checkup, they’re told they can go home.

Frank already picked their outfits and blankets. And he makes sure they’re safe in their seats before walking out.

Gerard is too anxious to drive, so Frank has no choice. He drives slow and careful, making sure their children are okay every two seconds. What would have been fifteen minutes from the hospital to their house turns out to be thirty minutes of fuzzy babies crying. He doesn’t even turn the stereo, but it gets too quiet.

‘This is your home, kids,’ Frank says to the babies as if they could understand, and follows Gerard inside. The house is quiet since the pets are still at Mikey’s.

Frank immediately checks their diapers, already a pro, Gerard thinks. And as soon as the babies are in their arms, they fall asleep, already knowing they’re safe and okay with their parents. They don’t say anything, just share a look and smile. Gerard has everything he ever dreamed of, and he’s the happiest he’s ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, what do you think? you liked it?


End file.
